#57 Men: How to save your marriage, with Amrit Singh

Love Is Us: Exploring Relationships and How We Connect

Learn what it takes to change a relationship dynamic and improve a marriage in this conversation with Amrit Singh. Amrit has been studying Kundalini Yoga for over 30 years which gives him the ability to deeply understand and connect with his clients. In 1999 Amrit Singh decided to move to India to deepen his exploration of yoga and meditation. After 20 years in India, he recently moved to Valle de Bravo in Mexico. During all these years his true passion has always been in helping people through individual and group coaching, with a special focus men and their relationships.

TRANSCRIPT

Intro:

Karin: This is Love Is Us, Exploring Relationships and How We Connect. I'm your host, Karin Calde. I'll talk with people about how we can strengthen our relationships, explore who we are in those relationships, and experience a greater sense of love and connection with those around us, including ourselves. I have a PhD in clinical Psychology, practiced as a psychologist resident, and after diving into my own healing work, I went back to school and became a coach, helping individuals and couples with their relationships and personal growth. If you want to experience more love in your life and contribute to healing the disconnect so prevalent in our world today, you're in the right place. Welcome to Love Is Us.

Episode:

Karin: Welcome, Amrit.

[01:43] Amrit: Thanks for having me.

[01:44] Karin: Yeah, I'm glad we could make this happen. I know we had to reschedule once, but glad we could finally get it done. So tell us where you are in the world.

[01:53] Amrit: I'm in Mexico, near Mexico City, up in the mountains. 6000ft with beautiful spring weather all year round. So it's like beautiful 75 degrees all year. It's perfect place to live. Highly recommend it to move to Mexico.

[02:12] Karin: I tell you, that is so tempting. As someone who's just been through a horrible winter in Portland, Oregon and the US, that sounds awfully tempting. Yes. So tell me what brought you there because I know that you are quite the international traveler.

[02:31] Amrit: Yeah, my wife is mexican and she left Mexico when she was 17 and never really been back to live here. And that was always one of her dreams for her kids to experience that and to just be in the culture here in Mexico. And it's so different. Right? So we lived in India for 20 years and that was certainly different. And then after we left India, we went to Germany because we're like, okay, we got the whole world open. What are we going to do? For some reason we thought Germany would be nice. We went there in the summer, which is one of the things. It was beautiful and everything so lush. And she very quickly realized that she was missing this close connection of friends and community and the open hearts. And then Covid hit and just made everything worse. And so the first moment we had a chance, we packed up and ran.

[03:26] Karin: And you've got two. So that really was an adjustment. It was very. Right?

[03:32] Amrit: Yeah. Oh, was huge. I mean, the shift between India and Germany was already massive. And then to come to Mexico was just another level to, you know, fun and bet.

[03:46] Karin: I bet. So tell us what you do for work.

[03:50] Amrit: I'm a life coach, and I focus on working with men who are struggling in their marriages because I found that so many of my individual clients who were men were saying, like, oh, I'm doing great with this and that I'm doing good in my health, I'm doing good in my business. But the one thing which I just can't figure out is how to get along with my wife. And I love her. We've been together for 20 years, but I'm seeing this drift apart. And so I did a lot of work one on one with my male clients on that, and it changed their lives because it was just so profound to have some simple tools on how to communicate, do some things you would never do if you were married to another guy, but if you're married to a woman, so you do some other things. And we just had huge success. And so I came up with this program to work with men in a group setting where we're all supporting each other. And it's been amazing. I mean, really rewarding work.

[04:56] Karin: And, of course, I'm a big proponent of men's groups. So I love that we get to talk more about this, but perhaps you can tell us first a little bit about what brought you to say coaching.

[05:11] Amrit: Well, it's interesting because when I look back on my life now, I've been coaching people since I'm 15. I just didn't know I was coaching people. And I always had little meetings here and there with the people I was working with. When I was in India, worked at an international boarding school. I worked with a lot of the kids there in that way. And I always realized that I like the difference between being a teacher towards being a coach. And I like being a coach much better because a coach asks questions and lets you find your answers. A teacher tells you what you should think and what the answers are, and it doesn't really matter what you're thinking. So when I really went into it full time now, a couple of years ago, I had so much fun with it. And that was the best part for me. That was, for me, the reminder of, you're going in the right direction, and this just has to build up, and it takes time, but it's just what I enjoy doing.

[06:13] Karin: And the men that come to you, you said that they feel like they're drifting apart from their partners and they need some communication tools. What else are they seeking?

[06:24] Amrit: They're seeking this connection. They are seeking intimacy again, because that's one of the first things that goes out the window. And they just want to be happy and enjoy and really show up as a more authentic version of themselves. They don't know that quite yet. When they come to me, they come to me as, oh, I want to save my marriage. But really what we're working on is, how can you be happier with yourself? How can you show up more authentically as a true version of yourself, where you're radiant, where you're happy, where you're fulfilled, and guess what? Your partner will be excited in wanting to be in a relationship with you because you are in this state of radiance and happiness, and that's a person someone else wants to be with. And it's not so much about what can I do to change my partner, but what can I do to change myself so I'm happier, I'm more fulfilled. And then that just ripples through the relationship. And then after six to eight weeks, they come to me and they're like, oh, my God, my wife changed. She's doing things differently. And it's like, yeah, this was the miracle.

[07:40] Karin: And, yeah, you know, the truth of it, it's really that they, that not their wives, that have changed to a.

[07:47] Amrit: Certain degree, the wife does start changing, and it is so powerful to watch because now suddenly she's around this really upbeat, positive, high spirit guy who is, like, asking her for her needs and what she wants and what's important to her and takes her out for dates and does the right things, and she gets inspired by it, and she wants to just also raise her vibration. And so then it becomes this Tita Todd a game, right, where both just start expanding, and then they suddenly look at it and say, like, oh, my God, my relationship hasn't been this good since the kids were born.

[08:25] Karin: Yeah. And yes, when you changed part of a system, the whole system changes, but you're really starting with the man who's coming to see you. And I think that's where a lot of people don't understand the value of working on a relationship when it's just one person initially doing the work. And yet when that one person starts working on themselves, it really does have a big effect on everything else in their life, too, right?

[08:56] Amrit: Yeah, huge ripple effect. And it goes into everything, and then from there, it expands in their work, into their business, into their health journey, into their spiritual discovery. I mean, it just ripples everywhere because it all starts with you yourself. And sometimes people have this misconception where they think, oh, a marriage should be 50 50, right? I did my 50%, and now she has to do her 50%. And if she only does 49, then I'm going to be upset. But it's a little bit like if you're on a football team and you're playing with your other players, you're not just going to play at 50% because someone is not going all out, right? You're going to give it your 100%, and that's how you're going to win the game. So it's really not that difficult to understand. But the other interesting thing, too, is, like, the moment you give 100%, you're taking 100% responsibility and you're really showing up for yourself, for your marriage. Not because she had a good day or she had a bad day or she said something nice or she didn't or whatever, but you're showing up because you want that, and that's when it gets real.

[10:08] Karin: Yeah. Rather than scorekeeping, right. We're saying, okay, I've done my part, now you do yours. Does that ever work?

[10:16] Amrit: Yeah, we talk about that. We talk about scorekeeping because it's a tendency, and it's something we all carry from our childhood where we're like, oh, I carried the trash out three times, now it's my siblings turn. Right. But that's not how it works in a relationship, and that's not how it works when you want to expand your love and really live in a fulfilled relationship.

[10:40] Karin: And you talked about being authentic. How do you define being more authentic?

[10:47] Amrit: To get to know yourself better and really what makes you tick and really what's going on inside of you. So we talk a lot around emotions, and where do those emotions of anger and frustration come from? What's behind that? We talk about needs and wants. And so many men never ask themselves what they truly need, what they truly want. We live in a society where women for thousands of years had woman circles, right? Where they come together and they would meet with each other and they would support each other, and they would spend time together, and they would process together, and man would just all walk by themselves through the forest and go try to hunt a deer. Right. When man came together, historically, was always like, okay, let's drink a lot of alcohol and not talk about anything which could set one of us off. But to really like this new generation of us men now, and it's cool to see because this is already now happening much more with a younger generation, is they really want to connect to what's going on inside of them. They want to talk about it, they want to come together, they want to share. And I think it's a beautiful time for the world of us men to really grow into that and learn how to do it well and learn all the benefits that come with it.

[12:14] Karin: And you talked about exploring emotions, and I'm guessing that there are some men that really struggle with that in the beginning when they start to work with you.

[12:23] Amrit: It's super hard for us men because the problem is we are all generationally connected, right? We're connected to our lineage. And so for us men, our fathers, probably in my age especially, did not do a lot of with emotions, right? Maybe a little bit like 5% emotional involvement. But then our grandfathers were even further disconnected from it, and then the great grandfathers even further. And it keeps going back generations and generations before us. So it's really, really challenging for us men to become vulnerable and to open up and to just admit to, oh, yeah, it's not just that. I know only frustration and anger. There can be emotions below that. And I have feelings and I can get hurt, and I can be vulnerable. And just this understanding of it is so powerful and really helps a lot of men to open up and realize that there's a whole other life there.

[13:26] Karin: And what does that emotional work have to do with sex?

[13:33] Amrit: It has so much to do with it. And this is actually something we cover in the course because I take them through the whole process. Right. We start with taking responsibility first, then we start with building trust. Then we learn about communication, and then it goes into emotional connection, because unless you can establish an emotional connection with another human being, sex will just be superficial, will be basically two people masturbating with each other, because it's just this superficial thing. Right. But the moment you have that emotional connection, that's when you can create that physical connection. And then sex becomes something most men haven't even heard about. How expansive and how uplifting it can be.

[14:21] Karin: Yeah. And how as you get older and deepen your connection with your partner that just gets better and better.

[14:31] Amrit: Exactly. Yeah. And that's another concept which blows some of my clients minds where I'm like, I've been married for 20 years. I don't think we'll ever have good sex again. I'm like, no, it's opposite. Now is the beginning. Now it's going to get so much better because you have that depth. But you do need to establish trust first. You do need to establish the emotional connection first because you need to understand this just doesn't happen by itself.

[14:57] Karin: Yeah. And you need to be a team. You're in this together.

[15:01] Amrit: Yeah.

[15:03] Karin: So what else do men get wrong about sex?

[15:06] Amrit: Men get so much wrong about sex. I think it has to do with the fact that women almost have that advantage of being able to warm up much slower. Right. It's a process for a woman. For a woman to really become sexually engaged, it takes time, it might take hours, it might take days to really get to the point where you can really open your heart for men. We are trained since childhood that you can get excited with porn in three minutes, and then it's over two minutes after that. And so this programming kind of gets carried over into sex. And we think we have a fulfilling sex life because we had an ejaculation, but it's like 2% of what it can really be. And so it's like such a deep misunderstanding. And so I would really encourage all the listeners who are men to study tantric practices. The Kamasutra people have been talking about this for 5000 years. This is not something new. There is so much out there to learn. There's so much out there to learn about how our body works, what we can do differently, and how we can get in tune with another person's body and find that balancing point where things just start flowing and expanding.

[16:33] Karin: Yeah. And it's perfect because just last week I talked with someone about Tantra. So this flows very well. How do you define spirituality in the context of the work that you do with men?

[16:47] Amrit: For me, what it always comes back down to when I talk about spirituality is this quote I heard from my teacher 30 years ago, and I loved it. And it's very simple. He said, we're not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. And that just did it for me. That was the whole explanation I needed for spirituality, for how to integrate that as being a human being where I was now, not searching for it in the outside world anymore. But I really started finding my spirituality inside myself. And another big thing, to be reminded that every other living thing has a spirit. And so every other living thing on this planet is just as spiritual. But for us as humans, we have this ability with this human body, with this chakra system, with our aura, with all these extras we have going for us to really go to an amazing high level of connection in our spirit and with the universe while still being in this physical form as a human being. Very grounded, very connected with the earth. And that's why religions have been so successful over the last 3000 years, because they took this concept of connecting with spirit, which is everything, and just said, oh, here's a couple of rules. And if you follow these rules, and if you grow a beard or put a turban on or don't put a turbine and shave your beard or whatever, the thing is, that's when you're doing the right thing. So, for me, I lived as a Sikh for many years, and I really connected deeply to the sikh religion until I got to the point where I was like, I want spirituality. I don't want religion in my life. I don't need these limitations. I don't need this. Oh, my religion is bigger than your religion, and my God is stronger than your God. Right? We did that when we were five, talking about our death. Right. For us guys. And so this is something where I kept my beard on my turban just because I love it so much, and I connected with it on such a deep level. But I wouldn't really call myself a Sikh anymore because I feel it's so limiting. I'm a spiritual being. I'm a spiritual seeker. I love connecting with other people from other religious traditions who also have an open mind and who can see beyond their horizon because they use their religious practice, their religious connection, to connect with their essence and connect with spirit, rather than get stuck in it and get kept small by it.

[19:43] Karin: So it sounds like you're really open to working with people from all kinds of backgrounds and that you're not trying to bring them into one kind of religious practice, but rather connect them with their own and what's really real for them.

[20:01] Amrit: Yeah. And honestly, it doesn't even matter. You can be religious. Be not be religious. You can believe in God. You cannot be believing in God. All that doesn't matter, because ultimately, again, you're this spiritual being, having this human experience. If you want to connect to that spiritual essence inside of you, there's thousand different ways. And we live in 2024. I mean, you can learn new ways to connect spiritually on TikTok, and there's great stuff on that. And so we're living at a time, and I love talking to teenagers about this, because for them, when you talk to them about spirituality, they're all like, oh, yeah, sure, of course they understand this. When I was a teenager, less than 5% of the other kids had, like, a relation with spirit. The only people who had a little bit something were the people who were religious, but they were kind of stuck in their thing, right. But time has changed so much in the last 40, 50 years, and I think it's this deep connection with spirit within, and I think that's where we're going as a human race. So all the religion is just going to fall to the wayside, in my opinion.

[21:18] Karin: So why do you think that kids nowadays are more connected that way?

[21:23] Amrit: I think it's a whole nother generation. I think it's much bigger picture. It's a whole nother breed of souls that have incarnated in the last 1520 years. And I love talking to kids because it is so fun connecting with kids. They have so much capacity. They're not influenced by what should be or what should not be. And they have such a deep understanding of themselves already, especially this new generation, that I have big hopes for the future because they're going to take over from all of us at some point, and that's going to be good.

[22:04] Karin: I love hearing that. So how do you help people connect spiritually?

[22:09] Amrit: There's so many techniques. The one I like to use is meditation, because I find that when you go inwards and you get quiet, everything up, everything is there. And there is a couple of different meditation modalities you can use. You can use a guided meditation, you can use some mantra or some sound, but these are all just tools to come to yourself. When I started practicing, I started practicing with kundalini yoga because I was not able to meditate. If you would have sat me down, say, meditate for five minutes, my mind would have been all over the place. I couldn't do it. But then when I did a yoga set first and spent 45 minutes connecting with my body, now I was able to sit for 510 minutes and meditate. So for me, yoga was a necessity to get me to meditation.

[23:03] Karin: And that is the purpose of yoga, isn't it?

[23:06] Amrit: Yeah, that's the whole idea behind it.

[23:07] Karin: That's why it was developed, right? To get you to that place.

[23:12] Amrit: And you also look really good in cute yoga pants.

[23:17] Karin: Of course. Okay, so you recommend clients start a meditation practice and perhaps they pair that with not even.

[23:28] Amrit: Because just looking like this, people already put me in a box. Right? I mean, that's just what happened. But usually the people who choose to work with me come to that at some point where they are like, I want to know more about meditation. Don't you meditate? Can you tell me something? And that's my way in. That's when I can share what I have. But I'm very sensitive to that, to not force someone down the road they don't want to go on.

[23:57] Karin: Yeah. And how does that help their relationships connecting spiritually?

[24:04] Amrit: Again, it helps with connecting with self. It helps with becoming more authentic, and it helps with just arriving with you and accepting you at a deeper level. And so what I do with the people who get a sense that meditation is a little earlier, I'll say to them, go for a beautiful walk in the forest and then sit on the bench and don't look at your phone, just close your eyes or look at the trees, listen to the sound. Or even when you're driving your car and you drive somewhere before you rush out, just take five minutes and sit in the car and just breathe. Right. And just be with yourself. Because every time we practice becoming present with ourselves. And that's why the human body is such a great tool, right? Because you can use it to feel this present moment, and you can use it to experience the weight of your body, the connection you're having within yourself and how that feels. You can use your breath, you can use your heartbeat. I mean, there's so many beautiful things you can do. Which then, in turn, to answer your question, make you more aware, more conscious, and not so distracted by what was in the past or what could possibly be in the future. But you're arriving more on the present moment. And if you bring that into your relationship, this presence, this awareness, that's when things start changing. Because now suddenly you can see the other person, you can see what they are going through, you can see what they're experiencing emotionally. And you can slow down and say, what's going on with you? Tell me more about that. And you can allow your partner to speak about it and create emotional connection, which ultimately then leads to physical connection and an improved sex life. Right. So that closes the whole cycle.

[26:04] Karin: Yeah, they're all connected. But I love how you also say that helps you slow down. Yeah, because I think that's where so many of us get caught up and caught up in reacting instead of being able to slow down and really notice what's going on. And then we can make another choice, right?

[26:27] Amrit: Yeah. And we all want it. This is an interesting thing. One of the reason people like alcohol or weed is because they want to slow down. That's why they drink that drink in the evening, which ends up becoming four or five, because they need so much from the outside to slow down so they can become present. There's this urge to want to slow down. That's why people like those kinds of things. But there is other ways. There's other healthier ways which don't destroy your body in the process.

[27:04] Karin: And yet then those things become a habit and they feel like they can't do it otherwise.

[27:10] Amrit: No. Yeah. Because if you've been doing it for 20 years now, suddenly someone tells you, stop drinking alcohol. You're like, but that's what's keeping me sane, right? How could I stop doing this? And this is a big discussion which I have with my clients, where they almost come in with this thing, like, oh, I have to stop drinking alcohol now? I said, no, you don't have to stop drinking alcohol has nothing to do with that. You have to just understand why you're drinking alcohol in the first place, what it does for you, and then look at the quantities and then make a decision if that's how you want to live for the next 30, 40 years. And if you don't want to live like that, you can make adjustments, but you can only make adjustments if you replace what the alcohol was giving you with something else, because otherwise you will feel lack. And when you feel lack, you'll compensate in some other way.

[28:03] Karin: Yeah. That can be a really hard thing for someone to consider is like, wait, what? And you want me to do what instead? But doing that gradually and sitting with that, because meditation is also sitting with discomfort and learning to be okay with that, making space for that, which can be a bit of a hard sell. Right?

[28:28] Amrit: It is, yeah. Alcohol is definitely the easier sell. And so that's why it's so popular.

[28:34] Karin: Yeah. But it also ends up, and I don't want to say that you should never do these things, because I think that they really do help people cope when life can be really hard and it can be really damaging.

[28:53] Amrit: No, but what I work on with my clients is it's not if they drink or they don't drink. I always steered away from that conversation. The question is, if you drink, and if you drink more than you know you should be drinking, why do you need that? And that's where you need that connection with yourself. Because most people who drink too much. Whatever is too much, do it because they're compensating for some lack in their life. And if they can identify that and they can heal that first, then it's a no brainer to drink less and just say, oh, I drink a glass of wine once or twice a week with dinner and I enjoy it, but I don't need to drink two bottles every night just to be okay, so I can make it out bed again the next morning.

[29:45] Karin: Yeah. And then that affects their relationship with their part time, right?

[29:52] Amrit: Yeah.

[29:55] Karin: And when they stop drinking alcohol, do you also sometimes see some conflict with partners?

[30:03] Amrit: To a degree. I mean, it really depends on how they stop drinking alcohol. When it's this, okay, I'm going to stop this now because it's bad for me, but I kind of want to keep drinking, but I just stop. Just the sheer willpower. That's when the conflicts come, because there's this disconnect within yourself, there's this unhappiness in yourself. So I never recommend this to anyone. I say, you've been drinking for 30 years. If you drink another two months now or not, doesn't make a difference. So take this time and explore what's behind it. Right. And this is the same with all the addictions. It can be addiction to your phone, addiction to drugs, addictions to alcohol, whatever the addiction is, there is always something behind. Why? That is important for you to stay in equilibrium. And so when you take that away, people are not doing well. And it's the same like with people who are addicted to overeating. You can't just take the food away from them. They're going to be miserable. They're doing it as a way to self medicate. And there's always something behind. And unless you get to the root cause of the problem and really address that, I think it's almost irresponsible to tell someone to eat less just because they're 100 pounds overweight and their heart is suffering. But ultimately the body is processing something which the mind could not integrate. Unless you go there, it's not going to change.

[31:45] Karin: Yeah. It's a coping mechanism. So if you take away their coping mechanism, then you leave them really in a bad place.

[31:53] Amrit: Yeah. And it's super unhealthy.

[31:55] Karin: Yeah. So what are some of the things that you see underneath that? What are some of the realizations that these men come to like, oh, this is why I'm drinking.

[32:07] Amrit: It usually goes back to childhood stories. Right. It's usually something. And most of the time it has to do with a father sometimes. It's also something in relationship to the mother, but it's something of, oh, you need to be tough. You need to be strong. Why are you crying? You're a boy, right? That's the kind of stuff we heard 50 years ago. And so that's these kind of things when they suddenly start processing these kinds of emotions and they burst into tears over something which happened 40 years ago. And now finally, they can start a healing process around it. And that's when you can realize, okay, now, how much of this coping mechanism do you still need? Do you still need half? Do you need a quarter? What can you do with it? And that's more of a long term process, of course. But that's it in a nutshell, I would say, yeah.

[33:05] Karin: And so once someone realizes, oh, this is what's going on, this is why I'm doing it, then what do they do with that?

[33:14] Amrit: Usually when they're at that point where they can really connect the dots and they can really have that awareness, they want to do something about it, they're motivated, say, like, now I finally understand this. Now I understand why I would want to sit down and meditate, why I would want to drink less, why I would want to go outside and go for a walk and take care of my health, why I would want to skip the cheeseburger and eat some vegetables. Because now it makes sense. Now, again, they're connecting more authentically to self and to their body and to their identity. And now they don't want to be overweight anymore. Now they don't want to be addicted to their phone or to alcohol or to whatever anymore. Now they really want to make a change. And then that's a whole separate process. Right. Then depending on what the situation is like, you might need some additional expert help in the process. But if you really know why you want to make the change and you truly connect to that, that's when making the change is honestly the easier part.

[34:25] Karin: Yeah. Understanding that self awareness really is a big piece of it. But also with self acceptance, it's connected.

[34:34] Amrit: Because you cannot fully be self aware unless you're willing to accept all the darkness and the shadows that are behind something which looks more obvious. And now suddenly you have to accept yourself with these so labeled negative qualities, and you have to accept that that's part of your identity. And that's challenging, not just for men.

[35:01] Karin: Yeah, absolutely. I mean, that seems like the real work, getting into that shadow work.

[35:10] Amrit: You will not get into it unless you know your why. Because the why is what keeps you going. And so just to recommend to people to do shadow work or to process or get more aware about themselves is almost irresponsible because they'll get to a point where it gets hard and then they stop and then they say, oh yeah, this meditation stuff is all bs because it doesn't do anything and it's just hard and useless, right, but it was because they never got clear on why they needed or wanted to do it.

[35:48] Karin: So what would a why look like for somebody?

[35:52] Amrit: Funny enough, with my clients, it starts with they want to save their marriage, right? That they realize when they see their wife moving away and their kids are already 1617 and they know they're going to move out and they know this is not going to go well. They've seen it with all their friends and they say, I care so much for this woman and for this relationship because they're still thinking it's about the outside world, right? I want to do something about it. And now we start diving in, we start talking about themselves. And it gets so interesting because now they're suddenly realizing they're doing this for themselves and they're not doing it for the relationship and they're not doing it for their wife, they're not doing it for the kids or the family, they're doing it for themselves. But by doing it for themselves, their wife, their kids, everybody wants to be around them because they're like, wow, you're so much more fun to hang out with. You're like actually processing stuff. And so it's funny, they do get their result that they're not getting it the way they thought they would get it.

[36:58] Karin: Right, but it all comes together at connecting with their authentic selves and what they really want.

[37:05] Amrit: Yeah. And that's a lifetime journey. That's something that goes on and on and on. There's always another layer of exploration. But it's so exciting when you can really connect with that depth of spirit and with all these aspects of your identity and you're not just this walking mask that goes to work and comes home and drinks three beers and watches some netflix and goes to sleep. Right, so that's where it gets exciting.

[37:36] Karin: Yeah. And I'm guessing these men also just start to enjoy life a lot more.

[37:43] Amrit: So much more. Yeah. And they start enjoying their wives and they enjoy their kids and they enjoy their work more and it ripples into everything. And then after an extended period of time, now suddenly they get picked for promotions and they really start expanding and shining rather than being this depressed small version of themselves where they're just like, how I'm going to make it through tomorrow and pay the bills.

[38:12] Karin: Yeah. And then I'm curious also what you've seen between their relationships with their kids and what the kids notice and how that shifts things with the kids.

[38:25] Amrit: It's the easiest because the Kids are so sensitive. They're also not holding as much resentment. They probably also haven't received as much as many of the poor wives of my clients I'm going through. But it's like the kids turn around in a week or two or three. I mean, it's so quick because I just had this example from one of my recent clients where the wife was checked out. The two semi adult kids were on the wife's side. No one wanted to talk to him anymore. They're all like, okay, this has been going on for too many years. And just after two weeks in the program and after learning a couple simple concepts around communication and taking responsibility, he was able to reconnect with his kids again. And actually what he heard back from his daughter, which was so cool, was that she said, dan, we never talked like this before. I really enjoyed it. And he's like, yeah. And she kept talking, and she kept telling me things about herself, and I loved it, and I was so happy, and I was so fulfilling. And he couldn't believe he had missed this for 17 years. Right. And so mind boggling results with such small adjustments.

[39:48] Karin: Yeah. And if you could name one thing about communication and how you help men shift that, what would it be?

[39:59] Amrit: Learn how to listen.

[40:02] Karin: I was anticipating you're going to say that, and I wanted everyone to hear it from you, not just from me. Yeah.

[40:12] Amrit: No, because to truly listen and not already pre formulating a response or thinking, like, how can I say something really smart back? Or, how will that affect me if I say this? But to truly be present. And again, it comes back to being present. Right. Not being stuck in the past, not thinking about the future, but to really be present. Looking the other person in the face, looking in their eyes and just saying, I'm truly present, and I want to hear what you have to say. I mean, the most powerful communication technique out there.

[40:52] Karin: What do you say for the man who says, yeah, but I'm always so triggered when she says something, and I just go to the moon. And so it's really hard for me to do this.

[41:03] Amrit: For those men, it's either exercise, which helps, or long, deep breathing, or if they're at that place, meditation. Because unless you find that calm spot in yourself where no one and nothing can trigger you. You're not going to do well in those conversations with your wife where she says something and you get triggered and then you blame it on her that she triggered you and blah, blah, blah. And then it starts spinning in a circle. Right. So it's really, again, it's coming back to taking responsibility. Like, take responsibility for your own triggers. It's a little bit like, we're all really good with that. When we have a three year old and they throw a temper tantrum, we're not just going to go in there and saying, you triggered me, and now I'm upset because you were crying. That'silly. We stay calm and we're there and we hold them and we let them go through their process, and we allow them the space to express what they need to express. And then we give them a hug and we tell them we love them. We don't try to explain to the three year old, like, yeah, you need to do this different, and let me fix this for you. And it's like, come on. This is a general courtesy to give to another human being. You know how to do it with a three year old. Start doing this with your wife, just being generally courteous and do not allow anything what she is processing and going through to change your state of mind. If you want to become, become, it's your responsibility, not hers.

[42:38] Karin: Yeah. And I think that's a really important connection to make between learning how to be calm and doing something like meditation or spending time in nature where you really do learn how to slow down so that all of a sudden, when it's in the heat of the moment, you're not expected to do something new. You've already established this practice of knowing how to be aware of what's going on and to be able to slow down and witness yourself.

[43:09] Amrit: Yeah. And that's why you need to practice and you need to have some sort of routine and whatever that is. And my recommendation would be, if you can get there. And this still happens to me. I've been meditating for 30 years. I come to the point where I just realize, oh, my God, I'm going off the deep end just to say, like, I need to go outside now. I need to go take care of myself. Anything I will say will just be stupid, and I don't want to say this, so I'm going to remove myself and I will come back. This is the most important thing to say. I will come back. Not to use it as an excuse and then not talk about it for three months.

[43:48] Karin: Right, right.

[43:50] Amrit: It's not an escape. It's a way to calm yourself down and then come back the next day and say, hey, I'm more calm now. And I think it was really important what you brought up yesterday. Can we talk more about it? But it's a practice.

[44:05] Karin: Right. So if there's one thing you'd like people to walk away with after listening to this conversation, what would it be?

[44:14] Amrit: Take responsibility, and take 100% responsibility for your own life. Everything that you have or don't have, everything that you have created and that is around you is a reflection of your mental state and of where you are at. Every good relationship you have because you have shown up for that. Every challenging relationship is challenging because you have not yet taken 100% responsibility for your piece in it.

[44:51] Karin: Great. And what role does love play in the work that you do?

[44:55] Amrit: Love is just such a powerful emotion because the moment we deeply connect with our own love and our self love, it's so much easier to love others. It's so much easier to extend that love to clients, to people you meet on the street. And just the way you show up is always just a reflection of how deep that connection of love is within yourself. And so for me, it's always, you need to start learning to love yourself as a whole, not just the good parts, also the parts which are not so good and as a whole, truly accept you, because only then you can accept others.

[45:42] Karin: Yeah. Comes back to that self connection. It's got to start there.

[45:47] Amrit: Yeah, it all comes back to it. That's the wonderful thing about the work I do. It always comes back to self. So sometimes people will say to me in my one on one sessions where they're like, oh, I feel we're wasting time talking about this thing. And I'm like, no, this is perfect because we're really talking about you. And this just reflects in every aspect of your life. So it doesn't even matter what area of your life we're talking about, because this one thing is relevant everywhere.

[46:20] Karin: Yeah. And how can people learn more about you?

[46:26] Amrit: Most fun way is probably follow me on TikTok. There's a lot of fun videos on there. I always post stuff. You can find me on Facebook and on Instagram, too. And it's so easy in today's world to reach out. I also do work one on one with know in selected know. I have a couple women I work with, and I really enjoy the work with men and women alike, just for the men. I have this very specific program. The rest of my work is one on one.

[46:56] Karin: Okay. And so the program for men is a group program.

[47:00] Amrit: It's a group program. And we do one on one sessions. But it's also with a video course. I mean, it's really complete. Right. It's really with this very specific focus of what can you do to take divorce off the table and save your marriage? And your wife doesn't even need to be involved. Just that simple.

[47:21] Karin: And what's your name on TikTok?

[47:24] Amrit: It's Amrit Singh. And just super easy to find me. If you put in Amrit Singh, you'll find me there.

[47:32] Karin: Wonderful. And I'll put it in the show notes as well.

[47:34] Amrit: Yes, thank you for that.

[47:36] Karin: Well, thank you for joining me today, Amrit. I really appreciate the conversation.

[47:40] Amrit: And hearing that was so much fun. I had such a great time. Thank you so much.

[47:44] Karin: Oh, good. Well, enjoy the rest of your year long spring.

[47:50] Amrit: I enjoy it. I go walking barefoot in my garden every day, and it's just beautiful.

[47:56] Karin: Oh, sounds wonderful. All right, thank you.

Outro

[01:04:46] Karin: Thanks for joining us today on Love Is Us. If you like the show, I would so appreciate it if you left me a review. If you have questions and would like to follow me on social media, you can find me on Instagram, where I'm “theloveandconnectioncoach”. Special thanks to Tim Gorman for my music, Aly Shaw for my artwork, and Ross Burdick for tech and editing assistance. Again, I'm so glad you joined us today, because the best way to bring more love into your life and into the world is to be love. The best way to be love is to love yourself and those around you. Let's learn and be inspired together.