#383 How Do I Compare To Others

Anxiety to Confidence - The Personal Development Unplugged Podcast

How Do I Compare To Others And why is it so BS when I do (it wrong)?

Another listers question having trouble with this - comparing ourselves to others and feeling bad.

And an apology there are a couple of swear words in this episode - sorry they just slipped out and I do think keeping them in is appropriate and deliberately a little shocking

I think we all have issues with comparing to others and I want to share my personal experiences, yup plural, and what happened.

The thing is we only see the outside of people, their showreels, and I know you and I never get to compare against how they really are. and if we did it might be a different result to our emotions.

I will take you on an audio adventure of who to compare to and use that comparison to make your life better every day, week, month, and year.

I'll also share how to compare to others that work too. Oh, am I a sharer. :O)

Talking of sharing here's a link to share this episode with others if they haven't a podcast app

https://personaldevelopmentunplugged.com/383-how-do-i-compare-to-others/

I hope you enjoy and if I have shared something you didn't know that's GREAT! If you know all this 'stuff' hopefully I have encourage you to use what you know a little bit more.

Shine brightly

Paul

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And the transcript WARNING if you're a lover of the written word this may make you frustrated, or angry - you have been warned - is it an 'ism

Hey, my friend, how do I compare to others?

What's this all about? Well, it's a question that was raised by one of you about comparing to others and feeling bad. And, that is so bs. And I want to show you how, why and what to do about it and to feel the joy and love in the world. And, I know feeling joy and love in the world is so important to everyone to have a listen after these next 15 or so seconds.

Warning, warning. Warning. Warning. You are entering into the unplugged mind of Paul Clough. Clough. Too late. Personal development unplugged.

So you're back for a bit more. Hey, pleased to have you with me.

And I compare thee to a summer's night, summer's dream. I don't know what that was, but.

It's all about comparing ourselves to others. Isn't that what we do

Since I put the shortest newsletter out I could the other week, I got a question from one of the listeners. One of the, one of our listeners, one of you, one of the three of you out there asked another question.

And it's all about comparing ourselves, to others. And guess what?

Feeling bad.

Isn't that what we do?

Isn't that what we do? So I want to tell you a couple of stories.

First, about comparing. I attended trainings in NLP when I was a practitioner

First, about comparing.

About comparing. Now, I might warn you now, I might swear a little bit in this. Maybe not.

Maybe I'll be so articulate that I won't swear. But who knows?

We'll see.

Anyway, back in the days of my trainings in NLP, not the ones I did or I gave, but the ones.

I attended when I was a practitioner.

Or learning to be a practitioner and learning to be a master practitioner.

And you see, at the end of.

One room, of the room we were.

Doing the training in, there was a table. And it was the table I loved.

The most because it was the book table. And, when you're into hypnosis and.

NLP, as much as I was, you.

Just wanted to read and take in everything you could, especially the yellow books. I don't know why yellow books, but yellow books always seemed to be more attractive to me. And they just did.

They just did. And I bought a book every month.

Every month. But then I'd talk to a few people and they go, oh, I've read that. Oh, it's a really great book. Yeah, I've read that too.

Oh, I know all about that one.

I know that one and I know that one. And they would come out with all these, and that's the one side of NLP I'm not 100% with sometimes is the bloody wording. Sometimes the wording is a bit complicated, sometimes I think it's a little bit.

Up our ass, but I know what.

It's trying to do.

But, hey, but they were using words.

That just didn't make sense. And I used to sit there thinking, they know so much. Compared to me, I know nothing. They know so much.

I'm going to tell you what happened to them in a minute, but not yet.

You see, also in those trainings, and not just those trainings, even my hypnosis training, the trainings, I've gone to see other people watching demos and, a demo is. We're going to show you a process. We'll talk through a process. Now, has anybody got this type of problem?

Come up on the stage and we'll.

Get rid of it by using this process and we'll demonstrate the process. And, then you're all going to go away as practitioners and go and practice that as an exercise. And I used to watch those demos with the biggest eyes and a mouth dropped open, watching the skill of that trainer. And it was every trainer they just.

Seemed to master being able to find a root cause, be able to, I.

Don'T know, it was like, steer their way through.

It was if that process just homed in. And I used to think, compared to me, I, don't know if I'm.

M even going to be able to do the process.

I would never, never, ever in a.

Million, million bloody years be able to do that.

I never would. And, also in my clinic have.

These lovely clients come in, lovely people.

And some of them, when you look.

At them and you see them drive up in their bloody great big cars.

Huge cars, lovely cars, and you just.

Know they're in brackets, whatever that bracket is, successful. They look like they have it all. And I'm thinking other, bloody hell, you.

Come in here, you've got it all. But I knew that.

I know that's just silly self talk.

Because yet inside they were racked with.

All sorts of emotions, trauma, maybe they.

Were suffering from emotions, but from a deep grief, guilt and the anxiety and the fears that came from that, the effects were there, but it was like as if they didn't show it on the outside, they didn't show it.

Paul says he often compares himself to famous people on social media

See, another thing, another thing. You might believe this or you might.

Not, but I've got some friends.

I got a couple of friends.

And yes, I do. I'm not fibbing, I'm not bragging, I'm not bragging, I'm not bigging myself up because I've got a couple of friends.

But I've got a couple of friends.

And on the outside they seem so confident. They always seem bloody happy. They're laughing and they're joking, and they always seem to be flittering around and just having a great time with lots of different people. Always having a, having a joke, always.

Having a bit of a laugh.

They look absolutely as if they're killing.

It in a good way. But when we talk by ourselves, one to one, they admit to being anxious.

About things, anxious about their business. They're scared of, things that are happening in their life. They're worried.

Isn't that strange? Yet I compare them myself to them.

They tell such wonderful stories. They're always alive and soul of the party. And there's me old, little old introvert in that corner. Yes, they're my friends, but I'm the little one in the corner. And I'm big boy little one in the corner. I'm not big. I'm,

Tall.

Not big big, but tall, tall, tall.

Paul. And I compare.

I wish.

But then when I do hear them.

Talk about their anxieties, their fears, what they're scared about, m kept that hidden.

And there's a lot of funny people. I don't mean funny, weird funny.

I would keep making myself laugh this morning, and it is this morning. And I don't know why I said that either. But there's a lot of comedians, people who make people laugh for a living.

You hear about them being so depressed.

So depressed when they close the doors.

And become alone and you compare yourself.

To them, you think they're having a lovely, they're having such a great life, always seeing them laughing, joking, being interviewed.

Yeah, I wish I could be like that.

You think?

But then it's only when they open.

Up do you notice that they're really depressed.

even famous people who, you think are smashing it out the park, living the life.

Well, some people think they're living the.

Life, but they've lost all their friends because of the fame. They're not allowed to do anything.

But when you see them, they're strutting around.

And yet some of them commit suicide.

And even their closest friends would never guess.

Well, cloughy, I think we're going on the dark side. We don't want to go the dark side, you see?

Where are we bloody going?

Where the nearly saw.

Where are we going? Because the thing is, each one of.

Those little stories, and, they're all true, aren't they. It's not about comparing with others, because you can't.

How can you compare with others when.

You don't know what the inside is?

You don't know what's going through their heads. You don't know they're experiencing or what they're experiencing and how they're feeling it.

And what they've lost and what they're going through.

You're seeing their bloody show reels. We talk about, know, on Facebook and all that other social media toss, people showing their show reels.

And some even, well, they are made up.

I even knew of one guy who, when he went on holiday, just to show everybody the weather was so, so wonderful, he'd get someone to take his photograph with. He'd take, he's there in his little.

T shirt, smiling like anything. He actually told me, as soon as.

That photograph's taken, I have to put.

A jumper and me coat on because.

It'S so bloody cold. It's just sunny.

It was so cold.

But I just wanted to show people. And you think, wow, that's deception.

And it is.

It's just people having show reels, how.

Wonderful their bloody life is. And you see it everywhere, don't you? And then we compare against it. And what the fuck are you doing doing that for? Said I might swear, and it just came out.

So what or who should we compare to? Have a think about that, just for a second or two. Who or what should we compare to?

Have a guess. I'll tell you.

I'm going to swear now.

It's fucking you.

When we're planning our week ahead, look back at what happened in the week before

That's the only person we can compare against. We have right now. The most brilliant opportunity to learn and keep being the best us, there is in this world. The unique you, the unique me.

There is never a better opportunity for.

You right now to learn to be and keep being the best you.

And why is it the best opportunity? Because you're bloody here. You're breathing, you're above ground.

Who knows that thing.

You wake up in the morning, another day above ground, it's going to be brilliant. And all you have to do is.

Compare yourself with yourself.

Review yourself with who you were yesterday.

Maybe last week, maybe go back a.

Month, maybe the whole year. and I suggest you do each one of those. You should be looking back at yesterday and going, can I be a little bit better today? Should, at the end of the week, should we should all over ourselves.

But we could, at the beginning of.

A week, look back at the. When we're planning our week ahead, look back at what happened in the week before? And how can we make this next week even better? Look back at the whole month.

What did we achieve?

How far have we've come? And how can we make that even better? How come we can just grow just.

That little bit more and grow, I mean grow with joy, not just slogging.

Away at learning now grow to be the best version of ourselves.

You know that then maybe at.

One time you might look over the.

Whole year, what goals did I have a year ago? And they'll change month by month, won't they?

Because every year, a month by month is another year in a month ahead. What goals did I have a year ago? What have I achieved? What have I done? What have I met? What do I still want to do? How can I make it better for.

The whole next twelve months after that?

And then you can be start thinking, what can I learn from all of.

That to be better, happier, happier with.

More joy and love? And I'm getting soppy there.

Giving love is the only pure, pure emotion.

The number one emotion, love.

There is no other really emotion.

They're all derivatives from love.

That's what I believe, apart from the shit stuff. And we can be a little bit soppy because I don't know about you, I'd like and love a life a.

Daily, every day would be filled with joy and love. Yeah, maybe it's not always going to be that way, but if I can strive to do that, it'll be better.

Than it could have been, should have been, because I've made it better.

And you might even want to think, well, if I'm comparing myself in the past, how about comparing myself in the bloody future? How do I want to be? I know I want that joy.

I know I want that love.

But what can I do tomorrow?

So I'm a little bit today, so I'll make tomorrow a little bit more.

Of a stride, test, a stretch so I can strive to be better. That happened today. And I'm going to strive to be better than yesterday.

What about next week? How do I want to be next week?

How do I want to be next month?

How do I want to be next year?

Because, they're like your goals for.

The future, aren't they?

And it's how do you want to feel and what are the emotions you want to generate and feel and give and receive? It's just go on emotions to start off with. Because if you can live your life really feeling the emotions that you really.

Want and get them better and more.

Intense each day, each week, each month, each year. The things you'll be doing will be absolutely fucking awesome.

They will.

I do apologize by the swearing, but it's just me.

So instead of comparing against all that other toss, this is where you compare.

Take time out to review this. Literally, with wonderful intention

This is where you grow.

This is where you feel good and.

Take time out to review this. Literally, with wonderful intention. Take your ten minutes out and say stuff.

Everybody.

For me, this is my ten minutes. I just want to review and see how good I bloody am and how good I can be.

Even better or better. I could be even gooder or whatever it is. And then start to visualize feeling that way.

Maybe there are one or two things you're going to be doing behavior wise.

That will make you feel that way.

If you did it just the way.

You want, if the outcome was just the way you wanted it, or even.

Better than you wanted it. Because you're really not that intelligent enough. And nor am I, by the way, to really imagine how much we can have, because you need to let yourself go, like with the imagination of. With childlike qualities.

Imagine you could have anything.

How would that feel?

Because it's that feeling.

And, the thing is, you see, when it comes down to it, there's only one bloody person who can be you.

You. All those other people, they're not you.

So why are you comparing them with.

You think that's another one, isn't it? That's a little bit of a reframe.

Why are you comparing with others who are not you? Because you don't know what's going inside their head. You don't know their experiences.

You don't know what's happening. Now. Instead of comparing though, those show reels can be motivating, can't they?

Because I guess in some ways you're seeing those people at, their very, very, very best. Forget all the shit that was in the background.

They appear to be having a great time doing what they love.

And we can model the good bits.

Of that, but not the way they.

Do it, but get that to influence and inspire you to put it into your visualization.

So see yourself doing things similar and noticing as you do.

Just the old thing we've been doing here so many times in every. Not every episode, but most episodes. Seeing yourself out. I say that again and slow down, cloughy.

See yourself over there doing the things.

You want to do, experiencing the things.

You want to be and have and feel.

And then add those little skills that you've seen in other people's show reels. Maybe it's that smile.

Maybe it's that welcoming just being body language.

Maybe, just those little bits that you could add to the way you behave will make.

And then you'll get that feeling.

Now, the one thing about this, and.

I know you're going to say, oh.

No, cluffy, please don't say, write it down. Yes. Because you see, if you just think about this stuff, thinking is good, doing is better.

because you can think about that forever.

But if you don't do it, then it's waste of time. And I want to do a longer.

Podcast on that bit. And I don't like butts either.

You need to be able to put this down into some form of writing so you can remember it. Even if it's not fully fledged sentences. It's not a book, it's not chapters, it's that. But just get like, I call it a puzzle book. Things that you're going to work through. So you might just notice one or two skills that you like, just throw.

Them down on a piece of paper.

Because then you can go back to it. So when you're imagining and envisualizing yourself in the future, being able to have those experiences, you can look at that puzzle book and go, ah, add in those couple. You might call it a dream book. I actually had a load of dream books printed of something I, I created, myself.

And it just seemed to work a little bit. Maybe you call them idea books, basically.

Puzzles, dreams, ideas, goals, thinking books, whatever you want.

Get a bloody book.

And a book could be a piece of paper, by the way, just a book sometimes is nice to hold. Nice colored pens.

I have a thing about colored pens.

But the thing is, you write all those things down, that's pretty awesome.

But there's one more thing to do.

Do the bloody work. We've talked about that on an FMQ. The only mind hack is to do the work. So when you start visualizing and you start seeing the things you want to pull into your life or how you want to feel, because you can think of how I want to feel, but.

You might forget about it.

Write it down in that puzzle book, that dream book, that idea book, and.

Then do the work by visualizing it and then setting a target, a goal to go do it.

And you'll be amazed when you look back over yesterday.

Go, shit, that was good.

Look back over the week.

Wow, I had some good times in there.

That's a little bit.

I was learning processes before I became a practitioner of NLP

I tripped up, but I got up and cracked it and smashed it. Look back over the month things are happening. God, this year, next year, I can keep doing this. You'll be amazed, absolutely amazed, because you remember those NLP guys who knew everything.

They knew absolutely everything on that book.

They knew everything in the manual. They knew absolutely everything. In fact, they'd been doing it for bloody years. And when I compared themselves to me at that time, I thought, well, I don't know hardly anything.

But then I found out when I.

Asked some things, I asked some questions, because I was working with clients, I still wasn't a practitioner yet. I've been doing my hypnosis and hypnotherapy, but I hadn't been a practitioner of NLP, so I didn't know all the processes, but I was learning them before I actually got taught them, if that makes sense. I was reading books and, learning the processes and modeling them before I even got to become a practitioner. And I was doing it with clients, see, doing it with clients, not doing it on clients, doing it with clients. And I would ask them questions, I've got a little bit of an issue, I'm not quite so sure. And they said, well, no, we don't work with clients.

Oh, no, I can't do that.

They couldn't bloody do the work. They couldn't do what they know. And then there was those trainers I used to compare myself to. They were wonder. Each trainer I've been with, I've been so lucky that every trainer I've.

Been with, they have imparted so many wonderful skills. They were so lovely towards me.

And when I compared myself to them, I used to think I put them on a pedestal on a stage. And literally, they used to be on.

A stage, but I put them on that pedestal thinking, you're so skilled, how.

You do this in front of people, you can do a process, you can teach a process, you can change people.

And not change people, but get people.

To change by using a process, finding root causes, not just working on effects.

And really getting this done.

And then I remember years later what.

It really hit me years later, sitting.

On a stage in an auditorium in.

Front of about 120 people with my.

Son sitting beside me, just watching someone.

From the audience doing demos and realizing.

Well, I've been bloody doing this for.

A few years now. And I didn't know what the problem.

Was going to be. I just knew the process.

And it was so wonderful, buddy, how I can do that. I am doing that. I'm working with clients now. I've been working with clients for bloody donkeys years now.

But being able to sift through and sort through and find their core issue, not just working on the effects, because when you work on effects, the effects.

Just keep coming back, I think.

But working on the core issue, the thing that once disappeared, will let all.

Those effects go and letting it go in that moment. well, I'm doing that too. And, the thing is, I didn't.

Notice any of that bloody stuff because.

I was too busy doing it being me. And it didn't happen overnight like that.

It happened daily, it happened weekly, it happened monthly, it happened annually. See, you knew. You thought I was going to say yearly, showing my use of the english.

Language and how to articulate, but just being busy. Yes, I used a lot of it.

By modeling them, taking their good bits. Okay, there's those people.

They could learn from books.

So I learned. I modeled how they learned and then put it into practice to do the work.

Those wonderful trainers modeled how they talked.

How they moved, how they talked, how they.

How.

They just got people to feel so relaxed and be so confident in the process. And now I. Because when you first start, you think, I wonder if it's going to work. I really wonder.

I bet it didn't work.

And sometimes you were afraid the very early days to test the work with your clients, you'd want to get them out the door really quickly, thinking, I'm not going to ask me if it.

Worked, but now test the ass off it. You really want to know that that client in front of me has got what they want? No fudging. And, yes, there's always going to be more because I'm thinking about, how.

Good was I yesterday? And sometimes those yesterdays weren't so good.

Even now I can think of a.

Couple of days ago, and I think it was yesterday that far away. Well, I wasn't quite so good, but I got to be better, got to.

Get up, got to move on, because I can always strive to be even better.

And, what I thought of when I was thinking about all of this.

Just think, if you weren't here, you wouldn't be you. So just be grateful for being here, being you. Me being me, not you. Be grateful for me.

I'm grateful for you for being here and seeing you change, seeing you get the dreams and achieving everything you want, but just being grateful for being who.

We are in this world, in this.

Life, living, being we've. We've. We've been given a bloody life to live.

Every week, every month, every year, we can support others

So don't use it by caring it, comparing it to other bloody people.

And he said idiots didn't mean that. Be so grateful that we were born.

To live this life and do something.

With it, create something with it.

And if we can really be ourselves, strive to be our best every day.

Every week, every month, every year, we can support others.

And if we put the two together, if we can be the best version ourselves and support others and do it like selfless service, not wanting anything in return, knowing that the law, reciprocity, reciprocity will come and dump good stuff on us anyway.

So you just have to do it. It's going to be a great life. And all you got to do is model, strive to be better and compare yourself to you.

Because I made a few notes around this. What do I want to tell you? Basically, there's only one you, so that's.

The only you you can bloody be.

And if you can be the best.

Version of you every day, maybe, not that you think, I could have been.

Better yesterday, and I know I could have done, but it was the best I was doing.

I wasn't doing anything to purposely bugger.

Things up, I just buggered things up. And how do I want you feel? I thought, how do I want you.

My friend, to feel?

And it was really simple.

I just saw a little voice coming out saying, well, I'll do it, then I'll be me.

And if I could just get you.

To think, okay, then I'll do it. No, okay, I'm going to be me.

And I thought to myself, why is this all so important? And it was that last little bit.

Because we're on this world for a bloody reason. We've been given the opportunity and we should be grateful for it.

And when we're really grateful, that's where.

The love comes from, I think.

And the thing is, we all have this bloody thing about comparing to.

Others, so let's use the skill of comparing, but use it to compare against.

Us and feel gratitude and feel grateful, and just to expand the love and the joy. Gonzop, you again.

Cluffy. I know, there you go, comparing to other.

How do I compare to others is the title of this blooming old podcast. And the answer is, you bloody don't.

Do you.

Think of that saying, just coming to mind, be the change you want to see in others. Be the change you want to see in yourself. Well, if you can be the change you want to see in others and change you want to be in yourself, you become that model for other people to follow, follow in the way that.

They choose the good bits from you.

And you get to choose the good bits from them. And the world becomes a happy place. Hopefully it gets more happier, more joy, more love. There you go, my friend. I do appreciate your time with me. I, would love you to share this. You know that I always love people to share this work that we do, because I think it means, well, to me, it's really important. It really is important. I often wonder why I do it, but I know I'm doing it for me because I'm talking to myself. A lot of this is all about. It's all directed to me. And you get the benefit if there is a benefit. But I'm really talking to you, too. Talking to you. The unconscious mind. Your unconscious mind. So if you would share it, it will make things so much better. And if you could subscribe, follow, maybe even leave a little bit of.

Don't.

Don't worry about leaving little notes on websites you could if you wanted to, but don't worry about it. But if you could just subscribe, follow and bloody share, you would be paying it forward like there's no tomorrow and there is a tomorrow. Well, the times a construct, so tomorrow's today when it comes in. So have so much more fun than you can stand and share it with others.

Ask me a question. Email me at feedback at personal developmentunplug

Okay, so I'm going to go now. We're going to fly. And after flying, if you are new to this, I'll give you the heads up of what the personal development unplugged, podcast is all about. But if you've been here so long, ask me a question. Oh, thought you were going to get away, didn't you? Ask me a question. Ask me about something that you want. Just like this. This wonderful listener of you that are the three of you out there had this thing going on in their life, and I hope I've helped, because this affects us all. And every question you have, every issue you have, you're not alone. Just remember, you're always with us. So email me. I say that really clearly this time. Email me at feedback at personal developmentunplug.com and I'd love to hear from.

This is the personal development unplugged podcast where we use hypnosis

Okay, now it's time to fly.

Warning. You are now leaving the unplugged mind of Paul Clough. It's time to fly on your own. Be brave, my friend.

Personal development unplugged.

Hey, this is the personal development unplugged podcast where we use hypnosis. Yeah, hypnosis, NLP, neurolinguistic programming. Don't worry what it is. It's just a mass of processes that we're going to get you to change change to let go of anxiety, low self esteem and create massive, massive, supreme inner confidence. But that's confidence in your competence and competence in your confidence, which means you can do anything and be well, be safe to enjoy, enjoy the world as it should be with you at the helm, creating the life that you want. That's what this podcast is about, you and being the best you, you could be, singing from your real voice, aligned with your mission, aligned with your passions.

That's what it's about.

So if you're interested in letting go of anxiety, if you're interested in letting go of fear, guilt, all those blue in syndromes, impostor syndromes, and every little bit of the mind which is negative, then have a listen here because we've got some wonderful processes and lots of good conversations with between you and me to get us both thinking in such wonderful ways. I'm sure you'll enjoy it. Just take the chance to have a, have a listen.