#39: Men Seeking Love, with Irena Polyakova

Love Is Us: Exploring Relationships and How We Connect

Irena Polyakova is a Dating and Relationship Coach with a deep-rooted desire to help people raise self-love and self-acceptance as well as find love. She draws upon her own experiences and a wealth of knowledge acquired through rigorous academic and life education. Her dedication lies in equipping people with the necessary tools and skills to connect to themselves and others in the healthiest way possible, in order to establish and cultivate fulfilling long-term relationships and live life to the fullest, free of self-sabotage, taking control over creating a positive change.

Learn more about Irena:

Website: www.lovedandfulfilled.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lovemasterycoaching

Learn more about Karin:

Website: https://drcalde.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theloveandconnectioncoach/

TRANSCRIPT

Podcast Intro:

[00:00] Karin: This is Love Is Us, Exploring Relationships and How We Connect. I'm your host, Karin Calde. I'll talk with people about how we can strengthen our relationships, explore who we are in those relationships, and experience a greater sense of love and connection with those around us, including ourselves. I have a PhD in clinical Psychology, practiced as a psychologist resident, and after diving into my own healing work, I went back to school and became a coach, helping individuals and couples with their relationships and personal growth. If you want to experience more love in your life and contribute to healing the disconnect so prevalent in our world today, you're in the right place. Welcome to Love is Us.

Episode Intro:

[00:50] Karin: Hello, everyone. In today's episode, I talk with Irena Polyakova, who is a dating coach for men. But if you're a woman who is attracted to men, there's a lot in this episode for you, too. And if you missed episode #9 -- it's my most popular episode -- I talk with Lisa Shield, who is a woman's dating coach. Now on today's episode, we talk about dating myths, what women want from men, differences between gen X and gen Z daters, the importance of body language, and more. So I hope you enjoy it, and I hope you'll let me know what you think of the episode. So if you're on Instagram, you can message or follow me there where I'm the love and connection coach. And then, of course, Irena's contact information and information about her coaching is in the show notes, so I hope you'll

go check that out as well. Thanks for being here. And here we go!

Episode:

[01:44] Karin: Welcome, Irena.

[01:47] Irena: How are you? Hello, Karin. I'm doing great, thank you.

[01:51] Karin: Yeah, thanks for being here. So tell us where you are in the world.

[01:56] Irena: I am actually living in Virginia. I'm not too far from Washington, DC. In United States, but originally I come from Ukraine. I left my home country in 2001, lived here in the States 14 years, moved back to Europe, settled in Austria for almost eight years, and then I returned here just over a year ago okay. In Virginia.

[02:20] Karin: And what brought you back to the United States?

[02:24] Irena: Really enjoyed my life in Austria. Beautiful city, Vienna, good overall life in Europe. However, it is very difficult to secure permanent residency there. So those were the reasons mainly why I had returned to the States.

[02:42] Karin: Okay. Yeah. And I'm curious why you originally left Ukraine, which you can share or not. Totally.

[02:49] Irena: Absolutely I can share. The short version is in search for better life and love. The longer version was really looking to find opportunities. And I had because in eastern Europe, it used to be very common to get married very early, and I almost got married when I was 19, when I was in Ukraine. But I got very disappointed with that relationship, and in the act of rebellion, I've decided, you know what? I'm not going to date Ukrainian men. I'm just going to look for one in another country and I found one in the United States. So my original reason was to move because I was in love with somebody who was American and I moved to United States to get married when I was 23.

[03:42] Karin: So you moved for love?

[03:44] Irena: Yes, I moved for love.

[03:46] Karin: Great. So tell me what you do for work.

[03:50] Irena: Well, speaking of love, I am a certified relationship and life coach but my most favorite part of coaching I do is dating. It's on dating, essentially providing people with dating skills and guidance on navigating modern dating world to find love. And it's something that I'm super passionate.

[04:14] Karin: About and I think there are so many people who are seeking help with that. I run just this free meetup group a couple of times a month for women who want relationship support. And last night all the questions were about dating. So yeah, I think there's a huge need.

[04:34] Irena: There is a need for life and relationship skills in general. It's not exactly the set of skills that we come into adulthood with. We're not taught in school, relationship skills, we're not even taught basic communication skills, basic listening skills to say the list, anything about how to connect in love. It's not exactly our parents who teach us because our parents simply instill their own relationship model unknowingly onto us that we then tend to try to apply to our adult connections. And I think it's safe to say most of the time it doesn't really work. And it's good that you said that. Many people seek help or at least they express desire to know why it's not working, why it's something that's not working. And thankfully these days we have this abundance of information, access to coaches, therapists, support groups, meetups just like you're doing and it's a wonderful opportunity to really get the skills needed. It's truly crucial to know how to be in relationship. I don't think any of us are really prepared for what happens when you are in relationship. We have this notions like love is wonderful, but once the honeymoon fades away and then the problems arise, that's when the problems start and that's where relationship get difficult. And if we had the skills problem would be easier to navigate that.

[06:14] Karin: Yeah. And you particularly help men, isn't that right?

[06:21] Irena: Yes, I will not turn women away but for whatever reason I feel that men somehow need a little bit more voice and representation and encouragement in acquiring skills. Women are a lot more intuitive, naturally and while women still need these skills they are more inclined to self educate themselves and make changes. Women, at least in my experience, men on the other side there is a bit more ego involved. So they need a gentle encouragement to help them understand that it is totally okay. It's not just okay, it is actually admirable when somebody goes out and inquires skills for the dating life. I also host meetups and I have hosted many social events before and I can see that I can sway them into direction of seeking help, whether it's coaching or self education. So I'm kind of utilizing this opportunity to educate as many men as possible and then consequently women will be happier too.

[07:37] Karin: Yeah, it's a both and both needs, right? And so how did you come to do this work?

[07:44] Irena: This is something that started almost by accident. As I mentioned before, I moved to Europe from United States. That was in 2015. And when I settled in Austria, in Vienna, I did not speak the language, I did not speak German, I spoke English but not German. And I tried some expect events, just wanting to make friends, wanting to connect with people, create my own tribe in a new country. And honestly, after going to a few events I was just bored out of my mind with having to engage into the same small talk. What's your name, what do you do for work? Where do you come from? It's literally the same three questions. And after trying out a few of those events, I had decided to organize my own social events, but the opposite of the small talk and I ended up creating like a reoccurring meetups, providing people with safe and facilitated space to share, learn, meet and make connections. So while my original goal was to meet people for myself, to make friends, to create my own tribe, because I wasn't in your country without friends, it somehow ended up becoming something much bigger and much more significant. I created this space for people to make connections and be guided towards better versions of themselves. So this is something that started as a small hobby of mine and it grew into a huge passion. And seeing people, accepting my guidance, having them tell me that they have not thought about something, about their life or their relationship from the perspective that I had shared with them during that event. Having them thank me for sharing my own struggles and growth and in return, allowing them to realize they're not alone in their own struggles and that their challenges are not uncommon. So this somehow had grown into events where I decided to just focus on truly teaching people the relationship, communication, dating skills and just focusing on bettering their lives. And yeah, this is how I found my passion for coaching and eventually I had turned this passion into a business and coaching practice. And at this point, I'm just a very strong believer into a possibility of change. And I put a great amount of effort into my own transformation in the past. And I know that with the right support and the guidance trauma can be healed. New set of beliefs can be created, new mindset and outlook can be established and new crucially needed introspective and relationship skills can be absolutely learned and thriving in life. Wholesome experience instead of mere surviving and functioning autopilot can be totally possible. So this is my drive and this is how I've got to become a coach. Just change the world one meetup or one person at a time.

[11:15] Karin: So you mentioned along the way that you help people create a new mindset. And that stuck with me because it seems like that's got to be a big part of the work because people I think, often come into relationships expecting things to be one way or expecting, thinking that they have to have a partner that has these qualities or whatever it is. So how do you work with people, with mindset?

[11:44] Irena: This is probably one of the most interesting and one of the most challenging parts of coaching. Most of the time, actually not even very often, but most of the time, most people we tend to connect to attach our identity to our belief system, which mindset is essentially the reflection of what we believe and it's not easy to separate the mindset and the identity. So what I do is first of all, I help people understand that our identity can be an evolving thing. It doesn't have to be set in stone. And our beliefs is nothing really tangible. It's just set of something that we heard from either loved ones, for instance, our parents, something in society, from our friends and we heard it repeatedly. We internalized it and we made it our own. And if we only did a regular reevaluation of our beliefs, we would be a lot more flexible with our mindsets. Because the life, the world, the society, individually and collectively, all of us, we don't stay the same. There is nothing really in nature that stays the same. There is a process. Everything evolves to a certain extent. So working on mindset is first uncovering the beliefs, really identifying what are the beliefs there and then questioning those beliefs, really figuring out, okay, is this particular belief is helping me right now in my life or is it actually limiting me and not really serving me in my life? So I'm going to give you a personal example real quick. When I grew up, my mom, my own mother, she unfortunately had a childhood where her father was extremely abusive to her. What she internalized was that man is danger, you need to stay away from men, all men are bad, and so on. In that light, this is what she ended up instilling in me. And this is the mindset that I took from my childhood into my adulthood. And while I fell in love with a wonderful man when I was 23, when the problem started arising, I went right back to that belief that all men are bad, they are useless, I need to stay away from them. And this is what I had applied multiple times in my own connections throughout multiple relationships that mindset until I finally realized that, oh my god. I am the common denominator. I am the one who needs to make some kind of change. So this is just one of the examples. But to sum it up, identifying the beliefs that you carry, you had carried, and understanding that it is possible to change them, and then getting rid of the limiting beliefs that no longer serving you and instilling some new, fresh beliefs that will help you eventually come to the place and the time where you're going to find love.

[14:56] Karin: And what are some of the limiting beliefs that men tend to hold that you've seen?

[15:03] Irena: One of the most common ones is the fact that women are somehow superior than men and that all women want a specific type of man. As we say, the three sixes, the 6ft tall, six figure income, right, and six pack, which is totally untrue. But this belief prevents majority of men from actually attempting to approach a woman that they like. So they would much rather choose peace. And I do the air quotes because it's not really peace, it's just we're choosing not to get out of the comfort zone instead of actually approaching and hoping that there's going to be a connection instead of rejection. So one of the most limiting beliefs is somehow that they're not good enough to approach a certain woman when in reality it's not true.

[16:00] Karin: So a lot of men believe that you have to have a lot of money, you have to be tall, you have to have this high paying job or whatever it is, right? So what are some other myths out there that hold people back from dating successfully and finding their mate?

[16:20] Irena: So on this one, I'd like to actually talk about both genders, I think on both sides, from women and from men. There's plenty of myths, dating myths that need to be dispelled. The first one is the myth about finding love is the matter of luck. And it requires no active effort. So often when I speak to people, they say, when I ask them, hey, how's your love life? They're like, I haven't gotten lucky yet. And I'm like, what do you do to get lucky? And they go, I'm just waiting. I'm like, okay, so you're just waiting to walk out of your apartment or your house tomorrow, turn the corner, bump into the love of your life, she drops her stuff or he drops her stuff, you pick it up and all of a sudden there's happily ever after, right? Well, that happens only in the movies. It doesn't happen in real life. Fortunately or unfortunately, there's an active effort that needs to be put in in order to put yourself on the path of luck, to put yourself on the path of finding love. And this is what I teach when I coach people. So this myth that the love just happens on its own needs to be dispelled. Another common dating myth is that online dating is only for hookups and it doesn't work. This one I have to fight most of my clients on. Actually I've had some people who just not long ago I've had somebody saying straight out, I don't do dating apps, they don't work. I was like, whoa, that's a very strong opinion, right? We had to dispel that, we had to deconstruct and we actually ended up changing that belief. Dating Apps online dating does work if you employ the right approach. Just like with anything, if you know how to manage it, if you know how to utilize it, it can absolutely be very beneficial. I personally have friends who have met on various dating online dating platforms. They've already gotten married and they've had kids, so there are plenty of success stories to back me up on this one. But online dating, the apps, it's essentially just a technological tool that puts you in front of people that you otherwise would not have met in your social setting. It is impossible to meet that many people in your social setting. If you have a full time job and if you also have children or some other things you need to take care of, then it just gives you limited time. So online dating can actually be quite beneficial if you know how to use it.

[19:06] Karin: And that's a really great point, but I think it can be scary for people. And there are a lot of people who are frustrated, I think, with online dating apps because they don't really know how to use them or they've experienced a lot of rejection with them.

[19:24] Irena: Yes, you have touched on two different aspects here. Yes, people are frustrated, but frustration comes a lot from this stereotype. Precisely the dating myth that we're discussing. So if you go in to use the dating app, was already believing that it's probably not going to work, you're pretty much setting up yourself to fail with the dating apps. However, it's actually not that complicated. There is a certain structure to apply, there is a certain way to use it to filter through very quickly, to make your dating profile compelling, a certain way to respond, to get to the phone call. I teach people, don't get stuck in an endless text. And so many people make that mistake. They text and they think that they are talking to the person on the other side. Meanwhile, they're simply communicating with their projected desires and hopes. Unless you speak to the person and hear their voice, you don't know who that person behind those texts. So we just project what we want out of that person and it's a trap. Many people get stuck in there. So it can absolutely be manageable in a sustainable way. But again, you just need to know how to do it.

[20:43] Karin: So instead of getting trapped into texting back and forth, do you encourage people to set up a time to actually meet?

[20:52] Irena: No. The structure needs to go, you match. You do texting back and forth to at least get an idea what that person is about. If there are sentences well put together, if the person is articulate as you are, if the core values align once there is a certain click through text, shortly after that, there needs to be a suggestion from a man and a woman. There has to be a suggestion for a phone call. And I always tell my clients, once you see there's, okay, I want to get to know this person. You go listen, it seems like the conversation is going well on texting. I'd love to hear your voice. Let's chat on the phone and video call would be awesome, of course, but some people are scared to do that. However, the phone call is something that will let you know immediately whether there is, as I call it, ping pong. The conversation has to go smoothly. He has to ask questions, she has to ask questions. The conversation has to flow. Once you feel that mental connection, then you can set the date and you can meet up after that face to face. It is so awkward when people go from texting to the first date. They get there and they realize, oh God, this is not what I expected. It happens all the time. So this is simply to prevent your own struggles and your own sufferings throughout the date that's not going as you expected to have a phone call and only then set up the first date. I don't even call it the first date. I always suggest to call it a casual meetup. Keep it short, keep it casual and make sure you have an exit strategy just to make it as stress free as possible. And if you happen to connect to that person multiple levels, the possibilities are endless. You go from there.

[22:42] Karin: That's great. Great suggestions. So are there any other myths that you'd like to talk about?

[22:48] Irena: Yes, there's one that I definitely want to touch on. And this is something that comes from when I coach women that I hear almost every single time, all men are only after sex and they don't want anything serious. I've heard it so many times and this is so not true. And as a coach working with both men and women, when men come to me, it's like we want to find love, we want relationship, we want committed partnership. And there I have women who think men only want sex. So it's a complete myth, it's a complete disbelief and it's wanting sex. Men are naturally wired, biologically wired to want sex. It's not like we women don't want sex. We want sex too. We just process the world around us a little bit different. Okay? Being different does not make us bad guys, bad women or bad men. So yes, men want sex. Men want physical touch and it is not unusual that they will try to push for that even at the beginning of the beginning stage of the dating, but they absolutely want something serious. And to dismiss this fact that men do want to find love is an extremely generalized statement. Don't get me wrong. There are men who are looking only for sex and I only hope that they communicate it clearly and directly. Listen, I'm only looking for friends with benefits. I just want this type of connection. If it's mutual and it works for both, by all means go for it. But communicate it clearly and directly. But it is absolutely not true that men are only looking for sex.

[24:38] Karin: I hear a lot of this even between married couples. Happy wife, happy life or you need to make sure your woman feels worshipped. And a lot of men end up putting women on a pedestal. What do you think about that?

[24:56] Irena: I don't think it's healthy approach. I think the level of self awareness is also very important. So I would say if a woman is healthy emotionally and mentally and she is looking for a partner, for a team player to build awesome life together, to enhance each other lives, she doesn't want to be worshipped, she doesn't want to be put on pedestal. She wants to be accepted and challenged in a kind and empathetic way at the same time. But this is for people that have a certain level of self awareness and this is something important to note. I think people that have not yet truly ventured into the path of personal development and may have been stuck in the same level of personal development. It could be a little hard to really digest this piece of information. But in general, even if somebody worships somebody, I think it gets warned sooner or later. I do remember though, my mom, as you said this, it popped up in my mind. Even my own mother, she told me she's like a man, you don't need to love him, but he has to love you more. Much more. That's how you sustain the relationship. And I guess it is exactly the unhealthy way of looking of sustaining a love connection. But I don't think it's sustainable in the long run. Not at all.

[26:38] Karin: Yeah. No, I agree. I think that men have been taught this but then they don't end up taking care of their own needs and that's harmful to a relationship.

[26:51] Irena: And this is actually another dating myth that we can add on now since you mentioned that is the fact that men believe this is something that comes from men. Men believe that women are too picky and too high maintenance and it is impossible to meet their expectations. So it kind of stems from there, from this very strange unhealthy belief.

[27:16] Karin: Yeah. And why do you think they believe that? Why do you think they come to believe that women are just too hard to please?

[27:24] Irena: I think it's quite complex aspect but just like I came out of my childhood believing that all men are useless. As my mom taught me, men come out from their childhoods with certain relationship models and certain beliefs that they don't reevaluate, they don't examine, and they just keep trying to apply it. And like I said at the beginning, why I feel a little bit more connected to the coaching men than coaching women is. I think there is a really wider presentation and very strong support of women due to movements like feminism and MeToo movement and whatnot. And this is all wonderful because women were oppressed for a very long time. But I'm afraid that now it's kind of lopsided. It flip flopped on the other side. Now men are often afraid to make a move to approach a woman and just have a conversation. And I had some guys tell me it's like I don't know if she's going to file for sexual harassment if I ask her out. This is the fear that men have nowadays and that is not okay. So it comes from a lot of societal stereotypes that are there, unfortunately, to keep us failing instead of thriving in love life and the relationship models that we inevitably instill in our childhoods.

[29:00] Karin: Do you think it also has something to do with how women are socialized and encouraged to be more in touch with their emotions and men aren't? And so men kind of don't know what to do with the emotions that come up. Do you think that has something to do with men kind of thinking that women want too much or they don't know how to handle.

[29:24] Irena: It? Yes and no. The whole idea of personal development and the crucial need of developing certain emotional regulation skills nowadays is quite broad. I think any social media, there is plenty of information that you can find about needing to heal, about to get in touch with your higher self. There is a lot of talk about there are practical steps to do it. But just like I said earlier, even the statistics, women go to therapy much more often and much faster, right, to address their emotional challenges. Men on the other side either don't ever do it and when they even feel they would like help, they're ashamed. I'm sure you've heard the phrase boys don't cry. So this is something that comes probably from previous generations that had raised men into somebody who is not supposed to display any emotions. And because the societal stereotypes women are emotional and men are not emotional. And another thing that men are taught throughout the years to prioritize their career and their professional path instead of actually embracing all aspects of their lives. In wholesome experience, the love life, the emotions and the professional life all should be balanced. Instead there is just this one lopsided direction focus on the profession because that's where they get their testosterone up, that's where they feel great, except that when they do connect to women, they can't make themselves emotionally available because they don't know how. So yes, emotional, the lack of emotional availability unfortunately does contribute to having this fear or dating myth, as we said. And essentially it all comes down to everybody a man, a woman, regardless of making changes within themselves and then knowing that this is something that will help them create relationship in the future with somebody that will sustain the long term and not just be a little flame a beautiful honeymoon phase and then it will go away because we don't know how to relationship.

[31:51] Karin: Yeah, well said. I think that is a really common dynamic that happens. Yeah. Men get taught early on from either their caregivers or their friends or peers or whatever that they can't be vulnerable. And so they learn a certain way of being that is acceptable. Be assertive. They can be angry, they can be aggressive, but they can't be tender.

[32:14] Irena: So I think that's really important. It's quite saddening. I also host social meetups every two weeks, every other Sunday, and I just had one this last Sunday and I had about twelve people. We usually do a picnic and I have these very deep questions about love and life and it's the same thing that I do with coaching. I'm just trying to get people out of their boxes, out of their comfort zones. And there was one gentleman, we were discussing vulnerability topic and everybody was chipping in, sharing how comfortable they are, being vulnerable or not being vulnerable. And he shared something with us, a little bit of his life story. And he told me as the event was wrapping up later on, he told me privately, he's like, listen, thank you so much. I had actually never shared this with anybody and for the longest time I felt like this should be kept secret because it makes me look very weak. So I had to make sure that I reiterated again it's like no, listen, it's such a strength to be vulnerable. It's so much easier to swive it under the rug and pretend it's not happening versus actually making yourself vulnerable and showing your strength and making yourself emotional.

[33:31] Karin: And that actually builds connection.

[33:33] Irena: Absolutely. This is why there is so much disconnection and separation in the society. Because there's a fear of being vulnerable. Because the perception of it is that you're weak depending on what cultural background you come from. And I think it's probably in almost every culture this vulnerability equals weakness. Maybe to a different extent, but it is present in quite a few.

[33:59] Karin: Yeah, I agree 100%. So do you think there's a difference amongst generations and how they date? Do you think that older men are better at it or maybe not as good at it as younger men? What are some of the differences you might notice?

[34:19] Irena: This is a great question. Actually, all generations have challenges. I think the younger generation has much shorter attention. Span and there is a lot of focus on instant gratification. So what it does, it feeds the fake belief that the grass is always greener on the other side causing guys, young guys, to constantly scan for something better instead of committing to the connection at hand. And this is quite generalized, but it still holds true to a certain extent. When I coach women, those whose preferred age range among guys are under 30 or under 35 even many of them do complain that the guys seem to lose interest very quickly and they seem to be very easily distracted. And I think this is truly the result. Everything moves so fast in our society. We've got apps, we've got Instagram, we've got so much social media. The brains get so addicted to this instant dopamine surge and instant gratification that it's really hard to pause and realize wait a second, maybe the grass is not greener on the other side. Maybe the grass is greener where I actually water it, right? And when it comes to men over 40 or Gen X so this is my age group they possess from my experience, from my observation, working with people and being in a relationship, they do possess a bit more patience and they are able to stay focused better. However, there is a different set of challenges there after trying, typically by this age they've tried and things may not have worked out as they wanted. Obviously they're single. So after trying and not succeeding in dating world they're more inclined to give up and settle into minds. Into mindset. Oh, it's better to be single but without drama than dating and having to deal with drama. This is what I have observed while both of these age groups have their differences in approach in dating life, I think we can say that the roots of the challenges are essentially the same. The lack of understanding that love life should not be left up to luck or fate. Like I said at the beginning, love life should be made a priority if one wishes to have relationship and for that effort time skills are required. And I've met tons of many wonderful men and women who are truly wanting to be in relationship, craving to give love and they want to feel loved. And yet based on their past connections and disappointments, the perceived complexity, I would say of navigating the dating world, they get discouraged. They get discouraged to try again. And I find this very sad. Dating should not be draining and stressful. It should be a balanced, fun experience where social life is set up the way to serve your love life and hopefully eventually bring you to meeting a compatible partner.

[37:45] Karin: And it does take consistent effort over time, doesn't it?

[37:49] Irena: Absolutely.

[37:50] Karin: Which can be hard for people.

[37:52] Irena: Well, but you know what's interesting though? Most people, we can say all people, they want relationship and love but as soon as you tell them. It's like, listen, yes, you can get there, but you have to do some work because it doesn't happen. I don't have a magic pill. Listen, if I had a magic pill that I just give you and you're like poof and you're in love tomorrow and you live happily thereafter. Well, first of all, I would be a billionaire. Second of all, I would absolutely be happy to give that magic pill to people. But no, it does require effort. Just like if you have a job and you want to change this job, right, and you want to get it, what do you do? You prepare for it. You prepare for your interview. You dress a certain way. You rehearse in front of the mirror. You update your CV, your resume. You brush up on your skills. You make sure that you make yourself presentable. Make sure that you can present yourself capable and able, right? Why do we not approach love life with the same mindset? Why is it that we think that it's just going to happen somehow on its own, by itself when it doesn't?

[39:04] Karin: So what are some of the things that you tell men that they can do? What's some of the work that you have them do to prepare them for a relationship with a woman?

[39:17] Irena: So what I want men to do to know about dating women and this is something they often get wrong in many cases is first is the understanding is needed that women are biologically wired to seek sense of security with a man. Regardless of how strong our personalities are, at the end of the day, every woman wants to feel the sense of security. She wants to feel protected. Women get turned on by and they get attracted to a confident man. Don't confuse it with the self centered man. That's different. And men feel that you have to be born confident, and that's not true. Confidence is a learned skill. We're not typically born naturally confident. We acquire confidence through repeated experiences of trying at succeeding at something, even if we fail, but we succeed at some point. This is where confidence comes from. So confidence is a learned skill. Once you learn that skill and you can approach a woman with competence and confidence, then you have much higher chance to actually create the connection with somebody that you're attracted to, with somebody that you would like to have a potential of a future with. We work a lot on learning body language, how to read the room, when to approach women, when not to approach women. Unfortunately well, it's not unfortunately. It just is. It's a fact. Women are much better at reading body language than men. And it's actually been proven, there have been studies done that men for instance, if there is a woman and she sends out a signal for courtship, she is interested in a man and she would like him to approach men. Miss Four first signals of courtship. So a woman has to send out signal at least five times for a man to notice that she actually is interested in him. Right. I had a personal experience years ago. I saw this guy, and he was super cute, and I really want to talk to him. I've sent all the signals, and I've lost my patience. I just came up and I wrote my phone number on the napkin, and I gave it to him. And he goes, oh, thank you. He was genuinely surprised and happy. I was like, Listen, did you not see me? He's like, yeah, but I didn't think it was for me. I was like, oh, my goodness. There's nobody right standing right next to you. So that just shows you that women need to be patient when they do want to send a signal out. And men need to understand and learn the body language. Again, another learnable skill. Essentially, once you have all the skills, you are unstoppable, and you can absolutely improve your love life on this.

[42:15] Karin: Can you give us one or two examples of body language that men can learn to read?

[42:22] Irena: Absolutely. If a man is talking to a woman and she moves her hair back and she exposes a side of her neck and she leans forward, she is attracted, she is connected, and she's very much interested. If a woman is talking to you and she turns her hands the way that her wrists, the front of her wrists is facing a man, that means she trusts him.

[42:51] Karin: Very subtle things.

[42:53] Irena: It's a subtle things that once you know them, you can really be equipped to go out into the parties and the social setting to see how it is to approach women. If a woman is talking to you but all her body is turned the other way or her feet pointing in the opposite direction, she's maintaining the conversation just to be polite. She is not interested at all. So if there is a sitting position situation where you sit at the table, for instance, in the restaurant, and she's turned to you, but her knees, if she has her legs crossed, but her knees are pointing the opposite away from the guy, she's also not interested. This is why when I teach my clients how to make the first date memorable and how to read the body language, I always tell them, go on the first date where you can decide by side, because reading the body language is crucial. If you're in a restaurant having dinner, there is a big table between you and you are unable to see the lower body. And that actually cancels out a tremendous amount of opportunity there to understand how she's reacting.

[44:11] Karin: Great tips. That's really interesting because I'm sure women don't even consciously realize that they're putting out those signals most of the time. That's great for the women listening. Is there anything you want them to know about dating? Men that they tend to get wrong.

[44:30] Irena: Yes, absolutely. It goes both ways. We all need to learn skills on both sides. For women mostly, I would say, to reevaluate the belief system on love and relationship in general, reflect back. I actually have my female clients write out about the past relationships to outline the pattern. It's almost guaranteed that there is a pattern to outline the pattern of why past connections ended. And most of the time it is very clear. Once you put it on paper, once you outline all of these experiences, once you have this knowledge, once you reflect back, and once you have this knowledge and understanding, okay, this is what had happened. Now, at least from this point on, you can move forward. Changing this pattern, changing the pattern cannot happen without applying and developing new habits. You cannot actually, when it comes to personal development on any aspects, whether it's dating skills or anything in general in life, you have to replace an old belief, an old pattern with something new. So it cannot just be kind of canceled out and then there is space left because this is not how our brains work. Our brains have neural path paths that were there for years. And if you try to just cancel a certain pattern of belief without replacing it with a new one, it will not work. So women need to be kinder and more empathetic when they are approached by men, because consequently, what will happen is men will be not as scared of approaching. So we will create this beautiful snowball effect of men not being afraid of approaching, talking to women. They want to talk. And women should be just kind, in. I don't even like using rejecting somebody, but just letting somebody know that they're not interested. And this is a very crucial aspect. I suggest when I coach women, I always suggest that if you are approached by a man and you're not interested, don't just cut him off. Acknowledge his attempt, acknowledge his effort and tell him, listen, I'm touched that you've decided to come and talk to me. I'm not interested, but thank you so much for making an effort. He will go home not feeling completely rejected and going, okay, I'm not doing this anymore. He will go home knowing that he made an effort and while this particular instance did not work, he will try again. So there has to be empathetic, kind rejection of man.

[47:28] Karin: What encouragement can you give men so that they don't give up?

[47:32] Irena: Nobody should be given up on finding love. The older we get, the loneliness gets heavier and much, much more painful. When you are younger, you can be busy in yourself with building the career, going out with your friends, going out with your buddies. But as the time goes by, it gets heavier and much more painful. I would say again, getting those dating skills, equipping yourself with this confidence can be a life changer can really be a life changer because every man probably has a certain aspect in his life that he feels confident about because confidence, it doesn't automatically transfer into all aspects of life. There's somewhere where you're confident and there's somewhere where you're not so confident and there's somewhere where you have complete self doubt, right? So it doesn't necessarily easily transfer from one aspect of your life, of your being to another. So becoming confident in dating life, equipping yourself with skills, reaching out for help, either getting a coach, going to therapy, finding a support group, or even self education is fine. But finding help, reaching out for help, educating yourself is again a big sign of strength. Just like vulnerability, it means that you are strong enough to admit, okay, I've tried something, it did not work. And now I'm going to adjust and I'm going to try something different. And this is strength.

[49:17] Karin: Yeah. And it's growth.

[49:18] Irena: It's growth. It's ongoing. We're all work in progress. It's a never ending journey. We're all work in progress. And I think once we both men and women, once we stop looking at each other and comparing ourselves to somebody else, thinking they're, oh, they're so perfect, just because they may look perfect on the outside. Meanwhile, we all have insecurities men and women, we just cover them up sometimes in very unhealthy ways. But yes, comparing never really helps.

[49:47] Karin: So what role does love play in the work that you do?

[49:51] Irena: Beautiful question. Coaching people to find love is something that's extremely close to my heart. And because I personally had undergone quite a long transformative journey of healing myself, when I had to address my childhood trauma, I had to completely reparent myself to reprogram my mindset. I had to address the complete absence of self love and self worth in the past and having to learn how to be in relationship, having to learn what is actually healthy relationship and connection after multiple divorces and after many failed attempts at forming healthy connections. Now I have the wisdom and I have the experience and education and most importantly, dedication to help others to find love. Find love not just with somebody else, but also find love within themselves. Because consequently, this is where love for others and with others comes from. So equipping people with skills that I never had myself many years ago to navigate my love life, it makes me super happy and I believe that I'm truly making a difference in the world. With every coached client, there is a ripple effect. Every person that gets a little bit of skills will make little improvements and it will consequently make improvements in the person they interact with, the friends they talk to. If they have children in the future, that means they're going to raise healthier children and then we'll have a better world.

[51:42] Karin: Yeah, I believe that too. So how can people learn more about you and about working with you.

[51:50] Irena: I have a website, so my main website, it's relatively easy to remember it's lovedandfulfilled.com. There's a reason why I chose this domain, because it's essential for everybody to feel loved and to feel fulfilled. So it's lovedandfulfilled.com. And the easiest way to get in touch with me if you are considering coaching is through booking a call on my website. And this is a free phone call, video call, actually, usually. And this is a breakthrough session to see where the person is currently, what the obstacles, what the current obstacles are, and how I can get them exactly to where they want to be so they don't necessarily zigzag too much, so they have a little bit more of a clear path towards finding love. And I also host from time to time dating workshops. Sometimes they are free, sometimes it's a coaching cohorts, group coaching cohorts. I'll be hosting one soon and it's a four week training, but all the information is on my website. Lovedandfulfilled.com.

[53:07] Karin: Great. Irena, thank you so much for spending the time and teaching us more about this topic because I think it's a really important one. So thanks for being here and talking with me.

[53:19] Irena: Thank you so much for having me. It's been a pleasure. And I'm always happy to share a little bit of skills that somebody can benefit from.

Outro:

[53:27] Karin: Thanks for joining us today on Love Is Us. If you like the show, I would so appreciate it if you left me a review. If you have questions and would like to follow me on social media, you can find me on Instagram, where I'm @theloveandconnectioncoach. Special thanks to Tim Gorman for my music, Ali Shaw for my artwork, and Ross Burdick for tech and editing assistance. Again, I'm so glad you joined us today because the best way to bring more love into your life and into the world is to be love. The best way to be love is to love yourself and those around you. Let's learn and be inspired together.