The Apt Cods Podcast: The Cow Story

The Apt Cods Podcast

Benjamin: There was a cow. The cow was white with black spots. His name was Charlie. And one day, a farmer came, and he fed the cow.

Mary: And Charlie's babies came out. And the farmer took all the cows out to the pasture to graze. Then they walked too far and crossed too many streets and they found themselves at a place where there was lots and lots of sand and lots of water. Brown, murky, muddy water. The cows liked it a lot. And they pooped all over the place. Then the cows started walking into the water. They found out that this was a very bad idea, because there was a shark in the water. That was why the beach was deserted.

"ROAR! CHOMP! CHOMP!" Those were the sounds the shark made as it ate the mommy cow. Then the shark spit her out because he didn't like her. The calves' names were Johnny and Sunny.

Emma: Johnny liked mysteries. Sunny liked friendly things. They started walking into the water and they met a turtle. They said, "Hi! How are you? What is your name?" and the turtle said, "My name is Flubbergust. What are your names?"

"My name is Johnny, and my name is Sunny, and my name is Charlie!"

"Wow!" said Flubbergust, "Would you like to ride on my back for awhile?"

"Yes!" said Johnny and Sunny together, and they got up on the turtle's back. But they couldn't fit.

Mary: So they had to leave Charlie in the water to die--I mean, to swim back to the shore. Meanwhile, Johnny and Sunny rode on the turtle's back all the way to an island in the middle of the ocean. The island had a bunch of palm trees on it, and there was no sign of civilization anywhere. And there was plenty of grass to graze and plenty of room to litter with poop.

Benjamin: There was no way to go back home. It was lonely. There's a zebra far away, you know. They had to walk over there.

Mary: When they finally reached the zebras, they were amazed at how the herd could be wild. There was not a person in sight! The zebras were eating black plants. All the plants were flowers and leaves and grass but they were all black. The cows thought this was the dullest thing since cornmeal. They couldn't understand how these zebras could be able to stand such dull stuff. But since they were over there and they were pretty hungry, they decided to try some anyway. They stepped over to where the flowers and leaves were and chewed a few. It was rather interesting--it wasn't very interesting, it tasted like ashes! They just couldn't eat it. But they tried and tried, to be polite, and finally, they got it down.

And in a matter of seconds, the cows suddenly had black stripes on them! The cows were turning into zebras because they had eaten the zebra's food! This was horrible! They suddenly realized that these zebras weren't all zebras. They probably used to be any other animal that was stranded on this island. They had to find a way to free them!

Suddenly a lion came up and talked to them. The lion said if they could find the green fire, then the zebras would turn back into their normal shapes, and the zebra plant would forever be destroyed. They asked for further information, but the lion disappeared.

Emma: Well, the cows decided that they must find the green fire. So they started looking for it!

They looked in bushes, and under rocks, and inside hollow trees. But it was nowhere to be seen.

Benjamin: And then, they looked in the jungle, and they fou--

Mary: and they didn't find it. Johnny remembered that the lion said that they could only see the green fire if they were zebras. So they ate some more zebra plant, and then finally they were zebras instead of cows. But they were still cows inside, so they couldn't see the green fire.

So they looked for the big herd of zebras to see if any of them were true zebras.

The herd was consisting of exactly 3,475,333,675,432 zebras. And not all of them were true zebras, but they thought that some of them might be. So they went around asking all of the zebras if they were true zebras. All of the zebras said yes, although they didn't have time to ask all of them. They asked each zebra they could see, and each one said, "Yes." And when they asked about the green fire, they had no idea what it was.

The cows (which were now zebras) were a little hungrier now, and so they ate some more of the plant. All the sudden, the cows (who were now zebras) weren't cows anymore. Not even inside. They became true zebras. They thought they were zebras, they were zebras because they looked like them. And they didn't know their names, or that they were really cows. They didn't remember anything from their life as cows. They became true zebras.

One day all of the zebras were grazing on the zebra grass. None of them had any taste buds anymore from eating all that dull stuff. And it was black, remember. One day, they all saw this big, huge, grizzly bear. It was about 50,000,000 feet tall. Really! It was!

All of the zebras ran away from him because it was too big for them to get. But then they ran back, and fought it, because they thought that if they all stood in a circle, and struck it at the same time then maybe they could eventually kill it. And that's exactly what they did.

They kicked at the bear all at once every 5 seconds at the signal of one of the zebras who was obviously the leader of this particular battle.

And after a while, the bear fell down, and, guess what happened. I don't know! He died, I guess.

And the zebras were very happy. Oh yeah, the bear died. And the zebras were very very, very very, happy about this. Suddenly, the bear disappeared, and, in its place, was, were, green flames of fire.

The fire spread, and burned allllllllllllllllllllllllll the zebra grass, until the island was just charred, smoking, land. Amazingly, the green fire did not harm the zebras that were there.

The lion came. He talked to the zebras. He said that the zebras showed bravery against their enemy. They were to be rewarded by getting back into their original forms. The zebras did not understand this because they could not remember their past. But just as soon as the lion finished talking, the island became green. It had never been green before. Never.

The zebras were excited that there was now food on the island and they wouldn't starve. They began munching the sweet, juicy grass. It was very nice compared to the old, dull zebra grass. They ate and ate and ate until they didn't get full! They just ate and ate and ate!

And the zebras began to turn back into their original selves. Johnny and Sunny turned back into cows. Most of the zebras turned back into turtles. Some of the zebras didn't change at all, but their black stripes changed into rainbow colors, and the zebras became very beautiful. One zebra turned into a girl. She was about 15 years old. She had brown hair and green eyes. Her name was Alina.

The cows got on one of the turtles' backs and rode home with Alina. When they got to the farmer's house, the farmer was surprised to see his daughter leading to of his missing cows to their farm.

Later Charlie came back from wandering along the shore looking for a way home.

And Alina and her family lived happily ever after.

Oh yes, and, as for the cows, they didn't send them away to get slaughtered. They just kept them until they died.

The End