The Only Detox Worth Doing

The Odyssey: Parenting. Caregiving. Disability.

Looking to feel better? Want to help your children feel better?

It might be time for a detox. And the one we’re talking about actually works.

The Odyssey: Parenting. Caregiving. Disability.

The Center for Family Involvement at VCU School of Education's Partnership for People with Disabilities provides informational and emotional support to people with disabilities and their families. All of our services are free. We just want to help. We know how hard this can be because we're in it with you.

SHOW NOTES:

Details on the United States Surgeon General’s Advisory About Effects of Social Media on Youth Mental Health.

Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy’s Op Ed Essay on why he’s calling for a warning label for social media.

Here is a full review of the book The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt.

Looking for ways to protect your family when they are online? Check out Erin’s article on how to make that happen: Time for Some Screen Cleaning.

Want to share your own experiences attempting a digital detox? Send Erin an email!

TRANSCRIPT:

Welcome to The Odyssey. Parenting, Caregiving, Disability. I'm Erin Croyle, the creator and host of the Odyssey podcast explores how our lives change when someone we love has a disability. I was lucky enough to head down this less traveled road when my first child was born with Down's Syndrome in 2010. Now I work for the Center for Family Involvement and Lisa's Partnership for People with Disabilities.

01:00:34:17 - 01:01:06:12

Erin Croyle

This podcast explores the triumphs and hardships we face. We celebrate the joys that the odyssey of parenting, caregiving and disability bring. But there's no sugarcoating of the tough stuff for so many of us. Everything feels harder than it should lately. Most everyone I know is just sort of getting by. That whole living your best life vibe that we had going around several years ago is mocked in a lot of circles.

01:01:06:14 - 01:01:22:15

Erin Croyle

So what's going on and what can we do to change it? Dare I say, a detox is in order and the one I'm recommending is something virtually everyone needs.

01:01:22:17 - 01:01:46:01

Erin Croyle

Is anyone okay right now? I'm living in this fog that's just clinging to every part of my being. My brain, my body, my soul. It lightens now and then and even lifts for a bit once in a while. But most of the time, it's so dense. I feel it pulling me down. When I talk to people close to me, most of them are in this metaphorical fog too.

01:01:46:03 - 01:02:10:05

Erin Croyle

I'm sure that some of what my age said is feeling is partly part of middle age, but I see it in my children and other kids their ages. I see it in. I see it across the board. This is an unprecedented mental health crisis that we're in. Our whole country is living under a heaviness like never before. So how do we feel?

01:02:10:05 - 01:02:39:01

Erin Croyle

Better. Look, I'm a journalist, not a doctor. Over the years, I've read, listened to, watched and or tried practically every bit of healthy living advice out there clean eating, running, tracking macros, fitness watches, apps, sleep hygiene, skipping breakfast, and sometimes lunch, also known as intermittent fasting. And even though I know that they're ridiculous, I love the idea of a detox.

01:02:39:03 - 01:03:12:01

Erin Croyle

The problem is none of them work. Even if I feel better for a little bit once, whatever I've cut out comes back into my life. All that work is for naught except for one. As my daughter would say. Drum roll, please. The Digital Detox. My first true digital detox happened by accident nearly a decade ago. We were on a family vacation in Michigan's Upper Peninsula and we had absolutely no service.

01:03:12:03 - 01:03:41:09

Erin Croyle

So imagine a week without a ping, a ring or a vibration interrupting a darn thing. There were no new notifications on social media. I didn't have the ability to post anything and therefore there was no need to see if there were any reactions. I didn't have any breaking news, no texts. It was amazing. That week was transforming. We live in an era of information overload that is beyond comprehension.

01:03:41:11 - 01:04:15:03

Erin Croyle

The only way to realize this is to pull yourself out of it. Pretty much everything you pull up on your phone is designed to get you to use your phone or that app or that website even more. This podcast, same thing. Every entity has their own reasons to get you to go down the rabbit hole. Now, for the work I do, it's so that people with disabilities and their families, whether it's ADHD or cerebral palsy or mental health or Down's syndrome or whatever, it's to have meaningful content with relatable stories that we can all listen to.

01:04:15:05 - 01:04:44:08

Erin Croyle

It's to connect people through digital media or in person, because this experience can be so isolating. It's providing information and resources for people with disabilities and their caregivers. It's collaborating with professionals and community members to make the world a better place for everyone. Ours is a well meaning rabbit hole, as are many others. But there are plenty of other holes that we fall down, and they range from harmless fun to vapid to downright dangerous.

01:04:44:10 - 01:05:16:17

Erin Croyle

Now, as an adult, I'm aware of the social media suck. My children, however, are in defiant denial of the pull it has on them. I finally have some research to back up my concerns. Our surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, is calling for a warning label for social media platforms. He points out that it's clear that it's a contributor to our mental health crisis and that we have to act now, even though the information we might have is imperfect.

01:05:16:19 - 01:05:46:04

Erin Croyle

In his latest book, The Anxious Generation How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness. Social psychologist Jonathan Haidt demonstrates the direct correlation between the introduction turned widespread use of smartphones. Social media, video games and other online platforms to the increasingly worrisome rise of the mental health crisis that we've witnessed over the last decade plus.

01:05:46:06 - 01:06:17:23

Erin Croyle

He does this using copious amounts of research. I'll put the links to the Surgeon General's initiative and more about the book and its author in the show notes. Reading his book confirms so many things that I've heard anecdotally from other parents and educators, particularly the term forever elsewhere. It's how they describe children today, especially in school, where they should be engaging and interacting, but they always seem sort of absent.

01:06:18:00 - 01:06:45:12

Erin Croyle

If you talk to educators who've been in the field for a while, they'll tell you they see a dramatic change in students today and they'll describe something that sounds just like that forever elsewhere phenomenon. It's really interesting to me how our society puts Steve Jobs on this pedestal because he created the iPhone and the iPad and so many people just hand their children these iPads and kids have their own tablets.

01:06:45:14 - 01:07:14:00

Erin Croyle

But Steve Jobs wouldn't let his kids use either of these devices in their home. Bill Gates talked about how he limited screen time for his own children. So our tech leaders know about the dangers. And we now have plenty of evidence that our social media companies are in the business of creating addictive platforms to draw us and especially children in to be heavy users.

01:07:14:02 - 01:07:45:13

Erin Croyle

I mean, if you think about it, we are creating content and making them money, most of us, for free. Now, I know it's hard because it can be so much fun and it connects us with people that we know. But I don't know when you think about it, do you really need all that connection? And when I look at all my friends on Facebook and Instagram, these hundreds of people, I mean, no offense to many of you, but do we need to know what's going on in each other's lives?

01:07:45:15 - 01:08:26:12

Erin Croyle

Do I really want to be connected to my entire graduating high school class anymore? I'm 46, and the way that our online interactions impact our in-person interactions is palpable. It's desensitized us to being humane and empathetic. It's so easy to write a flippant comment on someone's post that we would never dream of saying to that person to their face.

01:08:26:14 - 01:09:22:03

Erin Croyle

It's impacting humanity. It's impacting our caring, our kindness, our tolerance. We really need to look at that. Beyond that, though, just that constant stimulation, we aren't even aware of what it's doing to our brains. But what I can tell you from my own experience when I do quote unquote detox or make intentional efforts to not have my phone or not be online or not check anything, I feel better when we're in the throes of the busiest times of the year and you get the vibration or the text or the ping.

01:09:22:05 - 01:09:52:00

Erin Croyle

It can just set you off. It's impossible to relax because we are constantly interrupted and there's a sense of urgency that we never had to deal with before. Someone texts you and they expect to have the response right away. What is that doing to our nervous system? Could part of this be why we are all so tapped out?

01:09:52:02 - 01:10:28:21

Erin Croyle

A lot of people like to blame the mental health crisis on the pandemic and the isolation we experienced while we were figuring out just how contagious and awful COVID is. In what in that time, I know that I saw my own children grade school age children, online hours every day. And what I can tell you is even my youngest, who was a kindergartner at the time, was able to circumvent so many safeguards to just go on to YouTube.

01:10:28:23 - 01:10:54:16

Erin Croyle

These were school devices and they could figure out how to skip school at home. It advanced the ways that they knew how to work the systems. I hate Chromebooks, but the schools are relying on them now. How are we going to figure out how to undo some of this to move forward? I'm not sure, but we have to.

01:10:54:18 - 01:11:28:02

Erin Croyle

Now, I know it's not so simple, and especially when it comes to having children with intellectual and developmental disabilities. Listen, I'm not perfect. I get it. I view screens. I will still use screens. My son is home sick today and is watching TV right now. Because what am I supposed to do? Caregiving is so hard and so isolating at times that letting our children use a screen is the only way to get through the day.

01:11:28:04 - 01:12:04:05

Erin Croyle

But we don't know the consequences yet. And there's so little research and understanding about what's going on in the brains of everybody, let alone people who are neurodivergent and or intellectually and or developmentally disabled. Think about it. There's just so little research period for anyone other than, you know, certain demographics. And so now we have this technology that we know, but now we have research and confirmation about how dangerous it is, But we don't have any clue yet how dangerous it is.

01:12:04:05 - 01:12:38:20

Erin Croyle

And we might never. For children with intellectual and developmental disabilities. I see this with my own children and their peers. My oldest has down syndrome and ADHD, and there's virtually no research on that particular co-morbidity. Yet anecdotally in my own circles, it's an incredibly common thing to have both Down Syndrome and ADHD right now. Combine that with the fact that we're just at the tip of the iceberg of understanding how incredibly detrimental the recreational use of screens are for children.

01:12:38:22 - 01:13:08:03

Erin Croyle

And if we're being honest with ourselves, is the screen use we consider necessary or educational? Truly, that I've heard some educators mention that the popular math learning game prodigy, the online one, is pretty much garbage. And I know personally that it sucks kids in and that there are upgrades that children beg parents to buy. The line is purposely blurred between what is actually educational and useful and what is recreational.

01:13:08:05 - 01:13:45:16

Erin Croyle

And that line is intentionally blurred to keep children and adults locked. In the last decade, we've been indoctrinated into having our lives completely online, and it's going to take a while to undo that. I see it with myself. I'll just read news on my New York Times app and go down there Rabbit hole, and suddenly I find myself going from the latest in politics to what's happening in the Middle East to a food article, to an advice column to their gains.

01:13:45:16 - 01:14:12:19

Erin Croyle

And all of a sudden an hour's gone, an hour of my day is gone and there are not enough hours in the day. And that's me, an adult who understands this and can say, gosh, I need to do better. But then I see what happens to my children, all three of them. All they want is to watch something or YouTube or a phone or a tablet.

01:14:12:21 - 01:14:48:19

Erin Croyle

Just screen. Screen. Screen, screen. Screen screen. My oldest son has experienced so much anxiety and will talk about how he doesn't feel good and whine and even cry asking for YouTube. And because he has Down syndrome and because it's so hard to make friends and because this world is just so hard and ablest and tough. If that brings in joy, I want to give that to him because so much of his life is so hard.

01:14:48:21 - 01:15:12:05

Erin Croyle

But then I see what that spiral does to him and I don't know what to do. And what's even more perplexing is when I expressed concern that part of this might be related to him just kind of really wanting to be on a screen all the time. Even his doctors say, well, if that makes him happy, then maybe that's okay.

01:15:12:07 - 01:15:37:20

Erin Croyle

But every part of my being tells me I'm wrong. Yet getting him out of that cycle, even in my own home, is virtually impossible. I mean, just going to try to take YouTube off of the TV is really, really hard. I have an article on that that I'll put in the show notes because I did do some research on that.

01:15:38:01 - 01:16:08:19

Erin Croyle

While we were quarantined during the pandemic, just to help not have to monitor my children all the time and make sure they weren't watching things. But that's the thing. Even with restrictions in place, even with parental safeguards, it's a toxic rabbit hole that unless you're constantly monitoring your kids, you're not going to know what they're doing. And these computers that the school gives them, that they're supposed to do their homework on.

01:16:08:21 - 01:16:34:18

Erin Croyle

It's mind boggling to me that that's the expectation because I know I'm going to have to stand behind my kids to keep them off of YouTube, to keep them on task. Why are our structures set up like this? We need to undo them to help our kids. It's time for us to take control and turn this around for ourselves.

01:16:34:20 - 01:17:04:06

Erin Croyle

We cannot change the fact that we live in a digital world. And why should we? There are a lot of benefits, and now that we know the dangers. It's time for us to establish boundaries for ourselves and our children. Now, like I said, I'm not a doctor. I'm not a digital expert. I'm a journalist. And what I've gathered from the legitimate sources that I use, which again, I'll put in the show notes, there are some things we can do first.

01:17:04:07 - 01:17:35:21

Erin Croyle

The actual detox. This isn't easy, and in some cases it's not possible to do it purely right. We have work, our kids have school, whatever, but if it's possible, turn off your router for a weekend and just exist existing quiet or just play some music, but just chill it out. If you can extend that time for a longer, go for it.

01:17:35:23 - 01:18:05:05

Erin Croyle

If it's not necessarily feasible for your lifestyle because you have to work constantly like I do. Shut it all down when you don't have to do those things. Take out the recreational, take out anything that is not a necessity. Even if a detox isn't possible, we can implement things in our day to day lives that can shift the way that we use smartphones and screens and eventually transform it.

01:18:05:07 - 01:18:32:04

Erin Croyle

We're not really made for that. Think about it Having a device that can give you access to anything 24 seven that you can keep in your pocket is not natural, and it takes us away from interacting with people. And I don't mean to sound ableist because I know in some cases those phones or that kind of access is the only way we do interact.

01:18:32:04 - 01:19:01:12

Erin Croyle

So there are differences. And that's what I mean by the benefits of this, right? Nothing is black and white. Everything is gray. But for our own well-being, we need to start limiting our use as much as possible. Really look at the notifications you get and think about if you need them in. Turn off what you don't need. Because every time you get that ping, every time your kid gets a notification that they got a like, it just sets off something.

01:19:01:12 - 01:19:29:13

Erin Croyle

Their brain. It's a distraction. It takes us out of the moment that we're in. We're forever elsewhere. We need to start challenging the expectations that we should always be available. We're not doctors on call. We're not firefighters that need to come in for an emergency unless we are right. But seriously, challenge those expectations, because the more that we do, the more that that will become a norm.

01:19:29:15 - 01:19:57:12

Erin Croyle

Set boundaries and expectations. If you're anything like me, I can't necessarily turn my text and ringer off because I need to be prepared if someone in my life needs me, like my mom or my son or something like that. So I can ask others to please not call or text in these hours. And when I'm awake and I can see my phone, I can turn the volume off, focus on what I'm doing and check my phone when I want to.

01:19:57:16 - 01:20:23:06

Erin Croyle

Instead of having my phone check me and buzz me or vibrate me or whatever and examine your own recreational screen use and cut it down. A lot of us get reports on our phones that tell us how much time we're spending. Really look at those and say, Do I need to do that? I was shocked that I was spending 5 hours a day on my phone and then I saw that most of it was music from playing music in the car or wherever.

01:20:23:08 - 01:20:47:02

Erin Croyle

So I didn't feel so bad. But really think about how much time you're giving to this endless void of social media that is completely pointless. Do you need to be on there or can you actually spend time with the people in your life and reconnect or make a phone call and call a friend? We need to start setting firm boundaries for our children.

01:20:47:04 - 01:21:26:20

Erin Croyle

Their brains are not developed enough to understand what these devices are doing to them. Their phone based life is taking them out of people based living. Think about it. Do our children really need their own tablets? Do they really need their own smartphone? I remember when again, my kids have three kids in diapers. It was so hard and I would occasionally go to a restaurant after like my son's doctor's appointments and take them and just to get through it, I would give one of them a phone and they would share it.

01:21:26:20 - 01:21:47:13

Erin Croyle

And then somehow you get a new phone and you have a phone that is just kind of there. And so I was like, All right, well, I'll try this and let one kid have one phone and two kids share a phone and they started fighting and crying about it at the restaurant. And I realized this is ridiculous. It's not sustainable.

01:21:47:15 - 01:22:16:03

Erin Croyle

It's not okay. They're not learning how to interact at a restaurant. They're not learning how to behave properly. And I took it all the way and they turned it around because they can, because you set expectations. And again, I don't mean to be able to say about that. I do recognize that for some children that environment is difficult and for some parents, they need to get out.

01:22:16:05 - 01:22:53:12

Erin Croyle

And that's the only way. And there's nothing wrong with that. But I'm talking about more generally, if it is possible, I get it. We're in this together. It's hard, but we also need to talk to other parents when we're helping our children. The wait until eight, meaning wait until eighth grade before you give your child a phone is a beautiful movement, but it's going to be really hard for parents to do it unless more parents get on board, because that whole What about or I'm the only one or everyone that me has won and it's really a struggle.

01:22:53:14 - 01:23:15:00

Erin Croyle

So if we could get behind the weight until eight movement and more of us could do that, we will help each other to help our children heal. I would go even a step further. We know how dangerous social media is. Why do we have more flip phones and basic phones for our kids for the 40 and over set?

01:23:15:01 - 01:23:39:01

Erin Croyle

I think most of us remember using pay phones to tell our parents we need them to pick us up. I think it's important that we really rethink this whole everyone needs a phone mentality. What if we started working towards having phones available for students to use so they can call home so they don't have to have a cell phone in school?

01:23:39:03 - 01:24:09:00

Erin Croyle

Why does that need to be a necessity? Why can't there be more communal phones so we can cut out all that excess noise that we know is harming our children? Another important thing that we need to remember is that we are in charge. Adults need to lead. We need to let children know that this might feel like a punishment.

01:24:09:00 - 01:24:33:05

Erin Croyle

This might stink. But guess what? I'm your parent. It's my job to take care of you. It's my job to keep you safe. And even though a phone or watching YouTube feels harmless to you, I know that it's not. And so this is in your best interest. And one day you will understand. For now, you can be mad at me and not like me.

01:24:33:05 - 01:25:02:08

Erin Croyle

And that's fine. We have to do that. We're going to have to accept that our houses are going to be messier. We're going to have to start letting kids go play outside by themselves a little more instead of worrying about sexual predators. Because guess what? Most of the sexual predators aren't at playgrounds. They're online signs. And they know how to reach our kids and manipulate them and groom them online.

01:25:02:10 - 01:25:42:24

Erin Croyle

You're better off sending your kid to the playground than handing them a smartphone and leaving them to their own devices. As consumers, we need to demand better choices. Parental safeguards are so confusing and so complicated that a lot of really smart parents I know have no idea how to set them up. We need to have better options. I cannot tell you how hard it is to find a simple watch that has no games that just allows my children to call or text.

01:25:42:24 - 01:26:23:24

Erin Croyle

And that's it. Maybe music. Why can't there be really simplified basic choices, especially now that we have so much evidence about how dangerous smartphones can be and how hard it is to set up systems that children can't work around. Why don't we take that work out of it and just give them less because they don't need it? Children and teens need to interact and play and talk and be outside and be together and learn how to be human.

01:26:24:01 - 01:26:35:03

Erin Croyle

Consumer voices are powerful, and when we start to demand what we want and need, it will start to be available.

01:26:35:05 - 01:27:19:14

Erin Croyle

We have to demand better of companies to protect our children and stop placing all of the work on us because it is not sustainable. And frankly, it's not possible. We also need to start leading by example. Put your own phone away. Listen to the people around you. It was funny. I was talking to my mom the other day, who's very old school and very wonderful, and she used to always complain several years ago about how my brother's on his phone or so-and-so's on their phone, and people are always on their phone.

01:27:19:16 - 01:27:52:06

Erin Croyle

And now I visit her, which is I get to only do a couple of times a year and guess who's on their phone? My mom. I’ll literally be tr ying to talk to her in the morning and she's on games or on Facebook or whatever. Totally engaged and forever elsewhere. We have to lead by example. We have to be honest with ourselves about how addicting this is, even for grownups.

01:27:52:08 - 01:28:21:19

Erin Croyle

And think about that. Think about how addicting it is for our minds that are fully mature. And then look at our children who are being raised on these devices. They don't know any better. We need to go to the dinner table and not have our phone there. We need to watch a movie and put our phone away. We need to be present whenever possible.

01:28:21:21 - 01:28:47:07

Erin Croyle

You can't demand for your children to do it when you yourself aren't doing it. And look, I get it. It's hard. And taking screens away from our kids is going to make our parenting and our caregiving harder.

We have to work to change societal structures that have adapted shockingly quickly to the 24 seven information overload.

Even gas stations now have screens that start playing when you pump gas. I can't tell you how agitating it is to constantly have noise everywhere. I just think about how intolerant folks are these days to just kids being kids. I can't tell you how often I've gotten looks because my children are happily giddily goofing around in a very controlled way at maybe a waiting room at a doctor's office or at a restaurant.

And they get stares. And it's shocking to me because I want my children to learn how to interact and move. And I think we're just so accustomed to kids just staring at a screen quietly that we forget that people are supposed to be noisy. I think we need to learn how to be bored again. We all talk about mindfulness and meditation.

Well, guess what? Do you remember when we didn't have a phone in our hands all the time? And you can naturally have that just by waiting for the bus. You could take deep breaths. Now we're just on our phones. We're never spending any time, just naturally throughout our day, just being with ourselves. It is constant stimulation and we don't know how to just be.

Instead, we're taking courses and downloading apps to meditate. How about we just put our phones away and go sit somewhere or put some music on and take some breaths and get off the darn phone? I mean, I get it. I love guided meditation every now and then, but I also love not having my phone on. And I find that that is much more calming than a guided meditation will ever be.

But also, I just see the nervous system of my children, the constant need for something, and we need to just turn it off. We need to let people be bored. We need to let people learn how to twiddle their thumbs again, that calming sensation in our brain. It's really hard to find in a world that is constantly, constantly, constantly sending us notifications.

Finally, I think perspective is important. Are we in a mental health crisis? Yes. Is this an emergency? Yeah, absolutely. But we don't have to panic. We can start implementing small steps and supporting each other and working toward making this better. But we have to just start that movement. We can't sit and wait for the perfect plan or the perfect idea.

We can advocate in our own lives. We can advocate for our schools to stop allowing phones. It doesn't have to be black and white. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. We can start moving in the right direction with what we know now and figure it out as we go so we can start helping our children as parents.

We can send our kids outside as communities. We can support that and encourage that. Instead of judging or calling authorities, if you see a kid walking down the street, ask a question and make sure they're okay. Think about the things that are attainable in your inner circle and how you can help others as your circle expands. So if you have children like I do, who have neurodiversity and really need dopamine, and if they're not watching TV, they're going to be getting into some stuff.

Set up a corner that is where they can find all the crafts or all the things they need. Set up towels when they're going to make a water mess and just be prepared. We need to remember what childhood actually looks like. It's not quiet and clean. It's chaotic and loud and messy, and we need to allow for that because that's how children learn.

Siblings do argue. There is yelling. There is crying. There's laughing. There's noise. Let it be messy. Send them outside. Set up what works in your house. Take away devices if possible. If not, explore upgrading your router so you can monitor through there. So if your child has to do homework on a Chromebook and you don't want them up at midnight on YouTube, there are workarounds that can help you think about getting a landline back in your house and letting your kids use that to call each other and arrange to meet up.

Set a list of phone numbers on your refrigerator so they can actually call and get in touch. We really don't know where they're going online. I would rather know that they're at the playground or even at the corner store. Getting a bunch of candy would be better for them than spending hours in the endless void of garbage that they can find online.

Open up the dialog about how social media impacts them. Talk about the research that's out there and why you're concerned. It's not going to be easy to make these changes, but in the long run it will be worth it. We really have a chance to turn this around for the next generations and for ourselves. It's amazing how much better you feel in a matter of time.

The less time we spend online, the more time we have to actually be with each other, the more time we have to move and get fresh air and experience life. The better you feel. In general, it improves our entire quality of life. To just be present in our minds and be available to those around us in a way that's not constantly interrupted, forcing us to be forever elsewhere.

Thank you for listening. Please rate review, share and subscribe and tell me your detox goes. I'd love to follow up on this episode and hear from others who are bucking this new norm and trying to cut back on the screen use in their lives. I've also got plenty of other stuff coming up in the coming months. This is The Odyssey.

Parenting, Caregiving, Disability. I'm Erin Croyle. We'll talk soon.