#46 Five Post-Divorce and Break-up Patterns in Women, with Molly Connolly

Love Is Us: Exploring Relationships and How We Connect

Molly Connolly is devoted to helping women reinvent their love lives whether that’s after divorce, dating on and off the apps, or in their committed relationship.

She's a former college athlete who filed for divorce 3 years into marriage, swam in the online dating pool into her late 30’s, and now she's married to the man of her spreadsheet dreams who she met 4 months before the world shut down.

When Molly works with women, she helps her clients shift the focus from being obsessed with finding Mr. Right to shifting to herself as the Miss Right Now.

Together they build a foundation filled with clarity, connection, and confidence knowing She is worth waiting for. Molly empowers her clients through assisting in the creation of her vision and embodying her future self through the actions she takes in her love life.

Learn more about Molly:

Website: https://reinventingthearena.com/meet-molly

IG: https://www.instagram.com/reinventingthearena/

Podcast: Reinventing the Arena

Karin’s website: www.drcalde.com

Karin’s IG: https://www.instagram.com/theloveandconnectioncoach/

TRANSCRIPT

TRANSCRIPT

Intro:

Karin: This is Love Is Us, Exploring Relationships and How We Connect. I'm your host, Karin Calde. I'll talk with people about how we can strengthen our relationships, explore who we are in those relationships, and experience a greater sense of love and connection with those around us, including ourselves. I have a PhD in clinical Psychology, practiced as a psychologist resident, and after diving into my own healing work, I went back to school and became a coach, helping individuals and couples with their relationships and personal growth. If you want to experience more love in your life and contribute to healing the disconnect so prevalent in our world today, you're in the right place. Welcome to Love Is Us.

EPISODE:

Karin: Hello, everybody. Today I'm talking with Molly Connolly, a relationship coach who works with women, and lately she's been seeing more divorced women, and she noticed that many of them tend to fall into one of five patterns which can keep them stuck. So today we're going to be talking about those patterns and why they can be problematic, and what else can get in someone's way when they're coming out of a relationship. We also talk about what you can do to move forward with your life. So this is a great episode to share with friends who might be experiencing a breakup, and it's also useful for those of us who want to be a supportive friend to someone who's going through this. So I hope you like this episode, and I hope you'll share it. Thanks for being here. Here we go.

[01:41] Karin: Welcome, Molly.

[01:43] Molly: Hi, Karen. How are you?

[01:44] Karin: I'm doing really well. Really nice to be in this space with you and to have another conversation, because, of course, I got to be on your podcast that came out, what, end of September, I believe, right?

[01:56] Molly: Yes. And it really sparked some conversations with a few friends of mine, so I really appreciate it. And clients.

[02:03] Karin: Oh, great. Oh, I'm so glad. Wonderful. And, of course, I'll just say up front that your podcast is called Reinventing.

[02:10] Molly: The arena, where we discuss a variety of topics relating to relationships, dating, divorce, as well as sabotaging behaviors like perfectionism and people pleasing.

[02:23] Karin: Excellent. Where are you in the world right now?

[02:26] Molly: I am located in St. Louis, Missouri. My husband and I originally are from Omaha, Nebraska, and we arrived here because I coached him into finding not a new career, but looking into different companies where he could accelerate as well as enjoy what he does. He's a forensic and mechanical engineer, so that led us to St. Louis.

[02:52] Karin: Okay. And there's this curious part of me that really wants ask more about that, but I don't want to get sidetracked. This is not about that. Okay. So that's what brought you to St. Louis. What keeps you in the Midwest?

[03:06] Molly: You know, that's a really good question. I really don't know. I have had interest in moving west, actually. My husband and I have talked about it, but he loves the company that he's currently working for. So I am using the idea of where all the other 17 locations are, or other 16 excuse me? Locations are located throughout the country, and one of them is located in Colorado, which we both really enjoy that location, but he also enjoys Portland area I haven't had the chance to visit, so we might look into that. Who knows? We know that we love nature, we love outdoors, beach, forests. So, ironically, yes, Portland area would probably be better suited for the things we both enjoy. So we'll see. We'll see what happens.

[03:58] Karin: Well, you'll have to let me know. I'd love to show you around.

[04:00] Molly: Oh, that'd be great. Well, good.

[04:05] Karin: Well, tell us what you do for work.

[04:07] Molly: Yes. So I'm a dating and relationship coach, and I usually help ambitious women work through their sabotaging behaviors, such as perfectionism and people pleasing, that kind of hold them back in different areas of their love life. I am now diving further into helping divorced women work through very similar sort of areas, as well as healing the areas that have come to the surface after a divorce. Specifically the identity shift of being a married woman to now a divorced woman, and then all the different type of labels that kind of have come along the way and shedding those to become who she really wants to be her authentic self and finding love from that new area of her life.

[04:54] Karin: That is really quite a shift, isn't it? When you've been married, especially if you've been married for very long, and then suddenly you're a divorced woman and there's so much baggage that comes with that label, doesn't it?

[05:10] Molly: Yeah. And I feel like depending, like you said, the length that you were married really affects that. Because if you were married maybe early twenty s or maybe you got married in your early thirty s and you don't stay in your marriage for 510 years, it might be an easier shift. But when it's ten years with children and 20 years with family, there's this whole sort of community and identity that you have built around other people as the mother in law, the daughter in law, the wife, and all these things, these labels and identities that we take on, that all of a sudden you're not those people anymore. Technically. And you might even lose a sense of community that you had at some point.

[05:59] Karin: Yeah, I can imagine. Just talking about how we tend to overidentify with the roles that we find ourselves in, and when that role goes away, then who are we? Right?

[06:14] Molly: Oh, exactly. I had recently a client who felt how do I want to say it? She felt almost at a loss. She felt almost like she had empty nest syndrome. Not because her kids had left, but because this whole side of her family had moved on or had left because the divorce wasn't as cordial as she had thought it was going to be, if that makes sense.

[06:43] Karin: Yeah, that can leave a real void.

[06:46] Molly: Yeah, I feel like a lot of my clients and just even to note for myself that void is something that a lot of us somewhat try to fill with what we think will serve the better purpose. Whether that's finding more time to go out with friends or working longer in our career, or sometimes turning into other areas of our life that might have been not so healthy. That maybe we're overindulging in alcohol or overworking out sometimes like excessive working out to the point of feeling that it's an addiction. So all those different areas of filling that void are very unique to each woman and trying to develop that sense of identity once again and at the same time trying to fill a void where a community once was. If that makes sense.

[07:46] Karin: Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it feels kind of like an existential crisis. Who am I now that I'm not a daughter in law, cousin, sister in law, whatever it is. And I experienced that myself, so I can certainly identify with that. So how did you come to do this work?

[08:03] Molly: Well, surprisingly enough, I think the work really found me. Just a quick brief summary. I was in digital marketing for ten plus years and never felt fully connected to my job. And as a former college athlete, I was more looking for that community and that desire to help others. And life coaching fell into my lap. And when I was going through it, I was very focused on that identity shift, that transition, ironically, as an athlete leaving their college sport. And how that identity shift from being an athlete majority of your life to then all of a sudden just going into a career and losing out on that teamwork that's being around people that are very high achievers, goal driven. Because not everyone's like that in a corporate setting. So I was working with a lot of men and women focusing on that shift. But what I was realizing, a lot of them needed therapy that I couldn't help them with. That sense of identity lost in their twenty s was very difficult. And I feel that it was a good shift for me to move into focusing with women working on their career. That's what I thought was the next step for me. But while I was working with women in the programs, we would start with a career, but we would end up the last half of their program really working on their relationships. And at first it would be like coworkers, and then we would get into family members, and then we would get into the romantic relationships. And the more I dove into that area, the more I felt I was able to contribute not only to what they wanted to work on with other people or how to set boundaries but also really starting to choose themselves in their life. And it could at first might have been like work life balance, but then all of a sudden saying like well I just want life balance. How does that look like in my career? But oh wait a minute. How does it really look like in my relationships? How does that look when I'm trying to date? Or how does that look now as a divorced woman and getting that identity shift, fully internal looking versus self identifying through the labels like we were talking about externally.

[10:27] Karin: And I'm curious, did you notice that when you helped them with their relationships that it also ended up helping them at work?

[10:39] Molly: For some of them it really did because they were able to put boundaries in around projects at work or saying something along the lines of I really do appreciate you bringing this to my attention. We'll have to dress it tomorrow morning instead of five till end of day. It really was more boundary setting for those people as well as starting to see that they could apply their skill sets and ask for that promotion that they might have been scared of doing before. It also helped with one woman. It was more to be able to work together as a team versus seeing someone in a way that she realized was maybe something more from her past and created from an assumption interpretations that we needed to work through.

[11:24] Karin: Yeah, I find that a lot of this work ends up impacting other areas of people's life. When you focus on one thing oftentimes that people, their energy gets lifted, they start seeing things differently, they learn some new skills perhaps and then that tends to often impact other areas.

[11:43] Molly: Oh yeah, for sure. I feel like it also could impact when I was working with their careers too, it was starting to be more recognizable even how they just would start to communicate differently in their relationships, whether that was with their friends or their families at first too, it was very interesting.

[12:00] Karin: Oh, we have so much to talk about. But what really got my attention was something you had posted online recently and that was these five scenarios that you have noticed in post divorce women. And so I'm curious if you can just go down the list and describe these five different scenarios.

[12:22] Molly: Yeah, sure. So one of the first scenarios that I see, especially with my younger clients who might have gotten married in their twenty s and now they're like in their thirty s and just had decided to get divorced, they are trying to do all the things. They are spending all their time going out on dates, they're on all the apps, trying to swipe through as many partners as possible or people as possible to find a date. And they start reaching out to friends and family members to see if they will set them up because they want that new partner. Now, that is definitely the first one that I have seen with my younger clients, especially. The next is jumping into a relationship anytime during or immediately after the divorce, which is a sabotaging behavior called uprooting. This was one that I did very well when I got divorced. I didn't wait very long until I got in my next relationship and then I ended that one and then hopped into another one within a few weeks. So this one is definitely one that because I've done it, I can see it in others, but because it's easy to see, sometimes women might not really realize that they're doing harm for themselves. And then there's always this bitter stage. And I think a lot of us go through this is kind of like swearing off love altogether, either because we think we're not a good fit for it or that we don't need love. But I find a lot of women being like, there's no quality men on the apps, there's no good men left in the world, or men that are not just good enough to be with you. The fourth one is coming more from those friends and family members who are pressuring you to hurry up and settle down and get married again. I do see this a lot with my Midwest clients, no matter the age of the woman or the stage of healing that they're in. And then there's always these waves of emotion, like disbelief.

[14:34] Karin: So this is number five?

[14:36] Molly: Sorry? Yes, this is number five. The number five is the waves of emotion that come through, like the waves of disbelief that it happened in the first place. Anger, whether it's towards yourself or your ex partner, and then sadness just because this is a part of your life that has ended that maybe more than likely you just were never expecting. So it's keeping you from healing and processing in the first place.

[15:01] Karin: And I'm betting that there's some overlap, that they're not always just mutually exclusive, that people can kind of go from one to the other or even experience some of these at the same time. Oh, yeah, and I recognize myself, definitely. And number two, just like you said.

[15:18] Molly: For yourself and uprooting I went to.

[15:20] Karin: My next relationship pretty quickly. And it seems like, number one, where they're doing all the things going on all the apps, trying to find a date, whatever, and number two, going into the next relationship, they seem to have something in common. So I don't know if that's something that you notice or want to talk about.

[15:37] Molly: Yeah, the one thing that I really do notice, it's just escaping that's the biggest part that I discuss with my clients is like, what are you running from? Because when you're jumping from relationship to relationship, you're not really working on why that might have ended in the first place, what caused it to end. And then when you are externally looking and pushing for yourself to find that person. You're also running from something and what is it? Because it's not always the same thing for every single woman, obviously. So it's really getting at the core wound of, like, what is it for you? What is keeping you going and keeping you feeling like you have to find this person? What did you say you found?

[16:26] Karin: Yeah, well, it also makes me think about anxious attachment and how yes, that's great. So many of us, men and women, have that anxious attachment style where it's really scary to be alone and you want to be with someone. And that feeling of not being in that relationship is really uncomfortable and might not be used to it. And so they don't want to explore that difficult, that scary feeling that's underneath that and understandably, because we're also, as a human species, meant to be in relationship with people. So there's something that definitely makes sense about that. And at the same time, when we do that unintentionally, we skip over some important work.

[17:21] Molly: Oh, yeah, I definitely agree.

[17:23] Karin: And I remember after my divorce and I ended up getting together with someone who had been a friend, and we got married not that long after that. And I remember him saying, you really should be spending some time alone, but.

[17:38] Molly: I don't want you to spend any time alone. Right.

[17:42] Karin: So we both kind of recognized what was happening, which I think at some level helped so that we could make sure that we were still doing our work. And he had had that alone time for a while, and so he had had some time to kind of get to know what he really wanted. But it was a good reminder for me, especially I need to keep doing my work and explore. Yeah.

[18:10] Molly: I definitely didn't do the smart thing either. Like, I just jumped into the ex that I dated before my first husband, like, thinking, oh, well, he was just a missed opportunity. He's grown up now. Now we're this. I got divorced at 28, I got married at 25 and hopped into a relationship. And next thing I know, that little relationship fizzled out within a few months. Then I dated someone new for like, two and a half years, ended it with him, and in a month, I was dating the guy that lived next to me in an apartment. So I was just like, oh, this is convenient. And I didn't see it as convenient. I was like, oh, but I think I love him. What was I thinking? And next thing you know, I'm 35, 36, and realizing, oh, my gosh, I should not be in these relationships. Something is really wrong. And what's wrong is me. Meaning I need to work on me and figure out, what do I really want? How can I get that and get that clarity for myself? And that was the first time that I decided, oh, it's probably a good time not only to work on myself, take a pause here, but eventually learn how to date. Because I had no idea how to do it. Because I noticed I had done uprooting most of even my teen and college years because that's just what we were kind of taught and what I found very interesting, and maybe this is something you've noticed too, but specifically, majority of my clients come from the Midwest. Not just because I live here, but it just seems that they gravitate towards this. But that pressure number four to settle down really forces number two to uproot and go phone relationship to the next. And the number one of spend all the time on the apps to try to find the person. It just gets ingrained in us, like hurry up and get married and have babies, was like the whole message. And for me, that wasn't necessarily something from my family, but it was more from society. But I see it from my clients, where it's the mom being like, where's my grandbabies? You're 25. I need them now, or when are you going to settle down and put your career to the side? You're 34. Your career is your career. You didn't go to college. Maybe you did. Maybe you went to college to get a Mrs degree. I didn't. So that's something that my clients are having to struggle with, too. And I know I didn't pick that up until my mid thirty s.

[20:47] Karin: Yeah. That pressure to conform to what society says you must do as a woman or how to find your worth as a woman, it's real. It is intense. And even if we say we don't believe that, I think that it's really insidious that pressure and it's hard to escape that.

[21:11] Molly: Yeah.

[21:12] Karin: And there is so much pressure from even lots of well meaning people who, when are you going to settle down? Where you're going to find love? And we think that that's the be all and end all. And it can be for some people, but it doesn't have to be.

[21:29] Molly: Yeah, it doesn't.

[21:30] Karin: And you are worthy when you are not with a partner, too. You're worthy either way, right?

[21:36] Molly: You're whole as a person, just as you are.

[21:39] Karin: And then I wanted to talk about also number three, where women swear off love or there's I hear this a lot, too, and I see it a lot on social media. That's the battle of the sexes. Then I see women. There are no good men in Portland thinking, I've met some pretty great single men out there. There are great men. But I think a lot of it is figuring out your own patterns, what you want, and not trying to fill that void that you might have picked up as a kid and then using your partner to try to fill that need. So I think there's a lot of that.

[22:22] Molly: Yeah, I hear that a lot from any woman who lives wherever, that there is no quality men left where they live, period. But it is because they haven't really done the work and they're seeing this idea of a partner built upon what their family told them, those values, what maybe they learned in school, what successful marriage maybe looks like, maybe idolizing their parents. Or even my favorite new thing is looking at how media can actually what we watch on TV, whether that's a romantic movie or a novel you read, those really can create this sense of fantasy of what a relationship. Or marriage is supposed to look like, as well as starting to look at our friends and family members and compare their successful relationships to what we do or do not have and trying to mix it all together to seem happy and feel loved. In a sense, when we're looking for that connection and belonging like you mentioned before.

[23:25] Karin: Yeah. That ideal that has been portrayed since we were young, that isn't real. We don't get the full picture of what most relationships really look like in the work that it takes.

[23:40] Molly: Right.

[23:41] Karin: But I also think about how it's also really easy to say, it's them, it's not me.

[23:48] Molly: Oh, totally. Very easy. I remember, too, like my mom would always say, when you point the finger at you, 4.4 point back at you. Or sorry, let me say that again. When you point the finger at someone else, four point back at you, including your thumb. So it's just like you have to take accountability for your actions. You have to do the self acceptance work to say, oh, I was part of this relationship too. Where did I contribute to the hypothetical failure of it? When it's just like, where can I learn from my lessons here? Where am I showing up in each of my relationships where the problems might have been across all these other relationships? So my uprooting, what caused all of that? Okay. It's the fear of being wanting to be needed, the anxious attachment style, like you said. And until I address those wounds, I'm not going to really know what the next relationship is going to entail. Oh, it's just going to make me go from one attachment to the next of being anxious in all of them. Yeah.

[24:49] Karin: And that fear is such a big part of the work, is understanding what really is driving that behavior. That's hard work.

[24:58] Molly: It's worthy work, though. I tell my clients I went to therapy, but I went to therapy thinking that it would fix some other problems it didn't really address. I didn't really notice, actually, that I had anxious or attachment style or other issues going on. I had to find that out for myself. But when I did the work, really focusing on my relationships and focusing on me, it still took three years for me to figure out and find and commit myself to someone else. And three years when you think about your lifetime, doesn't sound like a lot. But when we're used to a swipe right, swipe left world, we do have those issues come up where it's like hurry up and find him now because he might be the only shot I have. We get really impatient. This world is all about hurry up, succeed, hustle, grind. Doesn't matter if it's in your romantic relationships or if it's in your career. It's all so fast paced that we don't take the time to say oh, what do I really need? Okay? I need to focus on myself and figure out what I want. Three years is nothing if I want a love of a lifetime.

[26:13] Karin: So true. I'm thinking again about number four, that pressure to settle down. And while I can see how a lot of that comes from society and our expectations on women and all of that, I also recognize that as women. But this can happen with men too. We can get conditioned from early on to look to others to find what we're supposed to do or find our self worth. And so I also think about that external focus versus the internal focus and women needing to learn to really listen and trust themselves, tune into their intuition and their inner voice and figure that out and how that can be a lot of work as well.

[27:09] Molly: Oh yes. I can only imagine. I haven't had the chance to work with divorced women specifically on this all the way through to where they have the confidence and the real foundation set, where they know 100% to trust their inner voice. But when I have been working on women with it, it's really trying to listen to that voice and pull out the pieces that aren't them to take out. Okay, was that the external limiting beliefs or the assumptions and the interpretations and also start to ask themselves what is it that I really want? I know that's such a generic and simple question, but to really pull in and make sure that as they create their own vision, that that vision, that they are able to start to trust themselves, that this is what they want that it's not someone else's vision and develop that worth by actually taking the time to try things and to trust themselves that they are making a step. And if something feels wrong, it's a lesson. It's not a failure. It's learning as you go. As we build that confidence, we build that self worth at the same time and the trust comes with it. It's almost like those three all go together in such a way that it's almost hard to simplify when I talk about them and you do in such a great way of just explaining it earlier. But it's wonderful to see women walk through that process hand in hand with trust and self worth and finding how it goes together for them where their inner voice lies.

[28:55] Karin: And it can feel so nebulous at first. That's why I often have someone do people do some things that are a little bit more concrete, like figure out what their core values are. Who am I? And that can be a really great way to help guide them and something to hold on to. This is who I am. It makes me think of all the people pleasers out there and how so many women are kind of trained in a way to be people pleasers by their parents for one reason or another. It's not anything malicious, but it's the way the dynamics often happen in families. But if we can be intentional about it, then we can see that that people pleasingly serve us. And it really doesn't serve our relationships either, because we're not being who we truly are.

[29:48] Molly: Oh, 100%.

[29:50] Karin: And who wants to be with a shell of a person, with a person who doesn't really know who they are? Can you really believe what they're even saying? Do they really want to do that? Or are they just doing that please me? Well, I don't want them to do that just to please me. I want to know what they really want. So yeah, that people pleasing really can be a barrier.

[30:12] Molly: Oh, yeah, I see that in my mom, actually with some of her friendships now too, where she's like, I don't really want to go, but I already promised about a month ago that I would go do this function. And I said, Why can't you just tell your friends, if they're your friends who really care and love you, you would think that they would understand if you no longer want to go, oh, I can't disappoint them. I can't do this. And most people don't even understand that. That's people pleasing still staying true to in a commitment that you no longer want to do, you are allowed to change your mind. And that is so hard when we think of it as small things like going to lunch and it's a big thing when it's like, well, I made this commitment to be married to you forever, but I changed my mind because things we have grown apart or things have changed, or I have realized this about myself. Those are two different ways of discussing or seeing people pleasing in our lives.

[31:07] Karin: And that speaks to the importance of learning how to speak up about your boundaries, right, like you mentioned earlier, and how yeah, boundary work is so, so important. And then, of course, number five is hanging on to those strong feelings and grieving the loss of that relationship or holding on to anger, resentment, all those things that we don't like to feel. And yet we can get really lost in those feelings as well.

[31:38] Molly: Oh, yeah. And one thing that I also notice with my clients is that processing all of those is just as unique as you. It's going to. Take some women three years, some women think three months. But it's going to take a lot of time based on so many factors to process and to heal from that, as well as maybe what was underlying that needed to be healed too.

[32:06] Karin: I want to echo that. I think that sometimes when the feeling is so strong and it doesn't seem to let up, even when we allow ourselves to fill those feelings, a lot of times it does have its roots in our childhood and there might be some healing that needs to be done. In those cases, it's important to let yourself feel all of those feelings. You push them down, they don't go away and you end up actually lengthening that grief process because you never actually end up processing those emotions.

[32:46] Molly: Well, I will just say that was probably part of the reason why it took me so long. So, long story short, in my childhood, I didn't cry very often and I didn't know why. I just kind of rushed on to the next thing to distract me, which was very similar to the uprooting. So I wasn't processing my emotions as a kid allowed me to uproot really easily. So jumping from one relationship to the next might mean that you aren't processing those emotions, that you're just carrying them and shoving them down in areas where they feel comfortable because you've done it before, just like you said in your childhood. So I completely agree. And I have a friend who is very emotional. She's like, I cry five times a week. And I'm like, how do you do that? And so she's like, you need to schedule a time to cry. And I'm like, oh man, that sounds so difficult. So I'm actually setting up time to cry tomorrow of anything that I might be holding in that I might not even know about. Yeah, I know that was kind of off topic, but it's so funny how we might not even notice that we're holding on to emotions.

[33:57] Karin: And I love that because it's so true sometimes we might need to almost train ourselves to do that. And crying can be a very helpful way to self regulate that can help our nervous system. So it actually can be a really healthy, healthy, beneficial oh, yeah, I am.

[34:20] Molly: Learning still the release that comes from crying.

[34:24] Karin: Yeah, absolutely. So what's the cost of being in one of these patterns?

[34:30] Molly: Well, we've kind of talking about it a little bit, but the longer that you are staying in these patterns, the longer you're keeping yourself like you're hiding yourself, or some people call it masking yourself, which pushes you away from the love that you deeply desire, that you are worthy of. And it can show up in ways like kind of what you already talked about people pleasing, perfectionism, impostor syndrome. So when we keep staying in these patterns and not doing the real inner work and working on that inner voice that we discussed, it's just going to keep you farther away from finding the love that makes you feel not only the love that you want for yourself, but the love that you want for the partner.

[35:17] Karin: It makes me think about disconnection from self.

[35:21] Molly: Oh, completely. Yes.

[35:23] Karin: That when you don't again, coming back to that what we said in the beginning is when you don't know what you want from yourself or you don't know who you are, it really holds you back from life, satisfaction, happiness, connecting deeply with others and so much more.

[35:43] Molly: Yeah. And when you can't have that connection that you're thinking that you are, the connection that you're looking for so much externally and you can't find it internally, there's no such person, event, moment in your life that's ever going to bring that satisfaction, fulfillment or happiness completely to yourself. Because it's harder to have that when you can't find it in yourself. So like even the most ideal, perfect, dreamt up man, marriage, wedding, relationship, job is going to not even satisfy you in the ways that it can. If you have already learned to love yourself first. When you can do that, everything else is just like I say, cherry on top if it's a Sunday. It's like the most amazing accessories to your outfit. It's going to amplify not only the love that you have for yourself, but you can actually then pour it into other things and other people making you feel more fulfilled, satisfied and connected.

[36:44] Karin: Yeah. And those external things like the partner who treats you really well or going on this great vacation or having a really fun night out, they can be these temporary selves, but last.

[37:01] Molly: Yeah. It's like the Cinderella story when she has the most amazing shoe and she's got the dress and then it strokes midnight, boom, she's right back to normal. That's what we all grew up with like, oh, I just want to be Cinderella and have this amazing fantasy relationship. But in the know, yes, she does get it, but she had to have the most amazing experience. It was done at midnight. And if we keep on having Cinderella nights over and over and over again, we're never going to be able to have that dream of actually living what we think is going to what we know and what we have gotten clarity on is what we want and what we want in a relationship and find success for ourselves in those areas.

[37:38] Karin: I love that. Yeah, well said. So can people break out of these patterns or do you find there are some people who they just get stuck and they can't do it?

[37:55] Molly: I think anyone can get out of them. I think everyone is going to have a different journey on it. I will say that my choices probably after my divorce made it more difficult for me to get to this spot. And I would say that sometimes that includes things as simple as who you spend your time around if you don't have supportive friends or if you don't have supportive family members in a way that helps you take time for yourself or helps you heal from a place where they give you space to heal versus, like hurry up and get married. Number four, like we were talking about, it can really keep you stuck in these patterns that might require some extra effort on you with patience, determination, and assistance from others. Especially like thinking of working with a therapist or working with a coach. Because sometimes friends and family members aren't going to be the ones that can help you really get there. So I always say that you can break free from this, you can move through it. It's just up to you the choices that you want to make if you want to try to do it alone, which I don't recommend because I did that for almost a decade from my divorce till when I met my husband, my now husband. So it's either that or finding an outsider that can help you along and keep you accountable and support you in different ways through this transition, like a therapist or a coach or both for that matter.

[39:27] Karin: Yeah, and I certainly don't want to minimize the importance of friends. Friends are like gold. But it is important to find the friends who are really good listeners. A lot of our friends, unfortunately, they have an agenda and they don't even know it because they're projecting their needs onto your situation. And that was something I really experienced a lot when I was going through my divorce. I had all these people, you should do this, you should do that. And it's like, no, actually that's what you wanted for you when you were going through this. That's not what I need. And so finding those friends who can just really be with you emotionally and listen, those are the ones that are going to be the most helpful and point out when you're doing things that are unhealthy for you.

[40:25] Molly: Oh, I agree. I was the first friend in my friend group to get married and divorced. And so my friend group was in this really interesting transition stage of their late twenty s and early 30s where some got married and they had kids and it was really hard to associate, where it's like oh, well. We would have you over, but you don't have a significant other or you need to bring a date or this and that. And it would be very awkward. But then I had my friends who were still dating and they're like, you just need to go out to the bars and meet someone. It was completely two separate aisles that I was walking between. It's like, I don't know how to do this. This is a really awkward dance. I didn't have a lot of friends that were single and very confident in who they are and knew who they were to be like, yeah, just chill. Let's just enjoy the single time, enjoy building your career or enjoy doing something else. Find yourself. Like, I didn't have any of those friends, so I would piggyback off of what you're saying. And if you are going through this right now, is finding a woman that is similar in your life stage of your shoes, of what you're walking through just so that you have someone who 100% is in a very similar stage that might not be projecting as much, where you could talk through what you're going through?

[41:42] Karin: Maybe it can be really lonely.

[41:46] Molly: Yeah. Yes, I would definitely agree with that.

[41:50] Karin: Yeah.

[41:51] Molly: I only laugh because I'm just looking back and thinking of my younger self, of how much she would just be swiping on her phone looking for apps and just be like, oh my gosh, it's Friday at 07:00 and I have no plans. This is extremely embarrassing, or this is exhausting. I'll just go out by myself or I'll just go to bed early or I'll just call my mom, like whatever my mid or early 30s person would do myself. Sorry.

[42:20] Karin: Yeah. What's one thing that a newly divorced woman can do that's going to be more helpful and more adaptive for her going forward?

[42:34] Molly: Honestly, depending on what she's going through, I would say making space for herself is the most important. But as she's making space for herself, is getting the clarity about not only of what she's looking for long term in a partner or long term in her relationship, but what she wants her life to look like. Because that vision is very important to help you determine your next immediate steps once you've really kind of taken the time for yourself, which varies once again on your situation. And if I go keep going, I'm just going to keep adding things. So I'm just going to pause right there. I hear you.

[43:19] Karin: Oh my gosh, I do that too. I hear you saying that having a personal vision can be a guiding light.

[43:29] Molly: And the vision, like some of the anchor points, like you mentioned, knowing your core values with working on your vision is really important. It is going to be that compass to get you even closer to where you really feel internally of where you want to be.

[43:46] Karin: If there's one thing you want our listeners to walk away with after listening today, what would that be?

[43:51] Molly: Oh, that's hard. One thing. Well, just to know that this whole process is so unique to you and your worth is not attached to anyone else. It's always what's internally for you and.

[44:07] Karin: What role does love play in the work that you do?

[44:13] Molly: When I looked at this question, this was really tough because I don't see it right away. But when I think about it, it reminds me of all the different stages that I had been in after my divorce and going and saying, I want to serve her, serve that woman who's going through this pain point. I want to serve this woman who's going through this pain point where jumping from one relationship to the next. So it's doing it out of love for the women that are doing it in the ways that I did. And I'm like, hey, there's a shortcut, technically, of working on yourself first so you can heal and find the person you want to be with versus all these things that I did that took me over almost a decade to find my one and only now person. So that whole process is why I do the work that I do and why I have love in the work that I do.

[45:14] Karin: I think that's what we ultimately want, isn't it? We want to have love in our lives. Yeah. So how can people learn more about you and learn about working with.

[45:31] Molly: Have? Like you mentioned earlier, I have a podcast called Reinventing the arena that's on Apple podcasts spotify. I think it's also did I just put it up? Yes. On Amazon Music and Google Podcasts as well. You can go to my website, reinventingthe Arena.com, and I am also on Instagram. In 2024, I'm going to have different programs coming out specifically for divorced women. They're in the works right now, but you can find out more about those if you can go to my website. Or you can also get on my email list. There's two different ways that you can do that by signing up for something called Lady Love Lessons. Those are little one or two sentences sent out Monday through Friday to either give you a little pep in your step, make you feel a little bit more confident, maybe about a date you just went on that might have gone horribly wrong, things like that. Or you can take What's Sabotaging My Love Life quiz, where it's a 16 question quiz, walking you through different dating and relationship scenarios to see is perfectionism. What's sabotaging your love Life right now.

[46:42] Karin: Great. Well, Molly, thank you so much for talking with me today. I think this was a great conversation, and I hope people listen in because there's a lot of gold there.

[46:53] Molly: Oh, yeah. I loved this. This was a really great conversation. I love talking with you, Karen. I just love how we both enjoy bringing people to love themselves as well as finding love for their future life and their future partner. So thank you so much for having me on the show.

Outro:

[01:02:47] Karin: Thanks for joining us today on Love Is Us. If you liked the show, I would so appreciate it if you left me a review. If you have questions and would like to follow me on social media, you can find me on Instagram, where I'm “the Love and Connection coach.” Special thanks to Tim Gorman for my music, Aly Shaw for my artwork, and Ross Burdick for tech and editing assistance. Again, I'm so glad you joined us today because the best way to bring more love into your life and into the world is to be loved. The best way to be loved is to love yourself and those around you. Let's learn and be inspired together.