That's What She Said: a tool for regulating by telling yourself a better story w/ Jenna & Aaron

Marriage Lab

In this episode, we review a tool Jenna created (and Aaron named) called That's What She Said. It's a tool for when you're dysregulated because of something your spouse said. Wives, feel free to change it to That's What He Said. Aaron shares how he used this tool a couple times recently around their sex life. You can do this by yourself (self-regulating) or with another person (co-regulating). Here is the gist of the tool.

1. Write down what he/she actually said (the literal words).
2. Write down what you heard them say. This is commonly referred to as the story we are telling ourselves.
3. Write down a different story that casts the other person in a positive light, giving them the benefit of the doubt and thinking the best of what they actually meant. If the literal words are unkind such as "You are the worst," then the story you are going to tell yourself in this step is how those words really aren't about you but are about pain they are experiencing.

The point of this exercise is to recognize when we are dysregulated not because of what they said but because of our imaginary ability to read someone's mind and determine their motives and hidden messages. We all think we're really good at this and some Christians may even label this as "discernment." However, the fruit of this "knowing" of ours is so full of disconnection, that we have an opportunity to question our stories and to write better ones.
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