13: My baby number 3

Every Mother Matters With Sharon Ow

Transcript for Ep13:
Welcome to Every Mother Matters. I’m Sharon and in this episode, I will be sharing with you my thoughts on baby #3

After my 2nd birth, Baby #3 is always in my mind. However, it was always on hold because my purpose then was to reach out to the new mothers. To achieve that, I attended pre and postnatal massage courses because it was the easiest way to achieve my aim. It was at that point in time that I really made a decision to totally give up accountancy and not to go back to an office job. For the past 10 years, I attended many courses while doing mummy baby work.

Friends told me “Sharon, you have enough training.” and they did not understand why I was always taking courses. But I felt that there were some doubts inside me that kept me searching for an answer. It was part of my postnatal recovery and healing to know what I needed to know to overcome and accept the past. My postnatal was the toughest and I was in search of an answer.

My husband scolded me TRASH and said that I did not know how to take care of our baby. I felt misunderstood, depressed and angry. Mother knows best. I truthfully agree. But how can a mother know best when there is so much separation of mother n baby from day 1 after the baby is born and especially if everyone is out of a sudden so crazy over the newborn baby and wanted to carry the baby instead of letting the mother and the baby together.

In my newborn preparation course, I always explain by quoting simple examples for parents to understand. How can 2 people get to know each other better?

Ok, so, you like someone and at first you need to find excuses to meet the person. Say, oh I passed by here, just drop by to say hi to you. “How are you? Have you eaten?” “ok, bye, see you.”

Then both of you meet more regularly, say weekly then daily until both of you decide to get married to live together and share the same room and same bed.

It is the physical presence that a person can get to know another person. So how can we expect a new mother to know best if the baby is sleeping alone in a separate and dark room by himself. In the first place, do you feel safe sleeping alone in a dark room? Then, we expect a new mother to know best when a newborn baby sleeps long and deep in a dark room alone.

While a mother knows best, the mother's recovery after childbirth is important. Is her wishes acknowledged and respected? Does she feel nurtured and supported?

My postnatal recovery took me years.

I also did overnight newborn baby care for new mummies who needed extra help. After gaining experiences with babies, I further my training in postnatal care for mummy and physiologic baby care. Many of my doubts in postnatal health of women and baby behaviours were all answered in these courses. The training was very in depth and detailed. By this time, I have confident that I know how to take care of myself and my newborn baby if I have baby #3. It feels very different this time round. I know what to expect for a newborn baby who requires a 24 hours round the clock care. I know exactly what to do and how to do things right this time.

I am full of baby energy and hoping for baby #3 whenever my old or new clients or friends tell me that they are pregnant. I am more than ready for another baby now.

I went to a fortune teller, just a few steps away from my shop for some insight. When he first looked at my birth year, he said that to increase the chances of conceiving was to do IVF and easier to opt for cesarean. That was not my option at all. He is famous, very experienced, fast and accurate in his interpretation. The consultation was S$18. Then he said that based on my bazi, which is my birth date and time, these 2 years are not favourable for me to conceive. Later he added that I can try to have baby #3 because based on my bazhi calculation, I have 3 kids. He also asked if I ever had miscarriage before.

Many years back, I went to another fortune teller and he said I have 3 kids. I will have a son before age 40 and after the age of 40, I will have daughters.

Things change slightly now and I believe we control our own destiny.

Now the new fortune teller told me that I will have 2 boys and 1 girl and my kids are smart kids. I already have a son and a daughter. I think my daughter is smart but I am yet to see the potential of my son. I am not sure if he is smart but perhaps time will tell.

My husband did not believe in fortune telling. Before we got married, I suggested that we match our birth dates to see if we were compatible but he did not want to do it. So, I did not tell them about the fact that I went to a fortune teller regarding baby #3.

My husband is 7 years my senior. Initially when I said I feel very lonely and alone sometimes and wished to have baby #3, he objected because of our age concern.

I told him that if I am really pregnant, then we can say that it is an accident, unplanned pregnancy so that it will not sound too crazy to have baby #3 eight years after my 2nd birth.

White lies are ok in some situations. I remembered my husband told his family that we dated for 1.5 years before we got married so that it made more senses. But in actual fact, we only went out a few times and within a month I was the one who suggested that we got married soon.

Better to tell white lies than telling the truth to see how others would raise their eyebrow and drop their jaw and eyes in shock.

I will only try to conceive naturally. Now I know which hospital and gnae to go to. What type of birth experience I want. My baby #3 name will be Owen regardless of whether it is a boy or girl. Because Owen in chinese has my surname in it. It is very important not to separate the mummy and baby especially in the first few years. Ideally is up to 7 years old which marks a big milestone in a child development. So Owen is mine. No one can separate or take away Owen from me. I experienced very serious separation anxiety with my first baby boy. The only way to calm myself down was to place my baby on my chest. I have dream of what the child would become. How can the child keep me accompanied in the first few years. I am able to keep the child close to me because I can bring the child to my shop. I know exactly what I want to do. I will seek advice from the same fortune teller to name this child and to know what is the best potential of the child.

Key Learnings:-

If you have a wish, just do it. At least I tried and I have no regrets.

Many clients ask me how to choose gnae, which hospital is good, recommendation for confinement nanny, use epidural or not, cesarean or natural birth. I also teach in my newborn preparation course regarding these concerns.

It is not about the gnae, hospital, midwife, birth doula or whatever. First thing first. Figure out what you want first then see who can give you the type of support you want for your birth experience. Individual need to work out what is your belief system in terms of birth, labour pain, drug used during the birth n all those stuffs.

Conclusion

If a woman's wish is respected and she can birth her baby her way, then she will be so empowered that there is nothing in...