Are You a People Pleaser? Stop Walking on Eggshells NOW!

But Still, She Thrives - Narcissistic Abuse, Toxic Relationships, Grey Rock Method, Healthy Boundaries, Childhood Abuse, Trauma Healing

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This week we talk about How to Help Heal Anxiety and Fear After Narcissistic Abuse

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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

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Speaker 1: (00:00)
Hello. Hello. Today's episode's gonna be a little more casual, a little unplanned, a little cross your fingers. Let's hope something good comes out of this. Just kidding. Stay tuned. We're gonna dive into walking on eggshells.
Speaker 1: (00:16)
Hey Queens, welcome to, but Still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace.
Speaker 1: (01:14)
So this is something I definitely went through with the narcissist in my life and every client I've had, every person I've had reach out. This tends to be something we all have in common, that with the narcissist, you are basically trained to have to walk on eggshells. Why? I don't know. Because the, the more you may go against them or not agree with them or just do what you want to do, the worse the consequences are, whether that's emotional, physical, whatever type of abuse. And this honestly could go for any type of a abuse, not just narcissistic abuse, but especially with narcissists. Man, it is their way or the highway. And we learn that we have to sacrifice our own wants, our own needs in order to placate them. I grew up pretty scared of somebody in my life. I grew up, I'll be honest, terrified because I was scared if I said the wrong thing made the wrong move, that person would explode.
Speaker 1: (02:25)
And it was a very scary experience. Every day I had to walk around on eggshells, right? That's a saying, walking on eggshells. And this was all, I honestly knew. I didn't realize the severity of how it would impact my entire life moving forward, even after I wasn't in this narcissist life anymore. So today we're gonna talk about how to change your mindset because it's not just kind of like, oh, here's a tip to not have to walk on eggshells, right? Like it's a whole mindset shift. So I thought, let's dig into it. I don't, like I said, I don't really have bullet points here, but I'm just gonna talk about my experience, what helped me and it, I'm so passionate about this. I may do another episode on it, but I just wanted to just have, have like a heart to heart with you guys about this because this is, something comes up, like I said, my clients are like, oh, I have to walk on eggshells.
Speaker 1: (03:21)
And then it bleeds into our lives. So when we are even out of the relationship, whether it's someone in your childhood, whether it's a romantic situation, you have really been conditioned to sacrifice your wants and needs. And we have these fears built in now of upsetting the narcissist. Yes. But it bleeds into our life of we now are often afraid of conflict. In my experience, I will say this, I'm a bold, fierce lady, okay? I've always had a stronger personality. So for me, this showed up just with a certain type of personality. I had no trouble with certain people saying, Hey, this is how I feel. But it was only people I felt safe with. The thing is, when you have grown up and are around narcissists, there can be a likelihood that you will attract and be comfortable with selfish people or people who are their way or the highway, because you are used to that personality, right?
Speaker 1: (04:26)
So we, and we're empathetic, right? A lot of narcissists will pick the empathetic, sensitive, I know how to pull your heartstrings type people so we can attract those people in our lives, right? It's not our fault. We're freaking awesome, but it, it can be a thing. So shining a light on the knowledge that you are afraid of having conflict, maybe it's only with certain type of people or certain personalities. A looking at that and saying, I know why I'm like that and I want to change that is like a first step, wanting to change something, like realizing it. I didn't realize it until I was out of the situation and was like, wow, I thought I was so fierce and bold, but let me look at my relationships with this person, this person, this person. There was some people in my life that I was really afraid and got that visceral reaction of nervousness to bring anything up to them.
Speaker 1: (05:24)
Whether it was just a dim difference in opinion, or if they said, we're going here at 10 o'clock, and I was like, man, I, I really wanna go at 12 cuz X, Y, z. I'd be afraid to say that because I knew I would get quote punished, right? Narcissist or selfish. People can often controlling people, I'll say, can often punish us for not doing exactly what they want, when they want, right? So that happened with a friend of mine where we were supposed to go somewhere. Let's say it was 11. She called the morning of and said, Hey, can we go an hour earlier? And I said, oh, we won't be ready by then. I, I think we had to drive, we weren't living in town something. There was something there where I was like, there, there's no way we could get there. And she said, oh, well then I'll just take my other friend.
Speaker 1: (06:11)
And those, those are signs of people that honestly they're not for me. We can all choose our own friends, but that is a personality I don't want. It was almost like, well if it's not convenient for me anymore, she last minute changed the time. And then because I couldn't do that kind of quote, punished me, I look at it, at it as it ended up being a punishment here, I had told my daughter we were going on this trip with them and then she canceled, right? Same thing happened with a friend we were supposed to go on a trip with. I told my daughter it was to Disney and then she said Nevermind. She was gonna invite her neighbors that were closer in age because it wouldn't be fun to have my daughter who is a little younger, two years and five years I think younger than her kids to do that.
Speaker 1: (07:01)
Like it wouldn't be as fun or convenient basically. And that I was, I was really upset by that. And this is, these are just examples of things for me that I'm just not here for anymore. This, these are people that are looking out for themselves. I'm not saying this particular person was a narcissist. I'm just saying when we are used to narcissistic people, we are used to selfish people. We're used to people that wanna do what's good for them and don't really compromise all of that sort of thing, right? So here comes the mindset shift. This is like these people, these types of people. When you get that reaction, when you feel like you are afraid to bring something up and it's strong, it might be the person that you're dealing with, right? It might be this isn't a great person to be in your life if you feel like they're gonna have a big reaction or punish you for having a different mindset or a different idea or not being able to do exactly what they want.
Speaker 1: (08:01)
On the other hand, if you're straight out of an narcissistic situation, you may have fears all together about upsetting anybody because you're just so used to that, right? So you do have to kind of discern the difference. But this is where you will have to push yourself a little. This is where the work comes in, right? We talk about the work of healing. This is an example when you feel that nervousness, especially if it's not the strong one you might get with certain personalities, but let's say it's with someone you like and know and trust, but you're like, I don't wanna cause a problem, right? This is where you do have to push yourself. And there are ways to say things nicely out of love where you can have these conversations like, you know, setting boundaries, bringing things up that you know, maybe someone has done something and you wanna bring it up.
Speaker 1: (08:53)
You can bring it up in a gentle way. Here is where the mindset shift is, okay? You have to know the people that are on your team, the people that want the best for you, they are going to have a healthy conversation with you. And that's what I don't think I realized because I had grown up with some unhealthy people in my life where conversations weren't healthy. So I didn't really know that existed till later in life, right? Like my husband is a prime example of somebody who can have a very healthy conversation. Will people get defensive? We're human. Yes. But there's a difference between getting like a little defensive right away if you bring something up cuz no one wants to hear like, oh this thing bothered me. Of course it doesn't feel good, but it's like, oh okay. They might, you know, seem a little taken aback, but it's what they do with that and how they handle it.
Speaker 1: (09:47)
And I'm telling you, there are great amazing people in the world that can have healthy conversations. I think when we've gone through abuse, when we had certain people around us in our lives, it's kind of like, that's all we know. And for me, that's what I believed was out there. And there was a whole idea of, oh well I've known this person for so long, so, and that's just them like excusing it. I will be honest, when I cut the narcissist out of my life, it was a total shift for me because I realized how much better I felt in my body. I wasn't scared anymore. I wasn't walking on eggshells. I had peace that I had never felt in my entire life. And I was like, I want more of this feeling. And I started to see there were a few other people in my life that were causing me that same feeling of feeling scared, of feeling like I have to walk on eggshells.
Speaker 1: (10:46)
And I was like, homey, don't wanna play that anymore. So homey didn't play that anymore. Was that a hard thing to do? Yes. I I, I don't recommend doing it all in the same day or anything, but um, having conversations about this, bringing this up, it will highlight who is a healthy individual and who is not. And if someone has a really bad reaction, it just gets worse and worse. That's not a fit for me, queen. It's not a fit for you either. It shouldn't be cuz you are here on my podcast because you want peace and you want freedom when you have to tiptoe or walk on eggshells around friends, family, romantic partner because you are afraid of their reactions that shows you do not have the right people in your life. And if it's a thing where you're just nervous about making anyone upset, that, like I said, you have to push yourself to have these conversations and do it anyway to see the response and then you evaluate from there.
Speaker 1: (11:50)
And you know, there are people out there. I'm telling you on the other end of this, I have a, a whole new set of friends and uh, I still have a lot of old friends. It wasn't like I had all horrible friends or anything. Um, but I do, I have new friends that I met later in my life in the last five, six years even, um, that are so uplifting that don't talk, people that don't gossip that I am not afraid to have a conversation with. We've had tough conversations. Sometimes we might say, oh, they might bring something up to me. I might bring something up to them. It's not often cuz we're all awesome queens and I'm just kidding. But if something comes up, it's like I'm not afraid and they're not afraid. We just talk to each other about it and move on.
Speaker 1: (12:38)
You know, it seems like what it should be. But I didn't really know that existed until later in life, especially with like close friends, right? I kind of thought, oh, you're close, you're gonna have problems. There's gonna be drama. I have had, I would what? I would not categorize any of my things with friends as drama. I don't have drama in my life like that anymore. And I used to, I used to have friend drama until I, I cut 'em all out. Um, because, and it, it sounds cold and I get that because now I'm on the other end of it. I will tell you, it was devastating to me even to have to cut people outta my life that I had been friends with for, oh gosh, half my life in some cases. But it just wasn't working anymore. It was devastating. You know, I'm human.
Speaker 1: (13:27)
I did shed a tear or two over some relationships. It's still a loss, but no, it's scarier than like getting a bad response from somebody or like being so afraid in those moments. Now it's scarier to me to not have my peace. And it's like once you have this sort of, this level of peace in your life, I'm terrified to not have it. You know? It's like, so I get to control that now. And you get to too, I get to decide who is allowed in my space. I get to decide who I spend my time with, you know? And it, it's become a lot more clear to me and I listen to my body, you know, all of this yoga, meditation, this really helps you get more in tuned with your body. And if you listen to your body, it's gonna tell you if somebody is good for you in your life or not.
Speaker 1: (14:20)
You know, e I can think even when I was dating a not so great guy back in the day, in my twenties, my body told me all the time, but I just ignored it. I'm like, but I love him, right? The good times are so good. But overall I was, I, I wasn't comfortable. I didn't feel good overall. I felt like I was walking on eggshells at time trying to get more like approval or something. It was just like not healthy at all. So you have to listen to your body and if you're walking on eggshells with everybody, you know, you should get therapy. You could or you could work with me. We can work on that stuff. That's something that is something you can fix, right? I have worked with clients working through that, just that they have low self-esteem or they feel like they have to prove their worth or they're scared because of their past situations.
Speaker 1: (15:17)
We can work through that. But again, if you're brave enough, you can start those conversations. You can have gentle conversations where you may say, you know, I'm changing. And I like, for example, I had a friend and I felt like she wasn't being so nice raising her voice at me, stuff like that. And I had changed and I don't accept people yelling at me anymore, right? Like I did my whole life until a few years ago. So I said, I really, I just, I don't wanna be talked down to or yelled at. And she had said, well, I can't help it. And that was kind of the beginning of the end there. A little more happened. But it was this light bulb in my head of like, that sucks. And maybe she can't, but that doesn't mean I have to take it. It's something I have decided I don't want in my life.
Speaker 1: (16:08)
I can't brush off being yelled at. I went through my life being yelled at and I just, I want peace, I want calm, I want, I mean peace. That's like the best word to describe it. You get to decide that and you have to know you're worth it and that it's out there. So there's two factors. It's building up your self-confidence and your self-worth of like, I know I deserve better. I know I deserve friends that make me feel good and don't make me feel scared and like I have to walk on eggshells or I know I deserve a partner that treats me well and can have healthy conversations. And then there's the aspect of, you know, pushing yourself. And yes, you may have to have hard conversations and you may distance relationships or you may disconnect completely from people. But again, for me on the other side, I can tell you it is so much scarier to stay in those relationships and have to walk on eggshells then to imagine my life now without the peace I have.
Speaker 1: (17:05)
Ugh, peace is, peace is underrated, man. No, it's just when you have peace, your whole, your whole body changes, your, your whole life changes. When you get to having this level of peace, it's, it's like blissful. Is there that happens? Yes. My life is not perfect. I have problems like anybody else. Things come up, external things that I can't control happen. But you have such a different perspective and my stress level is so much less than when I lived in that constant fear on top of everything else that goes on in the world, right? Like there's already enough out there guys. We don't need to add a layer of always feeling like we're afraid to do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing or upset somebody. Here's another news flash. We can't please everybody. We can't make everybody happy. We can't save everybody and we're not going to be able to make everyone happy all the time.
Speaker 1: (18:00)
And we may upset people, we may hurt people like it's human. And if we do be accountable, apologize, have a healthy conversation, do better the next time we're growing. So you can't be perfect and living in fear is the worst way to live. It's just the worst way. So that's, that's kind of, I guess my ramble today. It was pretty rambly. But welcome to me. And I want you guys though to really understand that mindset of like, I deserve better and I know more is out there. And, and if you're not there yet, try to believe that. Put that into your affirmations every day. I know there are healthy people that would love to be in my life. I'm gonna surround myself with healthy, uplifting people, those type of affirmations every single day. And watch this, this works. I did it . So I don't know, I just really felt it on my heart to share this message today.
Speaker 1: (18:52)
I hope it helps you. I hope it gives you a little bit of faith. Sometimes it helps to see someone on the other side. I can vouch there are amazing people and it's only because I dropped out the people that were stifling me and opened my world up and like opening up and making space for people that were uplifting and are healthier for me. And I cannot tell you the joy and the peace it has brought me. And I want that for all of you guys. So anyway, we will see you in the next episode and let's end with some affirmations. Maybe we'll do a little bit of, uh, I am deserving of healthy relationships. Now you say it. And I am full of joy and peace.
Speaker 1: (19:44)
And of course we'll end with I am a queen, a queen of peace, right? All right, I will see you in the next episode. And don't forget, today is the last day to sign up. Actually, I'll extend it to Friday tomorrow, just in case you hear this a little later. You're on the other side of the world or something. But I will extend it through Friday. But it is the last time I will be offering my special pricing on a one-on-one coaching session and my blueprint for the journey to piece program. It is only $97 down from 200. It will not go this low again. So I wanna throw that out there if you're looking to work with me in some capacity, definitely you wanna sign up for this. I will put the link in my show notes, a k, a podcast description. So go check it out. Join, I'd love to help you and work with you. Have a beautiful day.