Now Testament: Joshua Cheng

Church for LGBT - Open Table MCC - Philippines

When Pastor Joseph first approached me to do a testimonial preaching and share about my life and faith, my initial reaction was, “Meron bang matutunan sa story ko? Parang wala naman.”

But let me try to summarize and unpack my 34 years of existence and see if there is anything that can be learned from it while keeping it as organized and as concise as possible.

Before becoming a part of Open Table MCC, I would describe my life as tumultuous.

Growing up in a family of mostly boys, I already knew that I was different from my brothers. I had more effeminate inclinations, and I would strut in front of our helpers like a fashion model for their amusement. When people would take my picture, I would pose proudly with my hand on my hips. This was met with some frowns from my brothers, who didn’t want me to be that way. I was banned from watching shows like Sailor Moon. But that didn’t stop the magical girl in me from enjoying shows like Jem and the Holograms and Akazukin Cha Cha. My closest friends growing up were mostly girls. The rough and tumble of boys didn’t appeal to me. As a young child, I would be labeled as “malamya”, soft, pabebe. Maybe it comes with being the bunso. But that didn’t necessarily mean that I was homosexual, right? Or so I thought.

My family went to an Evangelical bible-believing church. I remembered enjoying going to Sunday School. One Sunday, my punishment for not finishing my breakfast was not being allowed to go to church. And I cried after my mother. Perhaps my enjoyment ended on that day. But I grew up in that church community. So, it wasn’t long before I learned that homosexuality was labeled as a sin. At the time, I didn’t identify as one, so I didn’t think much of it. But it wasn’t long before puberty hit where I found out that the clobber verses applied to me as well.

I think it was around high school when I started noticing my attraction towards boys. And at the time, it felt like the worst thing that could ever happen to me. What followed was a cycle of shame, guilt, and praying for forgiveness, then repeat. I think the first person I ever spoke to about my “struggle” was my small group leader. In 2005 when I was about 15 years old, I attended our church’s encounter weekend. I confessed to him that I was struggling with “gender confusion”, and he prayed for me. He would check up on me every now and then. But he didn’t really know how to deal with it. I don’t think anyone knew how to deal with it at the time. Eventually, the term changed to “same sex attraction”.

It was around college when my internalized homophobia reached its peak. I found an ex-gay ministry based in Makati. There, I met Christians who were trying to deal with their unwanted same sex attraction. It sounds silly now, but it made so much sense to me at the time. It felt like my only choice. It wasn’t long before I realized that most of them didn’t lose their attractions. They just dealt with their behaviors. It was like Alcoholics Anonymous but for gay people. We would sit in different groups and talk about our struggles, answering a series of questions like “Did you lust about a member of the same sex? Did you indulge in internet pornography? Did you masturbate? And lastly, did you lie to the group?”

This was my first exposure to a queer community. But there was just one issue: Most of the attendees at the time were people who had “lived the lifestyle” and were turning away from it. Prior to that, I had absolutely no experience. When I shared this concern with someone, they told me to experience it so I know what I’m turning away from, and I wouldn’t have any regrets. So, I did. And I never looked back.

What followed was a series of explorations, hookups and a few serious relationships. Some led to heartbreaks which would cause me to seek an outlet for my pain. One of my outlets was theater. After my 3^rd “breakup” (where I was basically ghosted a day after we became official), I attended a theater workshop and discovered my passion for theater. Then, I auditioned and was accepted for a Christian theater company, where I performed for a year.

On one hand, I was serving God through theater. But on the other hand, I was actively exploring the boundaries of my sexuality. Sounds like split level Christianity on paper. Being gay in the theater industry is kind of like an open secret. I wasn’t very open with mine, however. Only a few close people knew.

While I was going through my relationships, I’ve experienced being cheated on. And I have also done the same to others. My 6^th serious relationship was with someone I met in the Christian theater company that I mentioned. After about a year of being together, I decided to end things with him and confessed to him that I have cheated on him several times. And I was already seeing someone else. I will admit and own up to my mistakes. But this led to some devastating consequences, which I will expound on later.

On my 7^th relationship, I met someone who had plans to leave and move to a different country after a year. So, I knew that it probably wasn’t going to last. Nevertheless, I was extremely infatuated with this person, and I wanted to pursue him and see if we can make it work. I also felt compelled to be a better person. Knowing my tendencies to cheat, I sought therapy for my behavior. But after about 6 months, I met someone else who tested my resolve and who wasn’t going to leave the country. One thing led to another, and I was already emotionally cheating with this other person. To add to the drama, I was confronted by the leader of my former Christian theater company.

I don’t know exactly if I was outed by my ex. But after a few months of breaking up with him, I received a phone call from the leader of the Christian theater company with a very concerned voice expressing dismay over my chosen lifestyle. Suffice it to say that it was a very uncomfortable conversation which led to the leader praying for me as we ended the call. At the time, I felt vulnerable and that any time, my Christian community and subsequently my home church would disown me. I also felt that my life and subsequent choices were leading me down a spiral. I didn’t like the person that I was becoming. This led me to seek MCC.

I already knew about the Metropolitan Community Church from several years prior. I first heard about it on an interview with Karen Davila and the former pastor. At first, I felt amused and was interested to attend. However, I was discouraged from attending at the time for fear that the doctrine may not be sound. After all, how could homosexuality be accepted in a Bible believing church?

But when I felt compelled to seek an affirming community, I set my doubts aside and sent my first message to the Facebook page of Open Table MCC: “Hi! I would like to visit your church. I’ve had the urge to attend your church for a long time but couldn’t get around to doing so. Lately, I’ve been facing some persecution; and the struggle between my faith and sexuality has been put in the forefront. I would also like to seek counseling to help me become a better person, the kind God wants me to be.”

Then on September 30, 2018, I attended my first service in NCCP.

My first impression was that it was a very small community of about 5 to 6 people. At the time, there was no sermon, but only a holy conversation and a series of guide questions being answered by the group. It was more like the kamustahan of Community Connect that we have now. Then, we would form pairs and share our prayer requests with one another.

I felt at the time that the group was struggling to maintain its attendance. Nevertheless, I believed that it was the only community where I could seek answers to my questions: If homosexuality is not a sin, what is? Tackling the concept of consent, monogamy and faithfulness, how can I be a good gay Christian?

At the end of the service, I had a talk with Pastor Joseph and I asked him a few questions. What I remembered was his explanation on the importance of mutual consent and covenant agreement between partners. Whether monogamous or otherwise, what makes something sinful and an offense is the breaking of the trust, the consent, and the covenant with a partner.

Despite its small number, I continued to attend Open Table MCC because I believed in its potential to be a safe and affirming community for people like me. I wasn’t aware at the time of the many struggles that the church has faced. But I was only focused on looking at what would come next.

After attending for a few months (we already moved to Alfonso de Oro building), I became more comfortable with reconciling my faith with my sexuality. I made my parents watch a movie with me called Prayers for Bobby that mentioned MCC. After the movie, I told my parents that I have accepted my sexuality as part of my identity and hoped that they would do the same. My father was already accepting of me, but my mother still had her reservations being strongly rooted in what the Evangelical church taught her to believe. I told them that I was attending Open Table MCC and that I was in a committed long-distance relationship. Prior to that, I would tell my mom that I would meet some “theater friends” every Sunday afternoon.

So every Sunday morning, I would continue to attend my home church with my mom as my way of appeasing her, and so she wouldn’t question me when I would go to MCC in the afternoon. At first, whenever I told her that I would be going to MCC, I would be met with a furrowed brow. Almost like her saying, “Why do you feel the need to go to that church?” Over time, she stopped questioning me.

What I appreciate about MCC is its supportive and nurturing environment. We are not perfect, but we do our best to be a safe and affirming space for each other. I recall moments when we would celebrate each other’s wins at Wendy’s after service, whether it’s finding a new job, a successful booking, or coming out to our families. We would also share struggles and seek advice. I was in a long-distance relationship with my ex at the time, and it was definitely a struggle for me to maintain. It was through dialogue and conversations with other members I gained the insight and resolve to end my LDR of 4 years.

Through MCC, I also gained the courage to march for the first time during the Metro Manila Pride March in Marikina in 2019.

Today, it has been 6 years since I joined Open Table MCC. I stayed because I believe in its mission to maintain a safe space for LGBTQIA+ individuals seeking to pursue their faith without being judged for how they identify or who they are attracted to.

So did my home church ever disown me? No. Not yet anyway. From time to time, I would still serve, sing praise and worship and lead the choir in my home church. Maybe after today, they would find out and eventually confront and excommunicate me. If they did that, I think I would be fine. I would probably welcome the opportunity to have more free time every Sunday and focus my energies on what I truly believe is aligned with my purpose in life.

Our series also begs the question: Where is God, Jesus Christ, and the Gospel in my story? It’s a difficult question because most of us were taught that when we say God, Jesus, and the Gospel, we always refer to the Bible, especially coming from my evangelical church. But it is also here in MCC that I discovered that God is present in my life even when sometimes I do question it, especially during those difficult and painful times. Where is God in my story? Perhaps God was watching me with joy and glee through the eyes and smiles of our maids who watched me walk the runway as a child. Perhaps God was the loving father who accepted me as his gay son after watching a gay film. Perhaps God was in theater acting as me and acting with me. Perhaps God was also in the middle of my questions and struggles. That Jesus was there in the flesh was when 5 to 6 people struggled to continue a church so that someone like me, a seeker, can come and ask my questions on one ordinary Sunday of September 30, 2018. I do not know how my life would have turned out if there was no MCC back then. I could have returned to my church or that other ex-gay ministry and continue to live a disjointed or split life. Come to think of it, such a split life was and is very destructive to one’s mental health and spirit. Perhaps, Jesus was in the flesh of Pastor Joseph answering my questions about sexuality and relationships. And Jesus was in the flesh of every other friend that I have made in MCC like Kuya Mike, Choi, Dandy, Chris, Ralph, Sean, Jack, Kuya Vince, and many others who listened to me and to my many other struggles.

If there is one lesson that I have learned from MCC that speaks of the Gospel or Good News that I would like to impart to others, it would be to know your worth. You are loved and you are worthy of love. True and genuine love. A love that nourishes, cares and a love that sets you free. You are worthy of God’s love and the love of family, friends, and community. After all, God’s love can only be experienced by the love that comes from warm bodies.

For the current members of MCC, recall your deepest why. Remember why you felt the need to look for a queer affirming church. What brought you here in the first place? Perhaps like me you needed to find some answers to how you can live a more fulfilling and meaningful life as a queer Christian. Perhaps you also sought an affirming community that will not reject you for who you are and who you are attracted to. And once you harness that fire, keep it burning so that others may see your light. That way we can give back to the community and continue to fulfill its mission. For the newbies, you are welcome here as you are. And I hope you can find your worth as I have found mine.

Let me end with verse that I chose that I feel resonate with my life and message for today:

Jeremiah 29:11-14 – “For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me, says the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you form all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.”

Matthew 5:14-16 – “You are the light of the world. A city built on a hill cannot be hid. No one after lighting a lamp puts it under the bushel basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven.”

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