Should hammers be regulated like guns? . . . Is there any Constitutional right to possess a hammer or, indeed, any other hand tools? . . . How might we put an end to school shootings?


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Adam and Jeff discuss buying CNN with the spare change laying around the newsroom. The recent assault by a hammer-wielding assailant on Nancy Pelosi's husband, Paul, prompts Adam to propose a national registry of hammers complete with background checks and "cooling off" periods. Jeff talks about the Founding Fathers having failed to include any reference in the U.S. Constitution to the right to bear hammers--or, indeed, any other hand tools. The need for mandatory hammer safety courses is considered by Jeff and Adam as well as the glaring lack of hammer-related instruction in America's schools. Adam wonders if nails should be regulated in the same way as bullets so as to limit the destructive impact of hammers. To better ensure that nails are used for construction purposes only, Jeff proposes hiring 87,000 people (perhaps those newly-hired IRS agents who want to earn some extra cash) to follow anyone who buys nails around until they can verify that all of the nails have been used appropriately. Due to the fact that most mass shooters in schools murder their victims within the first few minutes, Jeff proposes that every student (most of whom have honed their shooting skills and eye-to-hand coordination on shoot-'em-up video games) be given a loaded pistol so that they can empty their rounds before a would-be perpetrator gets the first shot off,

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