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Kandungan disediakan oleh Shawna Scafe, Professional Counsellor, Shawna Scafe, and Professional Counsellor. Semua kandungan podcast termasuk episod, grafik dan perihalan podcast dimuat naik dan disediakan terus oleh Shawna Scafe, Professional Counsellor, Shawna Scafe, and Professional Counsellor atau rakan kongsi platform podcast mereka. Jika anda percaya seseorang menggunakan karya berhak cipta anda tanpa kebenaran anda, anda boleh mengikuti proses yang digariskan di sini https://ms.player.fm/legal.
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197. Holidays + Grief, Family Dynamics, Boundaries, Self-Care and Joy – tips from a counsellor
Manage episode 390472164 series 2988973
Kandungan disediakan oleh Shawna Scafe, Professional Counsellor, Shawna Scafe, and Professional Counsellor. Semua kandungan podcast termasuk episod, grafik dan perihalan podcast dimuat naik dan disediakan terus oleh Shawna Scafe, Professional Counsellor, Shawna Scafe, and Professional Counsellor atau rakan kongsi platform podcast mereka. Jika anda percaya seseorang menggunakan karya berhak cipta anda tanpa kebenaran anda, anda boleh mengikuti proses yang digariskan di sini https://ms.player.fm/legal.
This is part 2 of the situations that can feel tough around the holidays. We explore how we deal with grief, family dynamics and clashes and ways we can take care of ourselves and look for ways to enjoy what is available to us. Tips from a counsellor to consider for the holiday season. Main topics of this episode: Part 1 unpacked topics like anticipatory anxiety, routines, loneliness, overspending and transitions 196. When The Holidays Feel Hard (stress, anxiety, loneliness, overspending, transitions)- tips from a Counsellor Dealing with grief over the holidays When you need permission to grieve The 4 tasks of grieving Canadian Grief Support mygrief.ca Family dynamics Owning your own values 149. How to find what matters to you (uncovering your personal values) Family roles 8 common family roles 134. Do you typecast your kids? (Labels + how they impact our parenting and our kids) Boundaries help maintain a relationship vs barriers which block a relationship Knowing when to use each one Coping well, taking care of your capacity over the holidays The Meeting Your Needs Series Bringing the fun with you, you are allowed to enjoy moments 162. Think the best of me, or not. Allowing the hard and awesome in ourselves and in our lives. Finding Joy In Your Every Day (#theperfectmomentsproject) 163. Have fun with your kids, on purpose + reasons we don’t have fun Five Tips to Make Your Christmas Simpler and More Enjoyable When Did I Stop Enjoying My Kids? (and my journey back to enjoying them) Sign up for the Simple Saturdays email here FULL TRANSCRIPT (unedited) 0:10 Hi, It is Shawna, your nerdy girlfriend counselor from simple on purpose.ca Welcome to the simple on purpose podcast. And I'm just going to jump right into it. This episode is a follow up to 196 When Christmas feels hard, in that we introduced the concepts of making one shift for yourself this Christmas in the US things that feel hard. And we talked about anticipatory anxiety that you might be feeling stressed around the lack of routine, the pressures that we feel on Christmas spending money, being alone at Christmas being in a time transition. So those were all really great intros in situations that were shared. And I'm going to pick up and continue on with the topics of grief, family dynamics and boundaries. So the topic of grief was shared in the scenarios that women shared about the things that feel hard at Christmas. So there are things that we are grieving, we might be grieving this deed of the world right now, we might be grieving, a loss of what we thought this year would be. Maybe we're walking through a loss a loss of a person that you love, a loss of a relationship, a loss of a family, or friends system as you knew it. And if if someone has lost someone in the recent years, they're going through these seasons of life without that person for the first time. If someone has had a divorce or changes in their family, even if it was wanted, they're still left with this blank space that was once filled with familiar patterns and people and traditions they could rely on. And they know there are people grieving losses that happened over the past few years and didn't really get a chance to mourn during COVID Things have gone unaddressed. And new griefs can trigger old griefs. I wanted to share an experience that I had with grief around Christmas time. A few Christmases ago, during COVID, my mom had what was suspected to be a mini stroke, and she already had dementia. So from this, she was put into the hospital and then moved into a care facility. But at that time when it first happened, and she was in the hospital, she couldn't talk. She wasn't very responsive. She had to be spoon fed, she was in a wheelchair. And this was such a dramatic contrast to where she had just been. I mean, my dad had taken care of her for years.
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206 episod
Manage episode 390472164 series 2988973
Kandungan disediakan oleh Shawna Scafe, Professional Counsellor, Shawna Scafe, and Professional Counsellor. Semua kandungan podcast termasuk episod, grafik dan perihalan podcast dimuat naik dan disediakan terus oleh Shawna Scafe, Professional Counsellor, Shawna Scafe, and Professional Counsellor atau rakan kongsi platform podcast mereka. Jika anda percaya seseorang menggunakan karya berhak cipta anda tanpa kebenaran anda, anda boleh mengikuti proses yang digariskan di sini https://ms.player.fm/legal.
This is part 2 of the situations that can feel tough around the holidays. We explore how we deal with grief, family dynamics and clashes and ways we can take care of ourselves and look for ways to enjoy what is available to us. Tips from a counsellor to consider for the holiday season. Main topics of this episode: Part 1 unpacked topics like anticipatory anxiety, routines, loneliness, overspending and transitions 196. When The Holidays Feel Hard (stress, anxiety, loneliness, overspending, transitions)- tips from a Counsellor Dealing with grief over the holidays When you need permission to grieve The 4 tasks of grieving Canadian Grief Support mygrief.ca Family dynamics Owning your own values 149. How to find what matters to you (uncovering your personal values) Family roles 8 common family roles 134. Do you typecast your kids? (Labels + how they impact our parenting and our kids) Boundaries help maintain a relationship vs barriers which block a relationship Knowing when to use each one Coping well, taking care of your capacity over the holidays The Meeting Your Needs Series Bringing the fun with you, you are allowed to enjoy moments 162. Think the best of me, or not. Allowing the hard and awesome in ourselves and in our lives. Finding Joy In Your Every Day (#theperfectmomentsproject) 163. Have fun with your kids, on purpose + reasons we don’t have fun Five Tips to Make Your Christmas Simpler and More Enjoyable When Did I Stop Enjoying My Kids? (and my journey back to enjoying them) Sign up for the Simple Saturdays email here FULL TRANSCRIPT (unedited) 0:10 Hi, It is Shawna, your nerdy girlfriend counselor from simple on purpose.ca Welcome to the simple on purpose podcast. And I'm just going to jump right into it. This episode is a follow up to 196 When Christmas feels hard, in that we introduced the concepts of making one shift for yourself this Christmas in the US things that feel hard. And we talked about anticipatory anxiety that you might be feeling stressed around the lack of routine, the pressures that we feel on Christmas spending money, being alone at Christmas being in a time transition. So those were all really great intros in situations that were shared. And I'm going to pick up and continue on with the topics of grief, family dynamics and boundaries. So the topic of grief was shared in the scenarios that women shared about the things that feel hard at Christmas. So there are things that we are grieving, we might be grieving this deed of the world right now, we might be grieving, a loss of what we thought this year would be. Maybe we're walking through a loss a loss of a person that you love, a loss of a relationship, a loss of a family, or friends system as you knew it. And if if someone has lost someone in the recent years, they're going through these seasons of life without that person for the first time. If someone has had a divorce or changes in their family, even if it was wanted, they're still left with this blank space that was once filled with familiar patterns and people and traditions they could rely on. And they know there are people grieving losses that happened over the past few years and didn't really get a chance to mourn during COVID Things have gone unaddressed. And new griefs can trigger old griefs. I wanted to share an experience that I had with grief around Christmas time. A few Christmases ago, during COVID, my mom had what was suspected to be a mini stroke, and she already had dementia. So from this, she was put into the hospital and then moved into a care facility. But at that time when it first happened, and she was in the hospital, she couldn't talk. She wasn't very responsive. She had to be spoon fed, she was in a wheelchair. And this was such a dramatic contrast to where she had just been. I mean, my dad had taken care of her for years.
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206 episod
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×1 209. What I hope you take away from the Simple on Purpose podcast (retirement party!) 21:07
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21:07Dearest listeners, today is the finale episode where I share with you my experience of the podcast, answer your questions and sum up the takeaways I hope you have had from listening to the podcast. Episode topics and related links the start of the blog My C-Section & The Feelings I Was Ashamed to Admit my two main goals with the podcast how the podcast has changed me How To Find Your Enneagram Type (and how it has changed my life) Enneagram 101 (what is it and what are the nine types) anchor words (Bless It and Release It came from Stef Gass) Making life adjustments looking at decisions through the lens of our resources You Can Simplify Your Life Series our relationship with time Don’t wait for the Golden Years (seeing gold in the every day) growing through turning off the autopilot and taking an opposite action 175. What will your future be? More of the same? Or will you turn off the autopilot? 79. Six signs you are living your life on autopilot (and what to do about it) listening to your life Listening To Your Life Show Up For Your Life [series] What I hope listeners take away from the podcast (my wishes for you) It is ok to feel your feelings all episodes on feelings are in this playlist if you can’t access that playlist, start here with 156. 3 things to know about feeling negative emotions everything is hard AND awesome 162. Think the best of me, or not. Allowing the hard and awesome in ourselves and in our lives. 207. Our judgements and assumptions of others (fundamental attribution bias and how it impacts our relationships) 201. Overcoming negative self-talk and to moving towards positive self-talk you are not alone 145. You aren’t alone mama, I go through that too 76. Why it matters what you think (limiting mindsets in motherhood) address conflict, rather than avoid it 139. Are you TOO comfortable? And what is it costing you? take care of yourself The Meeting Your Needs Series own your life I was a Mom Martyr, here’s how to tell if you are too and what to do about it Build a life based on your own definition of success, not everyone else’s definition small things matter 78. Small things that can change your whole life (the compound effect) enjoy your life When Did I Stop Enjoying My Kids? (and my journey back to enjoying them) 203. Being a mom who enjoys her life Enjoying the simple pleasures (why it is hard and how to do it) 163. Have fun with your kids, on purpose + reasons we don’t have fun Ways to stay connected Sign up for the Simple Saturdays email Save the Spotify playlists, grouped by theme Email or DM me the topic you are looking for, I’m sure there is an episode on it and I will send it your way Of course, 1:1 coaching and counselling is available Listener Faves This a list of episodes that listeners sent to me, as being their fave episode of the Simple on Purpose podcast The ‘mom martyr’ episode 67. Making motherhood harder than it needs to be (Mom Martyr) The most common search term, of late When Did I Stop Enjoying My Kids? (and my journey back to enjoying them) Mindset for new moms 74. Show up for momlife with these empowering mindsets 73. How to deal with the emotional struggles of being a mom of babies and toddlers Letting go of our ego 162. Think the best of me, or not. Allowing the hard and awesome in ourselves and in our lives. Building a sense of capability vs a sense of control 115. A Controlling mom, or a capable mom? Hearing from moms of each enneagram type The Enneagram + Motherhood Series Various conversations around self-care The Meeting Your Needs Series Living on autopilot 139. Are you TOO comfortable? And what is it costing you? Framing your experience of motherhood 53. Change your motherhood experience by changing how you make memories Full transcript (unedited) 0:07 Hey, it’s Shawna, your nerdy girlfriend and counselor from simple on purpose.ca Welcome to the finale episode of Simple on purpose. Yes, I am retiring. But the podcast episodes, they’re all gonna stay here for you to use the archives. And all the different topics we’ve covered over the years are gonna stay here. But this is our retirement party episode, I want to sprinkle in some input from you listeners that you’ve sent in. I want to toast to what I’ve learned during the podcast, and I want to make some retirement wishes to send along with you. Yep, it’s the retirement speech you didn’t ask for but you’re gonna get it. And we’re going to start of course, with some twinkling flashback music, to where it all began. You’ve heard me share this, maybe I started blogging in 2011. After my first child was born by emergency C section, it was a difficult delivery was a difficult experience. And I felt like nobody really got what I went through because my circle of moms didn’t have that experience. I was feeling really overwhelmed with these emotions and what to do with them and who to talk to. And my postnatal nurse recommended I write about it. And that was dovetail blog dovetail blog was born from that place. It was a place I shared about motherhood on the regular. And then it shifted into the simple on purpose blog. In 2016, I made a new change and I had at home a two year old a four year old five year old and after consistent blogging for many years, I decided I needed to take it off my plate for a bit. And I was just going to send out a regular newsletter a bi weekly email called simple Saturdays. That was the birth of simple Saturdays that’s still happening that bi weekly email and I just love that place. Also, during this time, I had been listening to podcasts, some of those oh geez like the happy hour with Jamie Ivey cat Lee’s podcast, she had one about motherhood. And what about blogging? Jeff Goins was another voice that I was listening to a lot. These days, there’s, I don’t know, 1000s Millions. I don’t know how many podcasts there are. But those were some OG ones. And I was just soaking them up. I was loving them. I could just listen to them on the go and get that motivation, inspiration, interesting stories, interesting people. And I really fell in love with podcasts as a way to communicate and create a community. So in 2018, I started making an audio version of the simple Saturday’s email. If you go back to those first episodes of The Simple on purpose podcast, that’s what they are. They’re kind of recaps of the simple Saturday’s email, I realized that there were people like me who preferred to just listen on the go. And I really wanted to keep spreading the simple on purpose community. Quickly, I found that I had a chance to say things and I wanted to do more than just recap the simple letters email. So it turned into episodes about a single topic from there. That was six years ago. As the podcast has grown over the years, you listeners have helped it rank over the years in the past, in the top 20 for parenting podcast with Apple, Canada, and in the top seven need for self improvement podcasts with Apple, Canada. That felt like a huge win. One of my leading goals with the podcast was first and foremost that episodes be tight, a tight 2020 minutes or less. Because in my opinion, which is very biased unless you’re doing an entertainment podcast, and people are coming to you for entertainment. Unless you’re interviewing someone. Or maybe you’re human and you have just like four hours of research you want to share though I think it’s still way too long. I think it’s unnecessary to have such long episodes. I feel like 20 minutes is important. It forces me the podcaster and you the listener to come into this really efficient and focused time. I don’t want fluff. I don’t want chatter, usually unless you’re here to entertain me. So I just assumed other Altair would want the same. And I’ve heard that from many of your moms that you appreciate a quick episode. You’re listening to me on your drives on your walks while folding the neverending laundry while making dinner. To prepare for this episode, I emailed you guys I put it on Instagram, and I asked for your favorite episodes or questions that you had for me about the podcast. And first of all, thank you for all of your messages back. You guys have given me some really kind and supportive and sweet words. And I’ve been reading them all I might not email back just yet, but I’m reading them. And I want to thank you all for that I have shared on the podcast and I think this is something that anyone is a listener or a consumer of content on the other end. I think it’s helpful to understand that for someone who’s putting something out there it can feel really one sided sometimes to put out my stories and thoughts and ideas out into the interwebs it’s kind of like tossing a rock down a well and waiting for the plunk. You want to hear the plunk You want to know, the rock has reached the water, the plunk tells you it’s been received. So hearing back, hearing back from you has been the feedback that kept me feeling like I was on the right track, and I’m doing something of value for you. So I hope you feel my adoration of you listeners who have made this feel like a conversation. And let me know that I was helping you live more simple and more on purpose, which, of course, was my other goal in all of this, and I would anchor this idea with the word that I would say to myself over the years, and that word was freedom. It has been my mission to bring women freedom, it has been it still is it will be freedom from being overwhelmed by your motions, freedom from the autopilot, living freedom from the all or nothing thinking and the belief that you don’t actually have a choice, freedom from all of the checklists on who you should be and how your life should look and how your kids should act and what your husband to do. Freedom from all the clutter in your space in your brain and your life and freedom from all of these things so that you get to make choices you choose. You set your vision you decide your values. I had a question, how has this podcast changed me, a couple of things come to my mind. One, the biggest one is given me a voice literally and metaphorically, which as an Enneagram. Nine, that’s been a challenge for me to cultivate and really embrace over the years. For so many years, I just believe that I don’t have a voice or my voice doesn’t matter. And now I created a platform for myself where I was putting my voice out there, it was so awkward. And it was a place I was fully in control of. So when you have a voice and you’re finally in control of it, you start being a lot more mindful of what you want to say sometimes to mindful, overthinking. But it has made me think so much more about what I want to say how am I living? What am I noticing, it encouraged me to research and deep dive into topics and to kind of unearth these things that I want to bring to you guys. And it’s made me more accountable into living simple and on purpose. Not that I did or do it perfectly. I hope you get that from me. I am not here to be anyone’s aspiration. I am not here to be a spokesperson or an exemplar. I am here to have the conversations. I’m here to talk about ideas. I’m here to remind you that you get to choose, you should not be a cookie cutter of anyone else. You need to listen to yourself and your life and decide what you will pursue. Another way this podcast has changed me is it’s made me resilient. There were seasons of the podcasts where I didn’t get feedback, no plunk when they dropped the rock. There were seasons where someone would say something unkind. There were seasons where I would lose an editor and I had to do that part for a while there were seasons where I felt overwhelmed. Or I wasn’t sure what I should be talking about, or I doubt it every single word coming out of my mouth. And I’m not sure if you ever put these things together. But I’ve never monetized the podcast these days, right now you might be hearing an ad or two. But that sense, and I have not done any monetizing of the podcast all these years. Not that I am noble, costs money after all, but just that it always felt like something I would figure out later, later, really never game turns out. But through all of this sense of doubt, and defeat and confusion, there was something in me that just wouldn’t quit, I grew a lot of resilience in myself. And I had to root myself, ultimately, I have to root that in something. And I rooted it in the belief that this was the right thing to do. I was really carried along from one doubt to the next, by your notes, by your ratings and reviews by your messages when you’re doing things that you could just quit and you’re kind of like why am I here, it’s really important to root yourself in purpose and hope and intention, and something you’re passionate about. So my anchor thought would be just bless it and release it put this out into the world and choose to believe that maybe this episode isn’t for everyone, not everyone’s gonna get something for it, but it is for that one person who needed it. 9:15 I’m sure just listening to this, you can imagine that this is a hard thing to leave. And also it’s not. It’s weird, because I’ve known for a long time that I would be leaving the podcast, I felt like God was just slowly whispering into my ear to prepare me slowly so that when the time came, I could just make that choice clean and assured that the time was right. And the reasons that prompted me to retire the podcast are simply time and energy. If you listen to me in the past, I would call these two of our resources, our resources, what we have available to us to budget and allocate in our own lives. Time, money, energy, what whether that’s physical or emotional in our physical space. These are all things we have an unlimited supply each day. Sure we can make make some big moves, we can change the amount of money and energy and space we have. But time is always a concrete limit on us. There’s only so much time. And I don’t know what you feel when you say the word time, but I’m at a place in my life where time is a word that rings in my bones when I say it, time has become something so precious to me. So bitter sweet. It has tangles in thorns, but it’s also blooming and beautiful. This relationship I have with time, no doubt is formed from seeing my mom losing herself to dementia. There is time I cannot regain. There are conversations I can never have. And I’ve shared this before on the simple senators email on the blog, watching my parents experience of time seeing how people could set up their whole life to just get through to the next stage or to the golden years almost living on autopilot until life can be enjoyed and then that just crumbles in your hands. It’s made me so hyper aware how precious time is. Oh, did you know you’re getting the extended version? My decision to retire the podcasts? Yeah, these are the deep thoughts that are really informing these decisions for me. Ultimately, my time and energy had to be reassessed because I have had an opportunity to work more in a healthy communities job, which meant less time for one to one clients, which means something has to be taken off of my plate. So rather than than fighting my life to make it all work, I knew now is the time to drop the podcast. And it’s been tough. I value this place in these conversations so much. But it’s a decision that’s really bringing me some peace and some breathing space. I’ve noticed, I shared in a similar set simple Saturdays email this month that I found myself just taking time to think like, what do I feel like doing right now. And I could go for an afternoon walk. Instead of drafting up episode notes. I could go downstairs and play the piano or prepare some lunch for myself. Instead of drafting an episode, I could sit on the deck with my husband for the afternoon instead of recording and editing a podcast episode. This weekend, I also found myself solo parenting. And I spent an afternoon on the deck helping my almost 1210 year old cut and drill wood to make a chair that he dreamed up in his head. And I was noticing, I didn’t feel any urgency or mental chatter. I didn’t find myself reaching for my phone I didn’t like evaluate in my head, when am I gonna go get work done on the next episode, I was just there with him. This is what I wanted to just be there. Because deep down, I’m driven by this knowledge that we don’t know how long we have one another. We need to balance our goals and productivity, with our intention and our presence. Being able to just be there, it felt reassuring that I have peace in this decision. Not just relief, which is temporary but peace, right? There’s a difference. And who knows, maybe my retirement will be like Garth Brooks, and I’ll come back a few times over the next decade. Who knows? Who knows. But what I’m trying to really reflect here is that life is seasons, you can always change your mind. And you can always decide to commit through the hard seasons through the doubt builder options. And in working with many women over many years, I would encourage you that depending on your natural instincts, we often do the most growing when we do the opposite of our instincts of our autopilot for me, it would have been easy drop the hard thing and change my mind when it got tough. I knew I had to see it through and only leave when I felt like I had really taught myself that resilience and commitment. For others who never quit even when they should. You might need the reminder to stop fighting your life to make something happen just because you said you would. You might need the reminder, you can always change your mind. And if you can give yourself compassion and acceptance you don’t need it for anyone else from anyone else. Listen to your life. Listen to what it needs this season. Throughout this episode, I’ve just been answering some of the questions that were sent in to me through what I’ve been sharing. But I want to address one really specifically, it’s a really great question a listener wants to hear a sum of things that I would like the listeners to take with them. I’m going to call them my wishes for you. And I want to answer that first by sharing a note that was sent in to me from a listener and part of what she said was this. You have taught me that it’s okay to feel my feelings. And something can be hard and good at the same time. You also gave me the much needed perspective that I wasn’t alone who like if I retired knowing that I was able to offer this to one mom. I will retire pretty darn satisfied that my goals with this podcast have been completed. But I also want to point out you can listen to advice and ideas all day long. What you do is it is up to you. I can’t take credit it for you being open and humble and self reflecting and doing no work of applying any concepts or changes to your life. So, pat yourself on the back. I am going to make that quick summary list of things that I hope listeners are taking away. And as mentioned, in that note, I just shared feelings. Feelings have a purpose, feelings are for feeling. And there’s a lot of wisdom in our emotions if we can learn how to pay attention to them and use them in very healthy and useful ways. Hard and awesome. It’s a saying in our house, saying I give to clients, everything is hard and awesome. The day the season your home, your people, you you are hurting, awesome. And you aren’t alone. Part of realizing this is letting go of extremes. I really hate the notion that there are two camps of mums. One we feel like are the beautiful robots running the PTA. And their kids are always listening. They probably wash their hair every day. And the other ones who forgot it was wear green day at school. So they wrap their kids some Christmas paper shoving out the door. They’re living off toast and coffee and maybe wearing the four year old maternity bra and sweatpants that just feel so uncomfortable. Like I don’t think we are one of these extremes. I really think because it’s in my experience too. We’re in the middle, we’re moving between these two, we don’t have to be a hot mess. And we don’t have to be superhumans. We can be both in different ways. And at different times. I do have an episode on this. But what I want you to let go of here is that idea of extremes. I’m this or I’m that it’s us versus them her versus me. And then we find common ground. We’re just women. We’re moms, we kind of all want the same things. We just want to love our kids well, and maybe a nap. And then if I were to add a few more of my wishes for those who listen to the podcast here is what I hope you have been encouraged to do over the years. One address conflict rather than avoid it. taking the easy way out often leads down a harder road. To take care of yourself like real care. This is no one’s job but yours and I don’t mean self comfort but self care. Three, own your life. Don’t be a martyr. Empower yourself. Give yourself capability and hope and strength and own it. For we enforce small things matter. Do a small thing today that’s in line with who you want to be these build up over time. And the last one my favorite. Enjoy, enjoy your life. Enjoy your people. Enjoy your own company. Enjoy the way the sun shines through the trees. Enjoy the hum of the dryer at night. Enjoy stupid TV shows. Enjoy fresh sheets and your favorite soap. Enjoy a kitchen dance party. Enjoy saying goodnight to your kids enjoy the simple things. One of the most common ways that people find simple on purpose is through searching some kind of topic related to I stopped enjoying my kids, I don’t enjoy my kids. If you search this to find me, you aren’t alone. There’s a reason I wrote it, there’s a reason I shared it. My end goal with all of this is that you can remove all the distractions, the clutter, that you will find tools and strategies and empowerment to make the time and energy and space and money and intention to actually enjoy your life and the people you choose to have in it. With all of that, I’m gonna go enjoy my day, you’re going to Well, I’m going to edit this and post the show notes. Then I’m gonna go sit in the Sunbeam for a bit the kids are going to be done school this week. I know an empty house will not be available to me for a few months. So I’m gonna go do that and I hope you go do something you enjoy to. To wrap up, stop by the show notes. I’m going to try and pack them with all the related links, the list of listeners favorite episodes. And you can always read the transcripts or at the bottom of every episode if you’d like to read these things. And then in another thank you because I wanted this to be a celebration of us. Thank you for being part of this community. 19:11 Thank you for your messages whether you hit reply on simple Saturdays or you found me on Instagram. Thank you for sharing the podcast to your Instagram stories. Thank you for sharing it with your friends. Thank you for any rating and review you ever left on your podcast player and you can still leave on if you want. I love to see them. Thank you for any posting you did in the Facebook group or the recent but short lived Patreon and just thank you for subscribing. Thank you for being a listener. To stay connected. Make sure you subscribe to the simple Saturday’s email is still coming out twice a month. And you know since I’ve kind of been on a hiatus with Instagram, you’re gonna find me overcompensating for the lack of podcasting and lack of Instagram and probably just generally oversharing that email some ideas for you if you want to make use of the 200 Plus episode archive. There’s a few things you can do. One is, check out the podcast playlists, save those playlists on your Spotify. These are all themed by different topics like habit change mom on purpose, minimalism, emotional intelligence, and email me or DM me on Instagram. If you’re looking for a topic. I’m sure there’s an episode on that. Just email me and I’ll send it your way. And check out in the show notes. Check out the fav episodes list. I’m going to list out some of those listeners favorite episodes that they shouldn’t send it to me in the show notes. Kind of like a best of according to the listeners. Alright friends, it’s been a pleasure. Thank you for letting me share my voice with you. Thank you for listening. Thank you for coming alongside this journey with warmth and love. Take care of yourself. Enjoy the awesome. Learn from the hard and have a great week. Transcribed by https://otter.ai…
1 208. Improve relationships with this simple tool (bids for connection) 16:50
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Disukai
16:50Years ago I learned a simple tool that has improved all my relationships. This tool is about looking for the cues that others are giving us – and using those times to connect. They are called Bids For Connection, a Gottman term. I will outline what bids are, ways to respond, and how to simplify the process. Before we jump in, 👉🏼 remember to stay connected through the Simple Saturdays email, 📧 you can sign up here. Key points and related links What bids for connection are Our marriage was struggling, here are 12 things that helped us heal and strengthen it When They Tell Me I’m Lucky to Have Him Why it’s worth paying attention to love languages and expectations in marriage Noticing different types of bids for connection in your partner, kids and friends Gottman’s list of type of bids Three responses to bids for connection (turning towards, away, against) Gottman research on bids and relationship success Applying bids for connection to parenting Recognizing your own bids for connection, and unmet needs Benefits of responding to bids for connection with empathy 85. When empathy is hard in marriage and friendships 84. How parenting with empathy can transform your relationship 207. Our judgements and assumptions of others (fundamental attribution bias and how it impacts our relationships) Starting simple by noticing and responding to bids for connection Using bids to connect through presence, not just problem-solving 16. When did I stop enjoying my kids? Knowing your vision and values. The best waffles ever. 203. Being a mom who enjoys her life Full transcript (unedited) 0:00 Hey friends, it’s Shawna, your nerdy girlfriend and counselor from simpler purpose.ca. Welcome to this and on purpose podcast or right away. Announcement, I mentioned probably in the emails, at least maybe on the podcast, I can’t remember that I will be wrapping up the podcast for the summer. And at this point, what I am deciding to do is actually retire the podcast, at least for the time being, I just shared this in the Patreon as well, because I’ll be shutting that down. The main reason is that I am taking on a new job and going to be working more hours there. So it’s a matter of me just juggling the hours that I do work because I do mainly kind of work school time hours. So I need to be very discerning on the work I choose to do. And I wanted to really choose the work that I really love the most. And for me, that’s a one to one clients. So I’m going to unpack this a lot more, I’m going to have a retirement party episode coming up, I’m going to ask for your input your feedback. So watch out for an email on that coming soon. If you are part of the simple Saturday’s email, you will get that, if not, I recommend signing up for that I will be continuing this simple Saturday’s email, I’ll put a link in the show notes on that. So in light of that, I want to get to the topic. And I’m actually really excited that this is one of the final topics that I’m sharing on the podcast, because to me, it is such a great tool. And it’s such a great practice to bring into our relationships. And I’ve been talking a lot about relationships in the Patreon this month in here on the podcast. And this is a tool that is from the goblins. If you’ve heard of the goblins, they are a couple of psychologists and researchers. They are a couple. And they are all so these things and they use study relationships mainly love relationships. And their training for therapists is so good. I’ve taken it. I’ve loved it. There’s so many practical tools and simple concepts. And this is one of them. It is called bids for connection bids for connection and I might just call them bids. While I’m talking about this. The first time I heard about bids for connection was at a time when we were at a really challenging time in our marriage. We had a lot of walls up a lot of resentment a lot of scorekeeping, a lot of fear a lot of pride. I’ve shared a bit on this on the on the blog, so I’ll make sure to link that in the show notes. But I was probably looking at things on connection or how to improve our communication or something noble, like how to get my husband to validate me more, I came across this article and explained what bids for connection are and how they can be a really basic way to improve your relationship and I text it to my husband. And at this time he was really used to being peppered with my hashtag advice. But this is something he actually read and reply to he said something like that was good. I agree. And for me at that time, it felt really pivotal because I had sent him lots of things in the past always didn’t get an answer. So this felt to me kind of like answered prayers level to have that response from him. A bit for connection is any attempt you make at engaging with another person. This can be verbal attempts, direct questions, or comments or even comments that aren’t necessarily directed at you. Like someone sitting beside you on the couch and muttering Oh, there’s never anything good on TV. They can be nonverbal attempts, facial expressions, body language, physical closeness. So they can be as simple as your kid saying, I hurt my finger, or your partner saying I read an interesting article today. Are your kids sitting down and just like big sigh your kids saying watch this, your partner saying something about the game last night, even if you don’t even know what the game was or who’s playing what these days. The purpose of the bed is to interact with you and ultimately connect with you. A bit might be saying play with me. Join me, help me, see me laugh with me, support me. problem solve with me. Enjoy me there’s different purposes that a bit can have the Kaufman’s have a little bit of a list, I’ll make sure to link that in the show notes. Bits of connection are important. First of all, we can just see right off the bat that they make someone feel seen and supported. And this is really a basis for safety in a relationship. In Gottman terms, they are important because they’re considered an experience of positive effect. And they use this metaphor of adding to the emotional bank have a relationship that our emotional bank needs more positive than negative experiences. And if we can fill our emotional bank proactively with positive experiences, then when we’re in a state of conflict, or something negative occurs, we aren’t going to run a deficit in that and obviously something to think about it’s easier to build up positive experiences when we are not in conflict. This is more something they studied more in love relationships but in My experience is that it applies to all relationships that we actually care about. I definitely see it in talking with my own family and my own kids. So we have someone offering a bid for connection. And there’s three responses we could have. One is turning towards so we’re engaging positively, we’re acknowledging the bid. Someone says something about nothing being on TV, and you might respond. I know, right? Like, I feel that way too, that I never find something I want to watch. Or your kids saying, I feel like an idiot today. And you might respond with like, Oh, that’s so tough. What’s happening. When we turn towards we’re telling the person they matter, even if the topic feels so mundane. We’re saying it’s important to me because you’re important to me. I even think of how we physically turn towards each other. So often, we don’t even look up and make eye contact, which is so crucial. So turn to words, turn your eyes toward someone turn your body towards someone. The Gottman approach their research by looking at what makes the difference between couples who stay together and couples who separate what, what equates to failure and what equates to success. And when it comes to bids for connection, couples that stay married, tune to one another 86% of the time. It’s like an A right? It’s not 100%, that’s for sure. But those in the studies who separated they turn towards each other only 33% of the time, because here’s the other two options, turning away or turning against. So turning away, it’s ignoring it’s not noticing and not responding, or responding in ways that actually say I’m not listening, which could be changing the subject. When we turn away, we’re sending the signal that their subject is not important, we’re not present with them, or their subject that they’re talking about. It’s just not worth our reaction, we might just change the subject altogether. So naturally, what a person takes away from that is, this isn’t important to you. I’m not important to you. turning against means we’re responding dismissively, negatively, we might have irritation, we might snap, we might give them a look, glare at them, blame them point out how we were right about something how they were wrong, we might criticize, we might condemn, I think of the example of a wife coming home and a husband or swap partners, whatever. One partner saying we did that garden in the back and the other partner says Why would you waste your time doing that that is turning against that is eroding that connection. I want to mention a couple of things here. The first is our responses don’t have to be over the top. That training video for the Gottman training, it was really interesting because it was a normal couple and they kind of put them in this lab that feels like a home. So if we’re supposed to imagine them being at home, and one of them is staring out the window and the other one’s just right in the other room. It’s all open watching TV. And the person looking out the window is saying something about what they see out there like oh, the clouds are rolling in something about the garden back home. And it’s actually the man staring at the TV and he made some comment back like, oh, rain will be good. And it wasn’t dismissive. It was just simply responsive. And she came and she sat on the couch beside him. And he said something similar about what was on TV, and she just made a gentle comment back. They didn’t need over the top responses. And now we have to unpack it and get like questions and I have to be in your business, they were just present with one another. Sometimes turn towards does require us to tap into empathy, or curiosity. And I think a key here that I hear is that we stay in a place of non judgment, where we’re just open and present and where we want to listen to this person. And we’re not using this as an opportunity to put on judgment or criticism. 8:44 And then when it comes to kids, I want to preface this that we’re not ever looking for 100% As parents, especially when your kids are younger, they might be doing things you don’t necessarily want to encourage, we might need other tactics like redirection or setting boundaries. And I think of the research around the term good enough parent. And what that research tells us is that we cannot and should not be 100% emotionally attuned to our kids every time not only because they need to start to learn these skills on their own, we need a gradual weaning from being their emotional attunement and responding to all of their needs. But because it’s also an unrealistic expectation of a parent, mother or father, at the end of the day, they need us most of the time to feel like they are securely attached to us. Either way, I think it’s important to just simply do the work of noticing our kids behavior and their language being a bit for connection like all their jumping onto my lap, they might want to have fun with me, they might want my attention or they’re putting my their head on my shoulder while we’re sitting beside each other. I remember one of my kids being about six years old and they put their head on my shoulder and I was just like soaking it all in and a bit of time goes by and and they get up and then They say you might, you must not want me there because you didn’t put your head back on mine was so glad. They told me because I was having a moment like I was in it. But they were looking for a more clear response. So that was them needing me to actually turn into them and turn towards them. As our kids get older, they’re still bids for connection. They’re telling you, their teacher sucks, they probably feel like they need some support with that, your kid asks you to bake with them. And I hate baking, it makes such a mess. But I know that they want to do something fun, and they want you to be around for it. They tell you have a band concert of a basketball game or a practice next week, that’s a bid. They want you to show interest, they might not even want you to be there. If you’re doing something in another room, like you’re working, or you’re watching TV, and they just come in, and they’re just there. And they can come in under the guise of a lot of different things are being silly or whatever. But they are there because they likely want to connect with you. A real common one is if kids these days showing you a funny video, or teaching you about their slang or a song that they heard, they want to connect with you they’re overall my goal in sharing this topic with you is that so you can notice this notices in yourself and notices in others, we can notice our own bids, because we still have needs to write we are putting out bids for connection, we might even learn that we could try some different strategies to relay our bids, especially if our partner doesn’t know what bids are, they might miss the cues, that maybe we’re looking for some chitchat, maybe we want some support, maybe we want to play a game, maybe we want to hug. And of course, remember, in relationships, especially love relationships, we have conditioned one another on what to expect from our past actions towards each other of turning away, towards or against. So there might be some repairs that need to be made there we have not turned towards often enough, we have not supported emotional safety and taught the other that they can come to us that might be something we need to repair. A big thing I take away from the concept of bids for connection and in looking at it as a practice in how I show up in relationship is that it is about coming out of my own world and my own self, and out into what’s around me like looking up and seeing what’s around me. I’m coming out of my own inner world, this person is coming out of theirs. And we’re both finding this common place where we can be together be to gather presence. Finally, I hope this helps you just notice it in others because we all struggle to understand when we’re feeling alone or in need of validation or support or companionship. I bet even in explaining what bids for connection are you looked back on recent things and realized in yourself that you are offering a bid for connection, I bet you can look back on it as a child and see the things you were doing as a bid for connection. But we didn’t have this language or awareness that what we wanted was some fun or a hug or someone to help us we often don’t realize that. So I hope that this can give you a little bit more language and awareness around that. And ultimately hope you know, if you see this in others, you can remind yourself this person wants to connect with me. And the more we respond, the more bids for connection we respond to the more connected we’re going to feel, the more safe the relationship will feel. Even if we don’t solve problems, which I think we all need to step back from trying so hard to do. We do this so often where if someone else is uncomfortable emotionally, we just want to fix it. We just want them to feel comfortable again so that we can feel comfortable. I want you to be okay, so I can be okay. So bits for connection aren’t always for the purpose of emotionally solving someone’s problems. We can’t always fix it. But we can just be there. I can just be here with you. I might not be able to solve this. We can talk about ideas. But I’m here for you. And that must be so tough. Can I do anything? We need to ask permission to solve people’s problems before we just try to jump in there and change how they’re feeling and doing things putting our way onto them. Because that’s not what people always need. They just need to be seen and validated and supported. And ultimately I hope enjoyed really this is this is what’s changed things for me is it helps me to enjoy the people around me. When someone offers a bid for connection. I want to I want to respond most of the time, right? Like sometimes I’m busy enough to say wait, especially with the kids like I’ll be there in a minute just wait. But I want to show up for that bid for connection. They’re offering me something of themselves. And I want to ask a question or express empathy or anything statement I can make to just make that person feel heard. Unlike I’ve processed it, I didn’t go to my own world and my own self, I stayed with you there, which is a hard shift to make. Because we are so used to turning it back about us to making the conversation back about us. to it, we might think we’re connecting. But often the other person doesn’t actually feel like we’ve heard them or stayed with them there. We’ve come back into our own world. That’s why I call it a practice because it really is a practice of listening in staying and responding. I’ve probably made this meta and made it something you know, more bigger than what it is. But I think it’s because I’ve been trying to do this for so long. So start simple. Start simple guys. If your someone around you is offering you a bid for connection, keep it simple, a simple response, something warm, something non judgmental, a question is great. A follow up question is great if it’s coming from genuine curiosity. Empathy is always helpful. I’ve got some episodes on that wherever you can express any reflection of what they might be feeling if that feels appropriate. But just start simple and just start looking for ways to respond. And I hope that you experiencing experience, the connection that it can bring, and just the enjoyment you can start to have of another person in your life and ideally, you’re reciprocated. You’re getting that to, that’s what I would hope for you. Alright, the retirement party episode is coming in June. I’m just going to say everything I have to say about that for then, and I will wrap up with Have a great week. Transcribed by https://otter.ai…
1 207. Our judgements and assumptions of others (fundamental attribution bias and how it impacts our relationships) 17:26
17:26
Main Kemudian
Main Kemudian
Senarai
Suka
Disukai
17:26We all make assumptions and judgments of others – but did you know there is a bias we have in our judgements? This bias shows up in all of our relationships and it can create an opposition and divide in places we actually want empathy and compassion. In this episode we explore the Fundamental Attribution Bias, how it impacts our relationships and what to do about it. As mentioned in the episode, you can f ind the Spotify playlists here, and sign up for Simple Saturdays here. Key topics covered in this episode The purpose of relationships, how this has shifted over generations Relationships and wellbeing: The Havard Adult Development Study Making assumptions about others Filling in the blanks and m ind-reading 199. Mindset traps to be aware of (cognitive distortions that might be holding you back in motherhood and life) Perception is a projection, how our judgements and assumptions can reflect our own struggles and opinions The Fundamental Attribution Bias How we judge the action of others vs how we judge: character or circumstance The me vs them mentality (or Us vs Them) Examples of it in marriage 62. My husband put the groceries away wrong, he doesn’t care about me (love languages and expectations in marriage) Awareness and empathy 84. How parenting with empathy can transform your relationship 85. When empathy is hard in marriage and friendships Accepting the hard parts of ourselves 162. Think the best of me, or not. Allowing the hard and awesome in ourselves and in our lives. Getting 1:1 coaching support Book a session with Shawna here FULL TRANSCRIPT (unedited) Hey guys, it’s Shawna, your nerdy girlfriend and counselor from simple on purpose.ca Welcome to the simple on purpose podcast. I want to give you a heads up right away this podcast will retire for the summer. So just a heads up. Our summer starts at the end of June. I encourage you in those months to use the archives, we have over five years of episodes on all of the topics. So if you want to be intentional about listening to them, I suggest you use the Spotify playlists and define those, you can go to simple on purpose.ca and click listen. You’ll find the links to the playlist we’ve got them on different topics like habit change mom on purpose, life on purpose, minimalism emotions, they’re all there for you check them out. And this summer also follow along with a simple Saturday’s email. If you aren’t a subscriber, I definitely encourage you to join that that is just a really like, warm and cozy place that I love to be with you guys. It comes out every two weeks, so it’s not gonna overwhelm your inbox. And I like to share some simple and purposes, purpose thoughts, some posts you might like. And that’s actually where you guys gave me this nickname, your nerdy girlfriend. So it’s a really great space to be. I’ll link that in the show notes as well. Let’s get into today’s episode this month, we’re talking about relationships. What is the purpose of a relationship? Is it to support your survival, emotional support, to entertain you to find love to find connection. This has definitely changed over the years of purpose of a relationship, especially if you look in the context of a marriage. It used to be about survival for a woman to be under the care of a man that was the world that was the culture unfortunately, it still is in some places. But even friends and communities, there was a need for support and survival, there was a need to do things together. So it is a more modern concept that our relationships are there to entertain us to make us feel loved to feel connected and seen and valued for the better and the worst, right, and that’s a whole other topic. But we all know that we are a social species. And maybe some of us feel that it is definitely true, that relationships are important to us to our to our well being. studies have concluded this that supportive relationships are actually the number one predictor of well being in your life, it’s not money, it’s not your health or your job or how trendy your clothes are. It is people deep relationships. This is from the longest running study on the topic called that Harvard adult development study. If you have some people in your life, and it doesn’t need to be a lot that you feel like you can rely on who you support, and they support you that is the highest predictor of feeling well being in your life. Kind of crazy. So we know deep within us that we need relationships for many reasons. However, we run into obstacles just to be in the daily life of relationships with others, I want to talk about a common way that we create opposition in our relationships. And that is our assumptions. We fill in the blanks a lot. We fill in the blanks on what others are thinking we do this more often than we should probably we mind read. Have you ever mind read what your husband was thinking and decided he’s probably mad at, you know, just me, we fill in the blanks on what others are thinking, often what they’re thinking about us, they think I’m overreacting, they don’t think I’m good enough. They think I don’t know what I’m talking about. They know why I’m mad, and they just don’t want to admit it. And a lot can be said for what we’re projecting of ourselves and our own insecurities into this blank space. We also make assumptions about why they’re doing what they’re doing, what are their motives. And this is where I want to talk about the fundamental attribution bias, which is about this bias that we have when we look at what other people are doing, and what our brain makes it mean about them. Now, I don’t think this about people that don’t want to give an example, if you see somebody who doesn’t take the grocery cart back and you are someone who takes the grocery cart back, what are you thinking? Are they are they lazy? So I live in a town where the carts are free, you might live in a world where you gotta get that coin back. And you might come to different conclusions. But this can go the other way, right? So imagine you’re someone who never takes the cart back. And you see that person across the parking lot who is taking the cart back? What pops up for you? They’re probably judging me. Oh, they think they’re so great. We do this really quietly in the back of our minds. We look at other people’s actions, and we make assumptions about the type of person that they are. We’ve heard so often actions speak louder than words but we forget that any action can have a lot of circumstances, thoughts. feelings experiences conditions that express that action that lead up to that action. And I’m not talking about obvious situations where someone is causing harm or acting unethically in a morally, I’m talking more of that day to day stuff in our relationships, the things we judge in those around us. Relate relationships are one of the most common topics in counseling, because we know we need relationships. So when our close relationships feel off, our sense of stability feels off. Relationships, our deepest work, we live in relation to others, others are a mirror for us, a mirror for our own defenses, our triggers, our measuring sticks, our struggles, the things we rejected ourselves, our self judgment, perception is a projection, our experience of, well, anything but our experience of another person depends on us. So imagine we’re reading a book or watching a movie or someone said something, really anything, we all develop different meanings about the things because we are different, and we’ve had different experiences that shape, what meaning we give to things. Our perception is a projection of us of our own stories, our values, our cultural upbringing, our likes, our dislikes, our experiences, what we’re comfortable with what we’re not how we measure right and wrong. Here’s an example, if someone is very oppositional, but you grew up believing that it was noble and kind and diplomatic, to keep the peace, that oppositional person is going to trigger a lot in you, you’re going to have a lot of discomfort in judgment of the person. Or you will deny all those emotions and just wonder why it’s such a struggle to be around them. And imagine the opposite. If you grew up believing it was necessary to be oppositional that there are in justices in the world, someone has to take a stand. And if you care about something, you will say something, then they look at the person who seems to placate or seem apathetic, and that will trigger something in them. With a fundamental attribution bias, we make conclusions based on what we see in others. If a coworker is late to a meeting, we might assume that they’re disorganized. They’re disrespectful. We see the action and we make an assumption about who that person is their character, their motives. And maybe it’s true, like with most things, right, maybe sometimes they’re disorganized or disrespectful, maybe sometimes, but probably not all of the time. Like this is true for most things. But the most important part of all of this, the thing that I think can actually help us shift our perspectives on how we look at others make assumptions about them, Sidner judgments about them is the flip side. This bias has a flip side, which is when we do the thing. We attribute our actions to external circumstances, we justify it not by our character, but by what is happening to us. If we are late to a meeting, we have reasons right. Like, I had to get my kid off to school, I’m a mom, right? Or I had to print those meeting notes. The printer didn’t work. This bias is in almost every relationship from siblings to coworkers, to the lady at yoga to our kids to our partners. If my partner doesn’t want to talk about a subject, it’s because they’re scared to be vulnerable. They can’t handle their feelings like something’s wrong with them, right? Confirm this for me. But if I don’t want to talk about a subject, it’s because I’m not feeling safe. Right? Something else is the problem not perfect little me. If my partner doesn’t text me back during the day, I can assume they don’t care about me. They care more about work. They’re dismissive, how selfish of them. But if I don’t text them back during the day, I was busy. There’s so much stuff on my plate, I got distracted. Don’t you know how hard I work? There’s just so much I need to take care of how can you expect me to text you back like that? This is the contrast. How about with our kids, if our kid has a bad attitude, and we know they can have bad attitudes, we have a lot of assumptions about them. They’re moody, they’re petty, they’re dramatic. Oh my gosh, drama queen in the house. But if we have a bad attitude, we can probably list seven different external reasons that caused our bad attitude. We do this with perfect strangers to think of how you feel when someone cuts you off in traffic. I mean, sure, there’s obnoxious drivers and we just assume they’re being jerks. But if we found ourselves in that situation where we’ve had to cut someone off, we can tell you about all of the conditions out of our control that led up to that like Siri didn’t tell me I had to merge here. Soon enough, the person beside me didn’t let me in soon enough, whatever. We do this in the service industry a lot where opinions are formed on the employees or the managers based on how long the food takes or how long the line is at the cashier and you know that People who have worked in the service industry, you can see them, they are a patient, they are like a weak headed, we know what it’s like to be understaffed or someone calls in sick, or maybe the training wasn’t great, or you’re over scheduled, there’s a lot of demands on you, you can just tell the difference for the people who have been there. We make assumptions about people online, we can build up elaborate stories about the type of person it takes to make that certain type of social media post, and you fill in the blanks with whatever you notice in yourself, because we have a life online. So we do this quite often online. Whenever I learn about the way our brain filters information, and it has this bias, sometimes this bias actually doesn’t make our life better. I just wonder why. Why are we built this way? The short answer is to save energy. So our brain is always doing this. Assessing, categorizing, assessing, categorizing, it is the most efficient way, it would be too labor intensive for our brains to stop and think about all the external factors and this person’s life experience and all of the things in order to accurately know them their motives, their character. But if we can just look at the information, we have a person’s actions, we immediately categorize this person good, bad, right? Wrong, then we can know how to handle that person, and we will stay safe in that social environment. So these judgments are often too quick to perceive. And yes, they’re based on our past experiences and opinions. But ultimately, this is here to keep us safe is protective. And we do need some of this for sure we do. We need to have that intuition to help us navigate our social settings. But we also need to be aware of times where this fundamental attribution bias creates a me versus them mentality, or even in us versus them, when we applied to groups of people, which we see a lot more of, especially politically these days. So imagine you’re at work, and you have a co worker, and they always slack on this part of the job. Or we think oh, they’re entitled, they’re lazy, and probably I’m not gonna get too close to them, because that’s not who I am. That’s not in line with my values. But what about the things that others might think that we slack on? Well, it’s probably because we’re under resourced, or we think it’s a low priority, we used our assessment, or we need training for it, or our boss won’t offer whatever. We also do it with social groups right here right around us. Imagine like as moms, you see, that group of moms over there, they are so blank, fill in the blank. And since I am not like that, I will not get close to them. The fundamental attribution bias helps us feel a sense of control, when we can read a person so to speak. This can show up a lot more for us in new settings, uncomfortable social settings, where we need to establish some safety within ourselves. We use this to quickly categorize who is safe, who is not, it gives us a sense of control. Ultimately, the bias is not based on facts, the facts will require work, curiosity, conversation, vulnerability, empathy, this bias can just bypass empathy and go right to conclusion. And that’s normal, right? Sometimes empathy can be a risk, it can cloud our intuition, it can make us vulnerable. But in a relationship where we do want safety, connection, compassion, we know empathy is like oxygen. I’m going to link some notes on that in the show notes of past episodes I’ve done on empathy and different relationships. Where we want more empathy, we need to be especially aware of this bias. If we seek more empathy, especially with the people we love. We cannot rely on our instantaneous assumptions. Again, based on our perceptions. We need to get more curious, we need to ask more questions. It reminds me of that account that I’m sure you’ve seen online called Humans of New York, where they take this portrait of someone in New York, and it’s just some person you’ve never seen before. But you look at it. And you might form a story about them in your mind. But the thing that they pair it with is someone’s deep and very personal story that they share with this post. Again, if you’re just looking at the photo, you’re going to make some conclusions. Perception is a projection but then you read their story and you look at them again, and your perception is rewritten. From all of this, I encourage you to remember there’s always a flipside, where we find ourselves taking these actions, we attribute them to our external circumstances, or maybe we even do this for our kids. We we don’t use this with just ourselves. We sometimes use it with people that we need them to be viewed a certain way. We let ourselves off the hook we let them off the hook. But when others take that action, or when another kid takes that action, we attribute it to their internal character. When I learned about this bias, I could see it by up a lot, mostly in my marriage, because that’s a place that’s really vulnerable. Marriage is really an arena of two people triggering each other all the time. So as I’ve seen my own bias come up, here’s some things I try to do. One, I try to laugh, like, I really laugh out loud at myself, sometimes with the conclusions I come to. I know I’ve shared this post before, something like my husband put the groceries away wrong, he must not care about me. And so like our brain can work. So I’m going to link that in the show notes. And then second, I stopped taking myself so seriously. And I don’t mean lowering my standards, but really about having compassion, and not making everything feel like this big, high pressure situation on who I need to be really making peace that I am messy and selfish and careless, sometimes I am all of those things to it has really brought me a lot of freedom and allowing it and others and then myself. Of course, I’ve got an episode on that. I’m going to link that in the show notes Two. And three, I get curious. If it’s a stranger, I find myself making up stories to practice different conclusions like that person is speeding, because they’re sisters in labor, like I did that, that happened to me. Or that person didn’t record and return that shopping cart, because they want to leave it handy for someone on this other side of the parking lot. Again, I don’t care about cards, like that’s kind of for me, or this person is probably having a really crappy day, and it’s hard for them to pretend they’re okay, and make a small talk at the grocery store with me, I don’t need this cashier to make me feel better. Like they can just have their own experience in view and whatever they’re in. And if it’s someone I can have a conversation with, I want to ask rather than assume, I don’t want to keep filling in the blanks. I don’t want to keep mine reading I want to ask. Ultimately, we know our judgments can become walls. So where we want to seek connection, we need to learn to dismantle our judgments and our stories of one another and man that takes humility, and hope and commitment and Jesus and hopefully some sense of humor and all of this. I’m going to put some links in the show notes, I always encourage you to go check them out. Go to simple on purpose.ca. Click Listen, you’ll find all of the episodes there. I filled them all with show notes and there also is a full transcript too if you ever want to read the episode. I really enjoy talking about relationships. I really enjoy working on them. They are one of my most favorite arenas to do this work. If you want one to one support on this, you can look into coaching with me. I’ll link that in the show notes as well. All right friends, have a great one.…
1 206. Finding peace through downsizing + decluttering the closet and shopping, with Renee Benes of the Unstuffed Podcast 17:59
17:59
Main Kemudian
Main Kemudian
Senarai
Suka
Disukai
17:59When you think you need all the things and the dream home to be happy…. then you realize you need to shed the weight of ‘stuff’ and consumerism in order to find yourself and find peace. Renee Benes, of the Unstuffed Podcast, shares some of her story of downsizing, decluttering the closet and what it taught her about herself and her life. In this episode, we talk about: Renee gave up her dream home to downsize and adopt minimalism The process of decluttering the closet, letting go of those clothes that no longer fit your identity or body How to navigate an appreciation of fashion with minimalism Capsule wardrobes, seasonal clothing, shopping The influence of social media on us and how it impacts approaches to minimalism This episode is a portion of our interview, the rest of the interview covers topics such as: Death and loss Raising kids Scarity and abundance And even kid’s bday presents There is audio and video available for the rest of this fun interview! 👋🏽 Find Renee at the Unstuffed Podcast and on Instagram ☕️ Join the Simple Saturdays Email 👯♀️ Be part of the Life on Purpose Community Full Transcript Speaker 1 0:00 Welcome to the simple purpose Podcast. Today we have a very unique episode. This is a guest episode, which rarely happens. And the reason you’re hearing it here today is because I have recently started the Patreon the life on purpose community, and I would like to offer guest episodes in that community. So I wanted to make sure and share some of the year so you can meet Renee, who I’m talking with today. And here’s some of her story. Because I enjoy her story. You’ll hear me tell Renee, that I have followed her on Instagram for years. And I was really drawn to her content, because she was talking about the things I was interested in about saving money, but like just the real practical, like discomfort and stuff about saving money and shopping. And she was talking about becoming a minimalist and how it was changing her life. And she was very laid back about it. It wasn’t all curated, tablescapes and rose gold and just do these three things, and your life will be simplified, and it was really relatable. So Renee has a podcast called unstuffed. And she’s also an Instagram I’m gonna make sure to link are in the show notes. What you’re going to hear, hear, hear, hear, what you’re going to hear today is a mini version of a longer episode. There’s actually two more parts to this episode one is an audio podcast, and the other is a video and those will be available on Patreon coming soon. In this episode, though, we’re going to talk about downsizing, Rene’s experience with downsizing our home. We’re going to talk about closets and clothes and how consumerism and social media plays into all of these things about our lives and who we think we are. So I want to just jump right in. I hope you enjoy. Welcome Shawna Scafe 1:46 to the podcast. I’m so excited to have you here. Renee 1:49 Hi, Shawna. Yeah, Shawna Scafe 1:51 thanks for having me. Renee 1:52 I’m excited to sit down and chat. Yeah. Shawna Scafe 1:53 So I don’t often do well, I rarely ever do guest interviews. But I’ve been following you on Instagram, I was telling you earlier, I found you on Pinterest started following you on Instagram some years back. And when you reached out to me, as I absolutely like I’ve followed you for a while, I’m going to also be sharing some of this content in the Patreon only. So this was just really inspired timing as well, in my opinion, to be doing this interview with you. So aside from that, tell us who you are. What you do you know the basics. Yeah, well, thanks. Renee 2:27 I’m so glad first of all, that you still like me from the blog? Like thanks for hanging out. But um, yeah, I started my minimalist blog in 2017. After we had just downsized our house. We downsize our house by 2000 finished square feet, and just started practicing minimalism. And I did it in a way of like, hoping to be able to reconnect to myself, I felt like I had kind of gone through life just on autopilot and collected stuff on autopilot. Yeah. So going through the decluttering process for me was an internal and external just all around life transformation. Shawna Scafe 3:11 Yeah, and I know, I know some of your story from following you over the years, I know that you were in this huge home. And like you said earlier, there was just a lot of things happening all at once. That kind of prompted you to make a decision to downsize. Could you kind of in a nutshell, give me an idea of what that was like at that time. Renee 3:30 Yeah, it was like, so obnoxious in the sense that I felt like I had I got everything I ever wanted, everything I thought I should ever want. And it couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t happy. Like, everything just felt worse. It almost felt worse because I thought it would feel better and it didn’t you know, and I started to it talk about like how serendipitously I found, self help spiritual author Wayne Dyer. I didn’t know self help was a thing I didn’t read. I didn’t read after high school. But my marriage was struggling. You know, and my husband had been my best friend so to like, not have my best friend around but this roommate kind of person in my house. You know, it was so awful. So I had a friend say, Well, I’ve been going to the library a lot. And I thought, Well, okay, I heard about this, dude, wait, I’ll just go see what his books are. And they were life changing. And I think that’s how things happen. A lot of times those were just brought to the right message that we need. And it started to encourage me to seek more than stuff in my life to seek a deeper, more fulfilled life that wasn’t just reliant on external things or collecting the things we’re told we should want, you know? Shawna Scafe 4:58 Yeah, I don’t know if this is how you felt at the time. But it’s like we spent a lot of our 20s building up the life people showed us and told us and you know, we’re you go into winners, and this is what you buy, I think maybe you guys call it something different there. But you go in, you buy the things at the store that you think an adult would need. But then you come home and it just fills your home. And maybe it’s actually not really you like, what, what was that contrast, like to notice between, I have all this stuff. But this is actually who I want to be. So it was Renee 5:30 tough. It was a weird thing that was kind of like, I’m winging it, I hope this helped pave the road for me. But you’re right, like, our parents, you know, we’re born. And we, it’s what we’re supposed to do is listen to our elders, right? They taught us how to eat, they taught us how to walk, they taught us how to wipe our own butt, you know, things that we need. And so then we just kind of keep listening to the messages that were given from teachers and from parents and, you know, go to college, get the house, when are you going to have kids? And a lot of times nobody questions like, oh, but is this actually what I want? Or do I even have an option for these things? And then unfortunately, you know, I think a lot of people already accumulated the things like you said, and that’s where I started to hear a lot of stories from like the minimalists. Who got the climb the ladder at the six figure job, and we’re like, this isn’t, I don’t like this. I don’t want I want to be here. And so I, for me, it started in my closet. And I think you said you find a lot of peace and decluttering your closet as well as like I couldn’t. It’s so difficult to say like, Hey, figure out who you are. Who are you really what do you really want? That’s a big question. So my solution was, well, I’m gonna go on my closet. And I’ll start with the clothes I actually liked the most. So I picked out all the things that I always wanted to wear the most, you know, the, you know, the shirt that you’re like, I always feel cozy in the shirt. I love the way this shirt looks on me. These pants, oh my gosh, they’re my favorite. I picked out all those things. And basically got rid of the rest. Yeah, I kept a few pieces. But the rest was like, Okay, you’re gone. Shawna Scafe 7:23 Oh, wow. Renee 7:24 And that was kind of my stepping stone to figure it out. Me. Shawna Scafe 7:28 That is I think clothing is a great space to start. But you probably hear this often. How do you actually let go of the things that are, you know, maybe I was pregnant, and this fit me then and it won’t fit me right now. Or I used to have a job. And this is what I used to wear? Like, how did you give yourself permission to really let go of the things because we hold on to clothes for like, safety, like a security net? Or, like, I need options? Like, what did you notice going through and letting go of that stuff? Yeah, Renee 8:00 I in that moment. I think it was just such a deep emotional desire to figure out to figure out who I was to let go of it all to kind of start fresh. It was like I wanted to wipe the slate clean, and figure it out. And I think that’s such an important part of decluttering a lot of times is to, to I mean, not everybody everybody’s journey is different. No one’s no one’s is like mine. It’s mine. It’s weird, I feel like but to like, have a deeper idea of what you’re reaching for because it makes it so much easier to let go of those little things, you know, but you’re right, those those deeper topics. So for me in that moment, it was like, I just need to start fresh. It was really easy. But I remember talking to my aunt who it’s been maybe two years now since she retired, she sold her home. She girl just went crazy. She like she had a home that was very filled. She had a very large beautiful home that was filled with things and she would give me things and then she would do the things she does. If you don’t want this or if you’re when the kids are done give it back give it back to the setback. Yeah, but I don’t know what clicked in her. But she was like sold it all get rid of the house don’t care. And they moved to Arizona with like just one storage tube you know, Storage Cube filled with things. But her she said that her her work. clothing was the biggest struggle for her. Yeah, like you were saying like what about these work clothes? I think that’s so huge, especially and this was part of why I started to declutter was a lesson as we build our identity around our stuff we attach our worth and our value to the things that we own. So for her and I get this man because she’s an impressive woman. She is You know, really worked her way up the corporate ladder. And for her that was in the 80s when women weren’t necessarily taken seriously, and she was the boss she like, was able to accomplish huge, wonderful things. And so for her this wardrobe was a, you know, yeah. It was, I didn’t this this is even high was that Yeah, great. Um, and I think stuff like that is giving ourselves the grace and that emotional healing, like, you’re letting go of more than your work clothes. You know, or you’re letting go of more than the clothes that fit you before you got pregnant. You know, I struggled big time with bikinis after I had babies. You know, me stretch marks, like letting go of a person. You’re like letting go of who you Shawna Scafe 10:59 used to be version of you. Yeah. Yeah. Letting go of the bikinis is letting go of the version of you that was wearing bikinis. And yeah, all of that setting companies. That experience Yeah. Right. Renee 11:12 It can be such a tough thing. You know? We’re Yeah, we might think like, why can’t I let go of these, you know, my skinny pants or my skinny jeans or the smaller clothing size. And a lot of it is, you know, maybe accepting that you’re not that person accepting that you’re not that size person. Because chances are like, if I were to all of a sudden fit into my smaller pants that I wore before kids, and I still had all the old ones, I would want to go buy new ones anyway, you know, cuz I wouldn’t want the old ones. I wouldn’t want the old tops that used to fit. If all of a sudden my stretch marks are gone, and I had a six pack at home. To go by myself. New bikinis is what I’m gonna do. You know? Yeah. Shawna Scafe 11:59 I think there’s that rational part of it. And also like a truly a healing emotional part that you have to let go of more than just the thing. Or release. Yeah, yeah. And clothing is so interesting, because we live in fast fashion where it changes every season. Remember, growing up, you were kind of beisbol I mean, the 80s and early 90s was they were a bit different. But ideally, we were just buying something and we would have it till it wore out or if we outgrew it. But it seems like now we’re in an era where we refresh our closet constantly. And I’ll say I enjoy that. Like, I like the feeling of going and getting something new I love. Okay, how am I going to use this? How am I going to wear it like this is exciting. It’s something new and novel. And I can satisfy that feeling with thrift stores and how many downs but there, but I do notice the contrast of what a minimalism capsule wardrobe should be that we buy these statement pieces that lasted a decade plus, versus how maybe there’s a part of us that enjoys clothes and fashion like, what did you notice in yourself about that as you went through the years of really paying attention to your clothing and your shopping? Yeah, Renee 13:13 that’s funny that you say that. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. Because I did a blog post called How to be a minimalist and so like clothes. I always did. I always liked my clothes. And I think the more I learned who I was, the more I bought clothes that aligned with who I was versus before that I kind of just bought whatever was trendy, whatever was on sale, whatever. Other people you know, if you go shopping with someone, you’re not going to get them but it’s so cute. You’re like, okay, I Shawna Scafe 13:40 guess I’ll buy it, you know, right. twofer run all the things Yeah. Right. Renee 13:44 And so I am I’m like you were I feel like I buy things and then have them for a few years and then it starts to be like okay, I you know, I I want to refresh it because I do like having new clothes. And you’re right with the capsule wardrobes. I tried. I’ve tried capsule wardrobes. And maybe you relate to this being in Canada, and I’m in Minnesota here like in the winter, I put some winter stuff, I put summer stuff away. I’m not gonna put on a dress. I think he’s gonna your kids wear shorts in the winter. I am not wanting to do that. Again, in Minnesota, it’s like but in summertime, I still keep all the sweatshirts and the sweaters because, Shawna Scafe 14:29 yeah, you’re probably Renee 14:30 going to need them. But beyond that, I I can’t quite limit myself. I do think it’s good to have those basic statement pieces for me at least like the undershirts that are white, neutral, black. Those are something I always turn to like there’s something I’ve always continually used. But giving yourself the grace and the peace to know what your style is and to be okay with it. And if you have an amount of clothing that feels overwhelming for you Maybe it’s out like a little bit, you know? Shawna Scafe 15:03 Yeah, I think that’s a good point is that we all come into decluttering simplifying with a certain amount of stuff already. And for some of you, it could, like, I’ve watched documentaries and seen people with a rules stuffed full of clothes that they have to declutter, and they get it down to half the room. And you know, that is good work, versus someone who has like the five foot closet, and they just declutter a bunch. So it’s just like meeting yourself where you’re at doing a little bit of work. And I think we’re in this kind of interesting era of social media, where we have a lot of influence on what our home should look like, how we should dress, how we should look, I can’t tell you what my algorithm is, but I’m getting so much information on makeup lately that I’m like, do I need all new makeup? But do I need a makeover? Like it just starts to stick with you? Right? Do I need to buy that? I keep seeing it. I really like it. So there is that component of this mass influence in our lives that’s in our pockets in our faces, constantly throughout the day. What have you seen or noticed for yourself in terms of maybe how social media and being a minimalist and enjoying clothes like how has that all kind of melded together in your world? Renee 16:16 It’s so tough, isn’t it? I mean, Speaker 1 16:19 as we continue talking, this interview took a turn to some really deeper content. In the rest of this conversation, we talked more about finances, those existential questions on how we are living Rene Shaner experience on her dad’s death when she was 19, and how that impacted her. All of that’s in the bonus episodes in the Patreon. And that bonus video to where we talk about parenting scarcity and abundance, how we approach minimalism with kids how what we grew up with or without shows up in how we parent, letting go of negative self talk and meeting yourself where you’re at, it was really just this huge range of topics from closets to grief and loss to money to birthday presents. So if you aren’t in the Patreon, I hope you’ll join us this month, you’ll hear me talk about the Patreon all of the time, because I know if you’re here listening to simple on purpose, then you ought to be in the Patreon you’ll love the content in the life on purpose community. That’s where we take whatever we’re talking about here. And we get deeper we get more personal, we expand on things. I like to share worksheets if I can create one for an episode. It’s kind of like we have this monthly theme that we’re able to unpack and work and discuss and just be mindful of throughout the month. Plus being in the Patreon support, so content that I put out through simple on purpose. Alright, I so enjoyed talking with Rene, I hope you go and listen to more of that. Thanks for joining me in this little coffee date I had with her and if you have any guest requests for the Patreon, send them my way. Have a great week.…
1 205. Finding balance through ‘ENOUGH’: motherhood, minimalism, self-worth, and personal growth 14:03
14:03
Main Kemudian
Main Kemudian
Senarai
Suka
Disukai
14:03Our relationship to ‘enough’ can show up in all the areas of our life. Whether we struggle with discomfort, self-worth, setting limits, or offering ourselves more – we all can consider how the concept of ‘enough’ and ‘sufficient’ can play out in our minds, hearts and lives. Key topics in this episode, and related links for more information Enough exercise for this season TRX videos in my workout playlist of videos I used and loved Setting boundaries with our phone Intentional phone habits (episode and worksheets) Having a constant need for comfort Type 9, How the enneagram changed my life Times of parenting that are so difficult and what ‘enough’ looks like in those seasons Difficult parenting Asking what is ‘enough’ when decluttering Can A Minimalist Have a Full Kitchen? Til We Have Just Enough Stuff Struggling with moderation and knowing what is too much and what is too little Hurdles for women really knowing what is enough, for themselves. Relying on external sources to compensate our ‘not-enoughness’ 186. Doing life with less (summer challenge) 192. Who are you when I’m not looking (internal vs external validation) Having a mindset of ‘not enough’ 40. Does the ‘not-enough’ mindset show up in your momlife? (Scarcity/Abundance) You Can Simplify Your Life Series Looking at this through a faith lens the BEMA episode on Genesis, Creation, Enough Questions mentioned in this episode that you can use for reflection and journalling: What relationship do I have with the terms ‘enough’ and ‘sufficient’? How skilled to I feel at gauging ‘enough’ for myself? Where does scarcity show up for me? Where do I struggle to feel like I am doing enough/am enough/have enouhg? How has being online made me feel like there is something about me or my life that isn’t enough? What does the world around me, seasons and nature, teach me about ‘enough’? Where do I feel like I have too much in my life? Where do I feel like I have too little in my life? Have there been times in my life when I felt a sense of ‘enough’? How do I act, in the different areas of my life, when I feel like there is not ‘enough’? Looking for more? Follow along on Instagram Sign up for the Simple Saturdays email (twice a month!) Join the Life on Purpose Community Book a session with Shawna Full transcript (unedited) Hey friends, it’s Shawna, your nerdy girlfriend and counselor. Welcome to the simple on purpose podcast. So we’re coming into April. And this is a weird season. It’s like an in between season for me, because summer is not here, the Speaker 1 0:18 kids are still in school. But hockey is over which hockey took up for weeknights, and most weekends. So there’s a definite, like, calm period, I would say, the boys are playing more Xbox. But they also move their backboard out of the basement, which is really nice. So they’re out in the yard, shooting pucks, and I kind of get the basement back again, I can put the TRX up and I can do a TRX workout, which I really enjoy the TRX it’s something that you hang from the ceiling or a door and has these two straps that you can like adjust with handholds, and it’s a weight trainer, there’s some really great videos online that I like to do. And I always feel it after even if I’m doing like a really quick workout, like, even 20 minutes, it’s all my workouts are 20 minutes. It’s something that I really am enjoying, too, I think it’s really important to find a way to move that you enjoy. And really one of my goals is strength training. So I’m really happy to reclaim that my basement from hockey and many sticks. And I think, I don’t know, maybe this kind of nicely goes with the topic of the month, which is the theme of balance and moderation. It’s something I’m going to be actively talking about in the Patreon as well as we go through the month. So I want to talk more about the concept of enough. And with this topic, I have a lot of thoughts. It’s like walking through different rooms in one house. So I want to share some different ideas. And I’m going to approach it to be almost kind of meditative, like reading a bunch of daily bread pages, did you grow up with those little daily bread books or daily bread? My mom always had them in the bathroom. She had a lot of bugs in the bathroom, actually, which I find myself doing like my mother now. But a book in the bathroom, it kind of just keeps me from bringing the phone in, which I think is a good boundary. Anyways, the daily bread, they’re like these little books in each page, there’s one page for a day, and has little story, a little thought and then some scripture. So as I drafted up these notes for this episode, I kind of laughed at myself, because I thought it’s not a Reader’s Digest version. And it’s not like 10 points on something. It’s kind of a daily bread version of thoughts. So let’s just start with the first thought. And the first thought is me kind of first thinking about the concept of it enough, the first time I actually really thought about it as an adult. And there was that time in my life where I had my first two kids remember, they were 16 months apart. And it was really overwhelming probably the most overwhelming time of my life because I had a toddler and a baby. But this baby only wanted to sleep on me and was quite mad when she wasn’t sleeping on me. I felt really up against my personal limitations, one of them being a need for constant comfort. And at that time I had written on my chalkboard in my hallway, My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in your weakness. And man did I want power I wanted the power of God coming into my life and rescuing me. And I clung to this verse, My grace is sufficient. In some translations, it says My grace is enough. And that’s the part that stuck with me this concept that enough? Is a version of satisfied or sufficient. And I don’t think I let enough really be the same as satisfied because enough felt lacking somehow. There’s no extra buffer, there’s no security. But enough is sufficient. Isn’t it a sufficient amount? It’s what’s required? No more, no less. When I was decluttering, I would think about the word enough quite often. What’s enough forks for one house? What are enough pairs of tweezers? What are enough pairs of jeans? What’s enough bars of soap in the drawer? What’s enough cleaning products? And of course these are personal questions. There’s no one right answer. But it’s a question that we need to engage for ourselves in all areas of our life. What is enough? What’s enough hours of work? What’s enough hours of time online? What’s enough space in a home and how big should a closet be? What’s enough? What’s enough stuff in the cupboards? What’s enough food for me? What’s enough for drink? What’s enough shopping? And enough is that limit between too much and too little? How do we know we’ve crossed that line into too much or too little? And more importantly, how do we recalibrate, settle, rebalance into enough A lot of the women I work with struggle with moderation with knowing what is enough and remaining in what is enough. For lots of us, it’s either too much or too little also known as all or nothing. Too much shame and criticism too little love and grace, too much distraction, too little intention, too much stuff, too little of the right stuff. How skilled Are we at gauging what is enough for ourselves because the world doesn’t help us with this, the world tells us all of the time, we aren’t enough. We aren’t youthful enough, attractive enough, healthy enough tanned enough vacationed enough, our teeth aren’t brushed enough, they need that special toothbrush, we aren’t smart enough, intuitive enough. We aren’t gentle enough, we aren’t assertive enough. We are energetic enough. So we buy and accumulate a lot of stuff and products and content, so that we can finally be enough. I’ve got an interview coming up in the Patreon with Renee Ben is and she shared this sentiment about her Shopaholic times, where she said she was some something to the sentiment of I was buying all this stuff to feel like I was enough. But then I was just in a constant state of seeing all the ways I wasn’t enough. It’s a core issue. Its core fear that we all need to reckon to some extent. And my enough, what’s our default answer to that question? It’s no, because saying no, you’re not enough, that’s gonna protect us. Because if we’re not enough, we can figure out a way to be enough, and then we’ll be safe. I was looking in the bathroom the other day. And I noticed I have this shelf of lotions and potions that I thought were very necessary when I bought them online at midnight. But now I think they just confused my skin and make me feel like I am now in this lifelong contract with hyaluronic acid. And I can’t do life without it. It’s something I shared when we were doing the live with less challenge in the summer, there are these products that have become my baseline for living. Like I’m just not enough on my own. I need these. I need that daily coffee, I need that certain type of food, I need this beauty product just to be enough. When did I decide I needed these things? When was what I had and who I was not enough? I think what would my grandma’s say? What did her generation think was enough? Surely they did not have a row of skincare products for all the different components of their skin in areas of their face, they probably didn’t have five different types of socks, they probably didn’t have all the streaming services we know they didn’t. But here we are, with more and more options each year on the things we think we now need to make us enough they become a necessity of life. When I approach my life with this underlying thought that maybe I need these things, this puts me into a place of lack of not enough, I have eyes for that now, scarcity, we call it Where does scarcity, not enoughness show up for you? Where do you struggle to feel like you are doing enough or that you are enough? It’s one thing to just be a human in the world and struggle with this question. But we now live in a time where we have to ask how is being online made me feel like there is something about me or my life that isn’t enough. A while back in a simple Saturday’s email, I shared a podcast that is one of my staples. It’s called beyma B E M A. It explains the ancient Middle Eastern culture as the Bible was written in it. And if you want to understand the Bible at all, this is a must listen, it has transformed my faith. But on this podcast on beyma, they were talking about Genesis the story of God creating the world and how we approached creating the world by knowing when to say enough. God said it was good and then they rested. So if you consider things through a faith lens at all, this is kind of a beautiful image to remember that there is such thing as enough and see it displayed all around us. We have seasons and oceans and this natural cycle all around us. We have daylight and nighttime we have limits on how much energy we need. On how much sleep we need. We have limits on time and space. Enough who needs to honor the season it is in. And now if we are creators, our own little world, if we don’t stop and remind ourselves that we are the ones to say enough in our own worlds. Then we become overrun, overwhelmed, and spread then trying to do all the things be all of the things have all of the things all of the time Speaker 1 9:47 for me to go back 11 years and tell myself with a toddler and a baby, that God’s grace was enough for me it was sufficient for me this was not fun is not what I wanted. I didn’t want sufficient. I wanted overflowing prestige. Easy Button Godsend a live in nanny who makes gluten free waffles. That’s what I wanted. I didn’t want enough. But as I would see that written on my chalkboard all the time, I knew I had to get familiar with what enough sufficient looked like, and what it felt like because it was uncomfortable to be in a place of enough. Because I had always been scrambling for the sense of what I would call plenty and comfort. And now I had to trust it. Now I had to look for it, I had to appreciate it. And most importantly, I had to be responsible with it. As we wrap up, I want to offer you some reflective questions for yourself. I’m going to put them in the show notes. So you can go and refer to them. Maybe pause and think about them, maybe use them as journal prompts. And yes, making a bulleted list counts as journaling guys, however you get it out of your head and reflect about it that counts. So here are some questions. Where do you feel like you have too much in your life? Often we have too much consumption, too much accumulating too much hoarding too much maxing out our resources, which are time, energy, space and money. And we have too little creating too little generosity too little margin too little saying not yet to ourselves. Have there been times in your life where you felt like something was enough? I think this is a double question because it really requires us to ask if we’ve ever really felt paid attention to what it feels like to have a sufficient amount to have enough. And probably one of the more interesting questions you can ask yourself, How do I react when I feel like there is not enough? This is just really great to notice about yourself. Think about the areas of your life, and how you act within that area when you feel like there’s not enough. Thanks for coming on this kind of metaphorical tour through the House have enough with me. I want to keep this conversation going in the Patreon. I’m going to be sharing that interview with Renee Bennis from unstuffed. And I’ll also be sharing a podcast episode on what is enough in terms of parenting and teaching enough to our kids. I also want to talk about that related topic of scarcity and abundance. Because really, that’s the mindset behind deciding what is enough. A reminder that life on purpose community, Patreon, it’s a members community, it’s a way to support simple and purpose kind of like buying me a coffee to keep fueling all the things I share here through simple on purpose, but really ultimately want it to be a place where people join in, so that we can grow as a community together and a place for me to just show up in one place. center my time and energy into one place. And that’s the Patreon so check it out. If you’re at all interested, you can always try it out and leave if it’s not for you. I’ll link a post in the show notes about that. Show Notes are fun guys go and check them out. I tried to fill them with a lot of links on related episodes I’ve done over the years and blog posts I’ve written over the years because like we’re coming on to almost 13 years of blog posts and many many years of podcasts so go and check that out if you want to keep digging into this topic. And if you feel so inclined as always I don’t ask for it but I’m always thinking about asking for it is to leave me a rating and review some of you guys message me your thoughts on the podcast in I would love it if you would put that in a rating and review on your podcast player. Those really helped out All right friends. Sometimes I sign off simple Saturdays with this reminder and I’m going to share it with you here. Of course it’s so fitting the reminder that you are enough. You do enough and you have enough. Have a great week. Transcribed by https://otter.ai…
1 204. Reframing BALANCE in motherhood and work life 16:40
16:40
Main Kemudian
Main Kemudian
Senarai
Suka
Disukai
16:40The most common question I get is “how do you balance motherhood, life and work?”. We are all seeking to have more balance in our daily lives and make sure we get everything done. In this episode, I share my struggles with having a toddler and baby and looking for balance in my life. I share the common themes I hear from clients on the topic of balance. And I want to offer you different ways to define balance for yourself. Main topics covered in this episode (and all the related links you might like): The Life on Purpose Community is open on Patreon Listen to a quick episode about what Patreon is and what to expect from the community Join the community here This month we are covering the topics of balance and moderation How our culture influences our definition of balance, and the societal expectations on moms, working moms and women in general How do you define balance? What has your culture told you about what balance looks like for a working mom? How does the workplace support working moms, working families? 203. Being a mom who enjoys her life The Meeting Your Needs Series 188. Motherhood & Social Media (how online communities impact your motherhood experience) 194. I stopped calling myself a lazy mom (addressing the overwhelm of motherhood) Hurdles to being a mom who has dreams and hobbies 126. The Joy of Being Mediocre (hobby without the hustle) Both my personal experiences and working with moms tell me that we think others are finding balance but we aren’t We get the sense that others have found balance and ease in their life, we don’t see their struggles or inner critics. 145. You aren’t alone mama, I go through that too What I Learned While Searching for Balance in Motherhood 201. Overcoming negative self-talk and to moving towards positive self-talk Reframing the definition of balance can bring a lot of freedom to a mom who is struggling to make vague or unattainable standards of balance in their life 189. Prioritizing the day: if everything matters nothing matters and how to apply this in motherhood 149. How to find what matters to you (uncovering your personal values) Know Where You Are Going (why vision setting matters + free LIVE YOUR VISION worksheets) 190. Planning the day: my weekly routines and rhythms for work, home and family 78. Small things that can change your whole life (the compound effect) 133. 4 simple habits that make my momlife better 175. What will your future be? More of the same? Or will you turn off the autopilot? Looking for more? Follow along on Instagram Sign up for the Simple Saturdays email (twice a month!) Join the Life on Purpose Community Book a session with Shawna Full transcript (unedited) Speaker 1 0:00 Hey friends, it’s Shawna, your nerdy girlfriend counselor from simple purpose.ca. Welcome back. Welcome. If you’re new to the simple on purpose podcast, around here, we talk about ways to simplify your home, your heart, your life, and show up for your life on purpose. A lot of the conversations we have here on the podcast, are my aim at getting you to really step back and just kind of watch what’s happening for you get awareness about yourself in your life, and how you’re showing up so that you can turn off that autopilot, that reactive that default living that status quo, because if you’re here, you probably want something a little bit different. You want something more intentional. And so we try to talk about being intentional in how we’re showing up in how we’re parenting and in how we’re living our life. That’s the life on purpose Park. I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you’re here. So we can keep talking about all of the simple on purpose topics. And speaking of simple on purpose, how is your spring break? Was it simple? Was it on purpose? Maybe sometimes, maybe not all the time. I took our two weeks off here in BC, I took our two weeks off of work pretty much for spring break. In the back of my mind, I actually thought I would have pockets of time to draft some episodes get ready for tax season. But my kids really wanted to hang out with me. It’s a surprise. Their friends went out of town though. So I was tagged back in to being an acceptable person to hang out with. We played Monopoly. If you’re on my Instagram, you saw that that was a days long event, because we do it in doses so that we preserve our relationships. We also reread the rules to monopoly. Did you know you can still collect rent and bid on property in jail. So we’ve totally changed our monopoly approach. We watched movies I mentioned I was hoping we would watch Harry Potter and we got up to movie six. So I’m proud of us. We had fires, we went out of town, we played mini golf into an arcade. So it felt like we did a lot. But we still had a lot of time just kind of hanging out at home, which is my favorite to have some downtime. Over the spring break though I did release an episode in the Patreon and if you’re like what is a Patreon? I don’t know what that is. That is an app that is where I hold our members community, the life on purpose community, that’s our members community. And you’ve probably heard me in the past talk about Facebook and Facebook and Instagram are really hard places to grow community and show up on so we’ve moved over to Patreon so that we can show up really intentionally. This is a place where people join on purpose, which means the conversation is also a lot more engaged. There is a bonus Patreon episode on losing yourself in motherhood. And there’s been some really valuable conversations. Following that episode, women sharing their insights, their own struggles, their own strategies. So if you’ve been thinking about joining the life on purpose community, I encourage you to check it out. It’s a really great way to be intentional with how and where you show up for online community, you get bonus episodes, I’m a little bit more in depth, I’m a lot more in depth, actually, I think and a lot more personal in those episodes. And ultimately, it’s just a great way to support the work of simple and purpose. So if you’re interested in that, check out the link in the show notes for the life on purpose community. As we move on this month, we’re talking about the topics of balance and moderation. And balance is the most requested topic that I get. It’s something I talk about with a lot of my clients, especially if they’re moms, or they have really demanding jobs. It’s something I get emails on. And questions are like, how do I balance working? And home? How do I not crash and burn? How do I make sure I’m doing all of the things I’m supposed to do in the day? Some interesting questions that come to my mind with this topic are what is evidence that you use to tell yourself you’re not balanced, that you’re not living a balanced life? And what does balance mean to you? How do you know if you’re more aligned? As I asked, What does balance mean to you? What comes up for you? What do you what sense do you get what visions do you get that life will look like when you have more balance? You noticed a theme here that when I talk about these issues that we are facing, I often talk about how our culture has influenced our concepts and assumption of these issues. And this is simply because our culture is the soil that we’re grown in. And if you consider all the cultures all over the world over all the ages, you sense that each each culture is producing very different values, different rules for living different rules for the people and the roles they play different words for things. I think emotions is a great example of how our culture teaches us different things. For example, in some cultures, emotion shouldn’t be repressed, should be hidden. In other cultures, emotion is an acceptable part of being human. And you can be passionate and you can express your emotions openly. So as we talk about balance, especially as moms and women, we need to consider how we are taught to define balance. A very North American way of defining balance, in my opinion, is finding the time and energy in a day to do all of the things we think we should be doing emphasis on this should. This is where our cultural influence plays a part. What should we be doing? I’ve talked about this many times, the societal expectations on moms and women. I’ll I’ll link some episodes in the show notes on that. I think most of us think that balance is living that ideal day, every day, where we have time for health, the meals are prepped socializing, we talked to friends, we’re connected with other people work where we show up engaged in productive family, where we are present with our kids and patient, community, sleep hobbies, checking with our partner exercise, reading a book, we live in a culture that tells us balance is living that ideal day every day. Also, we live in a culture that does not make balance easy for a woman and mum, the domestic duties are defaulted to the mum, we are expected to carry that mental load, manage the Google Calendar, get all the emails, and now we’re working and still doing all of the same domestic duties. I will say though, I think we’re seeing a shift in this, I think our generation and the one behind us, because your girl, here’s Gen X. So I think there’s two generations maybe three parenting right now, I think that we are on this shift where we are shifting what we grew up with, we are shifting the domestic norms. We are in this generation where both parents are working. And that’s maybe what we saw our moms doing in the 90s and stuff. But we’re having more conversations about it with our partners on how to share that workload. However, there’s still a lot of culture that clings to those traditional domestic roles. And if a if a mom is to work outside the home, they enter into a workforce that is set up for the working parent rather than the default parent. So moms are expected to be the default parent while working in jobs that offer no little supports for them to do that. Well, that workplace is still a system set up for the male partner. And it doesn’t allow even for the male partner to have flexibility in work and parenting. This is not I’m not a sociologist, right? This is just my cultural evaluation. So take from it what you will, but this is definitely my soapbox. Let’s get back to balance. How do you define balance in your life? What would that specifically look like if you had a balanced day week? Get specific because vague answers are unsatisfiable goalposts. Ultimately, here’s how we’re entering into this conversation on balance, one with the expectation that we should be able to do all of the things sidenote related. Now we also have the shame and guilt, when we don’t do all of the things and how that impacts us and our self concept and our motivation. And to we’re also entering into a culture that expects us to do all the things but does not offer us supports to do so. If this is how we are entering into the expectation that we should be able to find balance, which to me feels vague and unsatisfiable. To me, we’re set up to fail, if this is how we approach the concepts of balance. Speaker 1 8:40 You know where this is going? The big question, what if you could rethink balance and what that looks like for you in your own life? As I think of this question, where people have asked me over the years, how I balance it all, how I juggle it all, I really draw blink some days. Some days, I feel very balanced. I feel like life is doable, and it’s intentional. I feel like it’s in a good flow. In some days. I feel like my life is falling apart. I’m totally overwhelmed. I’m living off protein bars and coffee and I’m going to cry at least once today. Some so you just don’t know what you’re gonna get. I think back to the really early days of motherhood, where I recklessly believed that balance was something I could just do if I found the right tip on Pinterest. I believed I could make a home cooked meal while the toddler and baby were at home. I could get up early for a workout and devotions. I can have enough patience and energy for the whole day. Because that’s what I thought people were doing. I saw them on Instagram. That’s what they were doing. And I cannot tell you over the years how many women I have talked to who carry so much workplace stress, relationship stress issues with their kids struggles with their parents, health issues, mental health issues, home issues, conflict, confusion, overwhelm, and they say to me, why can’t I figure this out? Why can other people do this? And I can’t. I remember feeling that way. And if you feel that way, you are not alone. We think others are doing it and feeling good about it. We think other women don’t struggle with inner critic or inner shame or a lack of motivation. We think others have figured out how to make all of this work that may be even their gods favorite morally superior, Hashtag blessed. And I’m here to tell you, nobody feels like they have it all together all of the time. You might see someone in a calm season where their routines are working. Sure, but real life has tough seasons and conflicts and demands that we alter our definition of balance as we move through it. I used to chase this productive version of balance where I could be a super woman and do all of the things in the day that I should do. I used to think I could find on the internet, that mindset hack that life hack, that willpower tip that would make it all happen. I used to think that those pursuits, they were thwarted pretty fast out of the gate into motherhood. And I’m going to link a post about that in the show notes. I have changed my mind about balance about what it means to me. And I want to share these with you to give you ideas. First of all, to me balances making the time and energy for what matters the most right now. You’ve heard me say it over again, we need to make choices, we need to prioritize. And in order to do that, we need to know ourselves, who we are, and what we want, both for this season of life that we’re in, and hopefully that bigger, longer term version. This is the work of knowing our values and our vision that’s in the life and purpose workbook that’s in the life on purpose worksheets, you can get those on the website, we need to know what matters right now. And we need to prioritize that. That also means letting some things fall to the wayside, letting other things not be done, we need to honor that season we’re in there were seasons of my motherhood, where I just didn’t fold some of the laundry, kitchen towels, just throw them in the drawer kids PJs, just throw them in the jar. The only thing I was folding was shirts and pants. They were seasons of my motherhood, where I was spending less time with friends. As our kids grew and we all went back to work, we’d had to shift on how we connected how we gathered. There are seasons in my life where I was creating something every weekend. And then there were seasons of my life where I was on the road to hockey games every weekend. And then there are seasons where I’m cleaning up on the weekends after a busy busy week. There’s seasons of our life. And we need to know what matters because if everything matters, nothing matters. To me balance is zooming out to that bigger picture. I remember hearing this great concept about how kids eat in which is something I will say I did not anticipate being such a huge issue for me as a mom, I thought my kids would just eat whatever I serve them. But I have one especially discerning eater. So I’ve been trying to read a lot and learn a lot about how kids eat. And I remember hearing maybe it was a dietitian sharing that, yes, our kids need things like protein and vegetables. But if you look at how kids eat, they might only eat meat for three days. And then they just want bread and then they eat every apple in the house and then every cucumber, they are spreading out their nutrition over the week, where I was trying to force this, like structure and template on a daily basis. So letting go of that. Zooming out, that has brought me a lot of freedom. And I think that’s a nice concept that we can apply to our lives. This notion of what we’re doing what’s ideal, spreading that out over the week, the month, maybe even the years. The next thing that has helped me reframe balance is thinking that balance is doing small, simple things in my day, that make me feel like I am the person who has balance. I know that’s a confusing sentence. So what I mean is, I self identify as someone who pays attention to her work to her kids, to her health to her home, because I do it in little doses. And I let that be enough. Years ago, when I first started intentional living, I put the saying up in my hallway, do something today that your future self will thank you for. And that just seeing that as I walked down the hallway, just seeing that every day, it helped me change how I was approaching the little things in my day, I became very focused on these little actions. Drink some water, go eat a carrot. Take some deep breaths right now and respond with love in this one situation. Read a page in this book, one page, stretch for 10 seconds to me, balance became doing small, simple things often. I always tell you small things matter. I’m going to link to some episodes on that where I unpack that more and the concept of the compound effect. And I say this because it’s been my reality. My life has been built on the little things. And that doesn’t mean I have these rigid daily The routines have micro habits. But that means I’m always flexible in looking for ways to show up for myself and the life that feels balanced to me. I know, overall, the things that make me feel balanced. I know kind of like the big things I want to hit on, and I can do little things for that each day that helped me to be that person. I hope this episode has helped you unpack some of the pressure that you put on yourself, I hope that it has helped you reframe balance for yourself and for this season of your life. If you are in the life on purpose community, I would love for you to stop by the post. I would love to hear your takeaways, what you realized about how you have to find a balance for yourself in the past, and how you would like to define it moving forward. I also had more to say on this topic with some tips and thoughts on creating more balance in life. So I’ll make sure to add that in the life on purpose community as a mini bonus episode for the month. I’ve mentioned a lot of different callbacks to other episodes, so stop by the show notes. I’m going to fill them up with a lot of related links a lot of related episodes on the different topics that we talked about here. So the show notes are always at simple on purpose.ca. Click listen and you’ll see all of the episodes there. I also have full transcripts if you prefer to read them. But everything is there for you and I’ll make sure to link the Patreon if you’re interested in checking that out. I hope to see you there if you are alright friends have a great Unknown Speaker 16:24 day Transcribed by https://otter.ai…
1 203. Being a mom who enjoys her life 13:08
13:08
Main Kemudian
Main Kemudian
Senarai
Suka
Disukai
13:08There are seasons in life where we feel like we have lost ourselves, especially in motherhood. We might feel stuck and like we aren’t enjoying our lives. I want to talk to how we can move ‘away from pain’ or ‘towards pleasure’, and some simple ways we can bring delight and passion into our daily lives. In this episode, Shawna Scafe, Professional Counsellor and Coach speaks on: The language we use to talk about passionate living, desire, enjoying life, pleasure and callings What I have learned about ‘callings’ and dreams Times in life we feel stuck and how that can lead to lowered motivation Making decisions from a place of stress Two types of motivation: towards and away 177. Understanding what is motivating you (chasing vs avoiding) 201. Overcoming negative self-talk and to moving towards positive self-talk Book – Pure Pleasure: Why do Christians feel so bad about feeling good? The way our culture, upbringing and our own assumptions impact how we enjoy our life The discomfort we might feel with giving ourselves permission to enjoy our lives, especially as moms and the guilt that comes up The way martyrdom holds us back from enjoying our life 67. Making motherhood harder than it needs to be (Mom Martyr) 138. Is momlife UNFUN? How to be a more FUN MOM, stop withholding fun from yourself Start with simple things Show up for yourself in small ways Listening to yourself Ideas on ways to delight in your life today The Life on Purpose Community In this episode, I talk about the upcoming post I will be sharing in the Patreon on the topic of How to Not Lose Yourself in Motherhood. If you would like access to this bonus content and join the Patreon community, head on over to Life on Purpose Community and join us there. Full Transcript (unedited) 0:06 All right, this is Take three. Hey, friends. It’s Shawna, your nerdy girlfriend and counselor from simple on purpose.ca. Welcome to the simple on purpose podcast. See, that was easy. I don’t know why it takes me so long to do that sometimes. All right, so we’re getting ready here in BC. For spring break, we’re gonna have spring break with the kids home for two weeks. And I think we’re all excited about it, it felt like life has been really busy with extracurricular activities, hockey, all of that stuff in so we’re just going to hang out with family. Hopefully conor and I will get a night away, the kids will visit their grandparents just hang out around the house, I have the idea of making everyone watch the Harry Potter movies with me and going on family walks. But my kids have different ideas. They want to bike around with friends have sleepovers, and play video games. So hopefully we can do a bit of both. Today, I want to talk to you about how excited you feel about your life. And if you’re already thinking and not excited, and is that even an option. That’s okay, let’s talk about that, too. When I was thinking about this podcast episode, I wanted to call it something like living with more passion, or passionate living, I actually don’t have a title for it yet. So we’ll see what I choose. This is language that I use for myself. ‘ But it is interesting to think even of the word passion, if you look it up, the Latin root of that word means to endure, to suffer, undergo. But in our modern culture, we usually relate the word passion to things related to lust or being fired up, we think it’s really positive and energizing feeling in general, because I was thinking about other terms I could use. One was dreaming bigger with your life. But I think some people find the sense of dreaming bigger, childish, or even like pressure that where you are isn’t enough. Enjoying your life, which is a slogan, you’ve heard me say, this is your life, you should enjoy it. And even when I do say that, I know that it can sound maybe unattainable or out of reach, or like you’re doing it wrong, if you don’t enjoy your life, that is actually not the context I want you to hear it in. When I say that from a place of permission, that you can enjoy this, even the simplest little happinesses and pleasures that are available to you in your day. And hopefully we’ll unpack that more here. I thought about the term living with desire, but that can sometimes sound salacious. Or if you’re from a Christian background, those words can feel loaded with that caveat that our human desires can lead us astray from God’s desires for life. And I want to talk about that too. And one term you will not hear me saying is that you should live your calling. I think that using the term calling can actually set up some kind of criteria that we all have this calling, we all need to find it. And if we don’t find it, we won’t be happy, we won’t feel self actualized. And we better find it or we’re just going to miss it all together. And over the years, I’ve been a woman and talked to many women who asked this question, what is my calling, if I can just find it, then things will feel things with you easy. I’m going to link some blog posts that I’ve written about that topic in the past. Regardless of the term I’m going to use, I know the feeling I want to talk about it is that feeling of moving towards the good. One is the last time you were like really excited and energized about something that you just enjoy doing. That feeling towards the things that light you up pursuing things that are pleasurable, enjoyable, satisfying. Maybe it’s tackling ideas or projects or new routines that you feel committed to excited about, or at the very least curious about. This feeling is about doing things, pursuing things that make you feel alive in all of the best and self honoring ways. And people honoring ways. I think that just goes without saying. But all of this can feel like a huge leap, especially if you feel stuck, or you feel out of touch with yourself. I work with a lot of clients who feel stuck, stuck in their relationships stuck with making a decision stuck in a hard situation stuck with their feelings just stuck along the road of life. And when we feel stuck, we stopped seeing what’s possible, we see a limited number of options. For one part, we’re operating in a stress mode, which means we’re making choices from a different part of our brain. And our choices are often related to the sense that if we can just make the pain stop, then we’ll be okay. So we’re making choices from this kind of operating mode. We’re not making choices from that prefrontal cortex part of our brain that’s more curious, more open thinking long term. So our choices feel limited. And when our choices feel limited, there’s a part of us that feels that limitation on our lives. This sense it really moves us into a place of feeling helpless, feeling hopeless, and feeling unmotivated. What’s there to feel excited about? Have you ever found yourself here I know I have a few times, at least in my life. I’ve lost motivation. I’ve lost touch with who I was what I wanted, and I was just stuck. One situation definitely happened earlier in my 20s when I was newly married, but then again in motherhood, having kids becoming a mom shifting not just your identity and this new role motherhood, but it shifts how you spend your time, how you spend your money, how you spend your energy, how you dress, the clothes you put on your body, it changes where you go, where you spend your time, where, what facilities are available to you, you’re going to new places you never thought you’d go, it changes what you do. And in the Patreon, this month, I’m going to share on this I’m going to share an episode on how to not lose yourself in motherhood. Because from what I see what I experience, being a mom, and all that it takes from us and all that we give it, we often find that we’ve lost ourselves part of ourselves. So we’ve lost those parts of ourselves that is not mom. Along the way. We’ve tuned out those other parts, those parts that have some inner knowing, inner passion, eagerness, curiosity of what we want, and who we are. As I work with clients who feel stuck, we can talk about a lot of things, the patterns that we’re in, the beliefs we’re living from, we can process what’s hard, we can work on how we’re dealing with stress. And this is all really great at revealing some foundation for them. And once they feel ready, we can start talking about moving forward. There’s a shift when someone feels ready for this, there’s a shift in their whole body when we move from addressing the stuckness like you’re in the pit. And when we get out of the pit. So to speak, we feel ready to start that journey. It’s a very exciting time because we get to shift into a new way of approaching our lives our daily life. We shift our motivation, and I’m going to tell you about two types of motivation to pay attention to. If you’ve heard episode 177 that digs deep into these types of motivation. One is away motivation. Moving away from the things that hurt, avoiding the things that hurt and the other one is towards motivation, moving towards things that are enjoyable or pleasant. And away, motivation is very common, we naturally want to avoid pain. So we have that negativity bias scanning for potential danger. I know for me, it’s really easy to live my whole day in that away motivation. Avoid the bad avoid the danger, especially in motherhood, where I struggle with that need to control the chaos. I also think, towards motivation in a way motivation is interesting in the context of a faith lens to where some of us grew up with a very legalistic view on our faith. And our life had to be lived in a way to avoid sin. It can become very fear based it feels like a life of just sin management. Avoid the badness avoid the bad, avoid our badness like a bracing for the fight defense mode beyond guard, even talking about that I feel in my body. What about opening up our arms and moving towards what is good? That feels like living to me that feels more like life to me. I’m reading a book on this right now. It’s called pure pleasure. Why do Christians feel so bad about feeling good, and I hope to share thoughts about that in the Patreon in the future, shifting ourselves our approach into seeking pleasure, chasing the good, chasing the enjoyable, it is hard. Whether we find ourselves stuck in a way motivation with the difficulties of life, we also need to consider that something else that makes it hard is what our culture tells us about what we get to enjoy and pursue. Consider what you’ve learned from your own culture, from your upbringing from society as it is right now. There are expectations on us women, especially if we are moms with kids at home, there’s criteria on what society thinks is okay to enjoy what roles we are allowed to enjoy, and which roles we shouldn’t enjoy and how much and when and how. And when I talk about living with more passion. I don’t mean this huge, big life altering thing. I don’t mean find your calling chase your dreams overhaul your whole life. You’ve heard me say I don’t want you to overhauling your whole life. When I say this is your life, you should enjoy it. I don’t mean you have to smile all day every day and pretend like hard things aren’t happening. What I am saying is you’re allowed to make choices, even the smallest choices that bring you satisfaction and pleasure and delight. Not temporary fixes not coping but choosing things that nourished you and make you feel alive. 10:03 I remember during COVID, sharing something on Instagram about having a really rough day. And getting to the point where I had to give myself permission to just remind myself that happiness is available to me still. You’ve heard me talk about hard and awesome life has hard parts, like has awesome parts. We have hard parts, we have awesome parts our day, as hard parts are awesome parts, we need to give ourselves permission to accept the awesome to enjoy it. Can you do something today that you enjoy? It might feel really uncomfortable to say I’m gonna go do some things I enjoy today, you might feel guilty, you might feel selfish, you might feel like it’s frivolous. You might feel uncomfortable or, or resistance, especially if you’ve been holding that martyr card, you can give yourself permission to enjoy things. When you’re in a state of expressing your martyrdom asked me I’ve been there. And I’m going to share more about that in that Patreon episode too. But what helped me and what I would just offer you as an idea. Just an idea, all of this is just for ideas, is to start with the small things in the routine of daily living, we can build up the skills of listening more closely to ourselves, trying things out, getting curious, and practicing small moments of fueling that spark feeling a little bit more passionate and a little bit more alive, in ourselves in our bodies and our lives. So I’ve got some ideas, here some ideas on how to start today. Choose the song you want to listen to on the radio, if you don’t have a playlist of main character energy, like your own soundtrack, you got to make yourself one it is so therapeutic. choose that song that just makes you feel like yourself. Watch an uplifting or funny video that you know make you smile. Set a timer though, so you don’t get lost in YouTube. But something that you know generates a really positive response for yourself. Put on clothes you love to wear clothes, it feel like you fabrics that feel good on your skin. Choose a meal that you’re excited about. You’ve been cooking for everyone else. What do you want to eat? You’re allowed to do that she was a scent, you’ll go smell it. Doodle something, sing something, move, move your body, our bodies need motion dance, golfer walk. Also, our bodies need rest. So if you need some rest, go sit in your favorite chair in your house, stare out the window at your favorite tree. What matters here is the intention. What matters is that you show up and do this for the purpose of the pleasure, the enjoyment, it matters, that you don’t just go through the motions. And just Okay, check that off. But it matters that you do it on purpose change your posture towards this savor the experience of enjoying your life even in the smallest little doses. I’m hoping to continue this conversation in the Patreon you’ve probably heard me mentioned Patreon like five times in this episode, so if you don’t know what it is, go back to the previous episode, hear all about it and decide if that’s the right place for you to be in community. But overall, I’m going to still be here. I want to encourage you to show up for your life, to enjoy it to own it and to live it on purpose. Alright friends, have a great week.…
1 202. Introducing the Life on Purpose Community Patreon 12:57
12:57
Main Kemudian
Main Kemudian
Senarai
Suka
Disukai
12:57I am going to stop spreading myself thin across the internet, and I am launching a member community in Patreon called the Life on Purpose Community. I chose this name because I want one of the overall goals of this community to be nurturing YOUR life on purpose. I want to encourage you to have passion in your life and enjoy your life. In this episode I run through What is a patreon? Building community and where those efforts are best spent The limits on public content vs private content Creating a space where content can be more unfiltered Being a content creator and having to decide where to spend your efforts Why I chose the name Life on Purpose Community What exactly to expect in the Patreon If you are interested in the Patreon, learn more about it here. Full transcript (unedited) 0:08 Hey friends it’s Shawna, your nerdy girlfriend a counselor from simple on purpose.ca Welcome to the simple on purpose Podcast. Today is just a quick episode where I want to come in and share with you about something that I Low-key mentioned the last episode and that is the life on purpose community Patreon. So I mentioned it in Episode 201 that I was having a follow up episode to that podcast in the Patreon and I realized I know it’s not something I shared officially about. So here we are, we’re gonna do that right now. First of all, a question I get often is what is a Patreon? Patreon is a term for the app or the website. It’s the program the program that is used to host a private members only community and many podcasters will talk about their Patreon. And often their Patreon is a place where you get extra podcast episodes that are private. So members in the Patreon can take a special URL from their Patreon group, add it to their podcast player and you can listen to the private Patreon episodes in whatever podcast player you use iTunes overcast Google podcasts. So Patreon is that platform. If you subscribe to someone’s Patreon, then you can view everything they share in the community, you can comment on things, you can watch any special videos that they have shared, any special trainings, downloads, you can be part of the chat there, get the private episodes, whatever they have in their Patreon community. So that’s what Patreon is, I am part of a couple of Patreon I, especially for their private podcast episodes. That’s something that I was drawn to for these specific podcasts I wanted the deeper content that they had. And I take that podcast URL, I put it in my apple podcasts. And I get those private podcast episodes in my normal podcast player. It’s great. As I’m talking about this, I think the first thing I want to talk about is community because to me, that’s why I’m here. Back in 2020, I was running the life on purpose Academy, it was a member community, it was a coaching community, I had monthly lessons and weekly coaching calls, it was a higher price point. And every week, many of the same women depending on who could make the call, they would come onto this call, they would share their struggles, their issues, their questions, they would share support with each other in the chat. And it was one of my favorite things that I have done. It was warm and intimate. And there was so much growth that happened there. 2:48 At the end of that year of running that community, I did close the program for one, the workload had become a bit unmanageable with the way I had set it up. And I was also heading back to school. However, since then, I knew I just kept coming back into my mind that I wanted to have a community again, you know those things that you know, you’re just gonna do them no matter what. It’s just a matter of when and not if, to me, that’s what creating a community is. Over the years, and one of the ways I actually tried to do that was the Facebook group. In the Facebook group, the simple on purpose community, I have shared a lot over the years I’ve shared tours of my closet, and my kitchen and live q&a is with all of your questions. If you go back into that group, you’re gonna see a lot of videos, a lot of photos, I was sharing Tuesday Tips and questions about setting your weekend intentions. But if you’ve been part of a Facebook group, if you’ve run a Facebook group, then you know that the group members don’t see all of the posts. Unless you specifically go into your Facebook group and change the notification settings, you’re not going to see those posts. So the group has almost 1000 people. But the amount of people who actually see my posts in that group is around 10% of the group, depending on the post, and then the amount of people who engage with that post commented on it is even less. I do also want to say I am grateful for the conversations we’ve had there. There’s been great stuff that’s been shared quite great questions that have been asked. We’ve done some great challenges together. We’ve talked about how we dress and doing a 30 for 30. We’ve talked about simplifying the summer and doing a summer of less. We’ve done a lot of fun things over there and I see you and I value that. However, I don’t want to break my back trying to find an algorithm and Facebook when there are other options to deepen community out there. So for a while now I knew I was going to have to leave that platform as a place where I build community and I want that place where we to build community to be someone, something that someone intentionally seeks out, if you’re on Facebook, you’re not there. With the purpose of joining in that specific community conversation, you’re there to just like scroll and catch up. But if you are a part of a Patreon, and you go open your Patreon app, or go to the Patreon website, you’re there specifically to be part and of that community and be engaged. The next thing I want to talk about is content content. The internet is full of content, ideas, tips, podcasts, videos, reels, you can get endless knowledge on any topic. And just to like, while this time we live in, I’m going to be 42 this year. So I’m always just amazed at how much knowledge we have like I didn’t get a smartphone till I was 26. And I was just mostly playing tap fish on it, not not much of substance. So you can go to my blog, simple on purpose, you can find over a decade’s worth of content. If you search the archives, you’re gonna find so much stuff, there’s posts on minimalism, intentional living worksheets on so many things life on purpose, family rhythms, simplifying your life, there’s just so much content over there. And here on the podcast, I share a lot of my thoughts were like over 200 episodes of me talking to there’s a lot of content. And then in the simple Saturdays, email, there is a lot of content. But you know, the interesting thing to me, that I pay attention to is that I have so much more to say, in my mind, there’s a limit on what you broadcast publicly for all of the internet. So having a Patreon, a members only community, to me, that represents a place where I can go deeper, where I can be a bit more unfiltered and what I share, I can share more in terms of what I’ve learned how I work, what I’m in the process of learning, where I can share more of my life, and my own journey as a woman, as a mom as a person. So if you’ve liked the blog, the podcast email, it’s about to get a whole lot richer and raw in that Patreon. A conversation about content also needs to consider the content creator because creating content takes energy and time and resources. And to me this Patreon represents a place where I can condense my efforts and focus my energy into one place. Rather than being a little bit everywhere Facebook group, email, blog, podcast Instagram, I can allow myself to put my energy into one intentional space. Especially now that I’ve been counseling for a while. And that is something that I am growing and enjoying and still want to make space and time for. I need to be intentional about where I spend my time I need to declutter my efforts and my energy and you know, me, I’m all about making things simpler and more intentional. Finally, I want to talk about the name the life on purpose community. I chose not to use the word Academy, which I had in the past, because to me, it’s not going to be that kind of school like setting as it wasn’t that 2020 program. And I chose life on purpose instead of simple on purpose. Because my hope for this community is to really tap into the living, like into the passion that we want to have in our lives into showing up for our lives into enjoying our lives, and into living on purpose. Yes, there’s still always work that we can do on how we limit ourselves, how we avoid our life, how we avoid emotions, and conflict. That’s all part of it. But I want this to also be a place where you get excited about life, where you feel like you can get more clear on what you want in your life. And I want to help nurture that. I want to help nurture a community of women who are excited about life about their lives. I’ll wrap up with what exactly you can expect in the life on purpose community. And right now I want to keep this community simple. I’ve got a few things that I’m going to focus in on. The first one is extra podcast episodes. And the thing that will be different about the Patreon episode is that I can expand so much more. With a simple on purpose podcast. Like I said, I do keep a limit on what I publicly broadcast and how deep I go with things. I restrict myself to the topic to the timeline of about 20 minutes. I am careful about taking a topic too deep or getting too personal. I just hope to allow myself more freedom to do those things in the Patreon. I also get requests for guest interviews and it’s something I’ve done maybe just a few times on the podcast. I will be sharing guest interviews in the Patreon and these are episodes where I’m also hoping to get your suggestions. If there’s someone you ever wanted to hear me talk with a guest you ever wished I would have brought on the show I will want to hear from you. I want to reach out to that guest and try to get that in the Patreon. I will be keeping the Facebook group on Then that’s always going to be a place where you can go back and look through all posts and post things. But I will be shifting my energy into the Patreon community as a place where we can have regular conversations. I’m also planning to have q&a Is there where I go on live? Ideally, and answer your questions. At this point, I’m imagining them to be every month or two. I’m going to be sharing what is kind of an email newsletter. So I’m going to take that simple on Saturdays, simple Saturday’s email, I’m going to get a little bit deeper with you. They’re things that you have loved in the simple Saturday’s email like the currently lists the behind the scenes of our home and our life. The recently decluttered posts that I share, they’re the mini essays I share, I’m hoping to kind of take that in expanded origins and nurture it excuse me in the Patreon. 11:01 As of today, and this is we’re talking in March 2024. Right now, there are a couple of things already posted in the Patreon. One is a training that I did for a virtual summit on the topic of I don’t have time, the I don’t have time mindset. And it’s really digging into the all or nothing thinking we can have with our time. There’s the worksheets included in there too. The other thing is the follow up episode on positive self talk overcoming negative self talk. So episode 201. Here on the simple on purpose podcast, I went through scenarios that were sent in to me on situations where the listeners struggled with positive self talk. I noted the potential cognitive distortion there and offered questions to help shift those mindsets in that scenario. And I covered I think about three or four different scenarios and in the Patreon I follow up with five more scenarios that were shared with me with questions around procrastination, not getting to that work or project, feeling socially insecure, when rest is hard in the winter blues. So that’s in the Patreon. Right now the Patreon is seven US dollars a month that is the launch price. Launch. Your girl not so great at launching. There have been no countdown clocks, no earlybird perks, no teasers no urgency, I just set it up and took the pressure off myself to make it this huge, huge buzzy thing. So if you’re listening to all this, at the end of the day, it’s up to you. If you’re excited about the idea of the life on purpose community, if you feel like that’s a place you want to be, I hope you’ll join me I hope you’ll come see what it’s about and just help create that community. And if it isn’t for you, let’s just keep doing what we’re doing. Let’s just stay here. I hope to keep sharing that you’ll keep joining me here on the simple on purpose podcast. Finally, if you’re listening to this and you have questions, your comments about any of this you can find me on Instagram at simple on purpose.ca and message me there or you can hit reply in any of the simple Saturday’s email that have come your way and let me know I’m here for all of it and I am so glad you’re here. I just in joy this so much I enjoy always hearing from you guys. So let’s keep it going. Have a great week. Transcribed by https://otter.ai…
1 201. Overcoming negative self-talk and to moving towards positive self-talk 21:05
21:05
Main Kemudian
Main Kemudian
Senarai
Suka
Disukai
21:05Negative self-talk can our work-life balance or ability to manage parenting challenges. In this episode, Shawna Scafe, Counsellor and Coach, discusses how to identify common cognitive distortions and challenge them to help rewire your self-talk to be more empowering and motivating. This episode is a follow-up to the introduction on Cognitive Distortion ( Episode 199) . Listeners sent in examples of situations in their day where they struggle with positive self-talk. In each example, I point out what cognitive distortion might be at play and offer some questions to open up awareness of other ways to talk to yourself. Topics and related links covered in this episode normalizing the struggle with self-talk how negative self talk impacts us, vs how positive self-talk impacts us three things to know about how our brain works when it comes to negative self-talk using CBT to reframe self-talk (and cautions about using it as an emotional bypass) 156. 3 things to know about feeling negative emotions Scenarios covered in this episode: The inability to feel good enough at work or at home – the inability to properly balance either to the point of feeling like you could possibly be proficient in both. Window of tolerance mentioned, you can hear more about it in the Meeting Your Needs series When you have many littles, don’t get enough sleep often and are sleepy grumpy during the day and can’t seem to shake it! 74. Show up for momlife with these empowering mindsets 73. How to deal with the emotional struggles of being a mom of babies and toddlers 162. Think the best of me, or not. Allowing the hard and awesome in ourselves and in our lives. When you work so hard to get everything done, just to start over again. And when you’re feeling annoyed at your family Byron Katie Hunt, Gather, Parent Joining the NEW Patreon, the Life on Purpose Community ! The scenarios covered in the follow-up Patreon Episode: When you just can’t get to that workout/assignment/project Walking into a room with confidence when insecurities seek to make you feel less than or unwelcome in a group setting. When I’m tired or sick – I find it difficult to not feel lazy when I want to rest. And though I know I should rest – it’s hard! When I’m procrastinating but have a work deadline looming Making it through long, cold winter days without much social interaction. It’s so cold that I literally go to work and come home. I’m a teacher and don’t have a ton of adult interaction during my days and I feel like the winter blues are getting the best of me. EPISODE TRANSCRIPT 0:06 Hey friends is Shawna your nerdy girlfriend and counselor from simple on purpose.ca Welcome to the Simple on Purpose Podcast. Guys. How is it March? How is where did February go? Okay, February felt like a blur of hockey. I’ve been setting up a new office to do some local sessions and getting that painted and all set up and I just look up and suddenly it’s March. Oh yeah, by the way, I had a kid turn 13 last month too. Isn’t that crazy? What’s also crazy is that means I’ve been sharing with you guys for almost 13 years because the very first thing I ever posted way back on a blog spot called duck tail blog was the story of my C section. And I had a lot of big feelings about it. A lot of disappointment and frustration and anger and and nurse had recommended that I write about it. That was the first blog post that really started this whole online community online relationship that we were able to develop and how it’s grown, how we’ve changed how we’ve grown together. And now we’re talking about things like cognitive distortions and motherhood and mindsets and just really keep digging in deeper and peeling off the layers and going deeper together, which I just I cherished so much, that you guys are on this journey with me and we can do it together. Alright, so this episode is a follow up to the one I did two episodes ago on cognitive distortions. The topic was brought up because I had a request to talk about positive self talk during the day, which made me think when we’re paying attention to our thoughts, we really have to notice the way that we filter our thoughts and the cognitive distortions we might have. So I’ve covered some of the main ones in that episode, like all or nothing thinking disqualifying the positive emotional reasoning, overgeneralization there were also some download wallpapers to get with that, as well. I’ll make sure to link that in the show notes. And this episode will be the follow up, I’m going to answer the scenarios the specific scenarios you submitted to me in the Facebook group. On the subject of times in your day that you feel you need some positive self talk, I’m going to give you a heads up right here that I am going to be launching a Patreon guys, I’ve thought about this for many years, actually, ever since we closed down the life on purpose Academy and 2021. I knew I wanted to bring a community back, and it’s going to be on Patreon. So I’m going to cover a handful of the sooner scenarios here and have an additional episode in the patreon to really keep digging into this. Alright, self talk, positive self talk, maybe you struggle with positive self talk, maybe you notice it in a lot of areas of your life. Maybe in certain areas where you feel a bit more shaky, or unsure. Maybe you notice you feel defeated about things. And often we struggle with negative self talk, when we’re feeling defeated when something’s not going quite right. It’s interesting, that negative self talk we use negative emotions to motivate ourselves. Specifically shame, criticism, self bullying. And the hard part is these negative emotions, they might be effective, but they’re not empowering, it is negative reinforcement. Avoid that negative feeling versus positive to seek out the positive a totally different approach, we can take totally different emotions that are driving us got an episode number 177. On that if you want to dig into, towards motivation and away motivation a little bit more. If you do struggle with negative self talk, I want you to know three things. The first one is isn’t your fault. And what I mean by that is you likely didn’t choose negative self talk on purpose with detention intention. Sorry, you didn’t decide. I would like to think poorly of myself, I would like to feel negative emotions here. As with most of our inner narratives, this was formed before you consciously knew it, our thoughts, our default thoughts, how we react, the main themes of our thoughts, they are handed down to us in a way we learn and then we adopt them. The same way we learn language, how we learn to call water, we learn how to think about ourselves, our abilities, our opportunities, who we are in the world who other people are in the world, we learn how to think we are programmed with cause effect event, meaning belief result, from our upbringing, from our culture, from our experiences. It’s like just the blueprint that we formed from observing and learning and that cause and effect that has taught us and then the more we think in a certain way, the more we think that way. Neurons that fire together wire together. And I like to think Have our thoughts as a path. When you think a thought you’re like, treading little trail through the woods, and the more you think it, the more that path gets worn down and hardened. And next thing, it’s like an eight lane freeway, and it’s your default thought you don’t even notice it happens, it happens so fast, without intention without conscious awareness even. And our brain does that to be efficient to save energy. That’s why we have habits. That’s why we have automatic thoughts to save energy. So you didn’t do it with intention on purpose likely. And the second thing I want you to know is that if you want to think positive, if you want to shift that, you have to do it on purpose. This is because our brain not only has this kind of blueprint that we’re thinking with, but it additionally has a negativity bias. I call it danger brain, our brain is looking for what could go wrong. It’s important, we need this actually, it’s a very important way that we have been kept safe over the generations. Because if we are aware of what’s negative, what’s the danger around us, that means we’re aware of the risks to our survival. So spot, the danger manage it survive. It’s very useful, right? Our brain is looking for problems, it’s looking for danger. And managing that. I often joke with my clients that we think our brain is just going to naturally make our lives better. But we have to be intentional with how we use that. It’s like having this great computer, it can do all these things. But whatever program it’s running is this result we’re going to get, and our brain really just have this program of running that is a negativity bias. It has a lot of assumptions and stories that we adopted from early on that have never been challenged. The program has never been revised to what we want it to be doing right now. I hope I’m not going all over the place and being too meta. If we seek to think more positively, we want to use positive emotion emotions to empower us to motivate us, then we need to program that in we need to revise our programming, and we need to practice it, which is the third thing. Our brains are neuro plastic, which means we can change our own minds. But it takes time and it takes effort which your brain won’t be excited to do. We can forge a new path for our thoughts, we can blaze a new path and we can keep treading down that path and hardening it and strengthening it. It will take practice but it is doable. What I would like to do for this episode is run through the scenarios that were shared with me. I want to talk about the cognitive distortions we likely have involved in this. And as we are working on changing our minds about what we think about ourselves in our lives, I don’t want to tell you what to think. You know what I might tell you, in some cases, the thoughts that I go to, but remember, I can tell you what I think about these situations, but that might not work for you. It is important to do the work of dismantling your current thoughts and finding a new thought that works well for you. Something that feels believable and helpful. The thoughts we want to shift into have to align with our values and the stage of change that we are in. And this is CBT work cognitive behavioral therapy work, which is shifting our thoughts in order to shift how we feel and act. And I want you to keep in mind that with CBT work, feelings still matter, we still need to address our feelings. We aren’t here to just change our thoughts with positive affirmations and use that as an emotional bypass. Our feelings still matter, we need to validate these emotions, they are there for good reasons. And I’ll make sure to put an episode on negative emotions in the show notes as well. 8:44 As they go through the scenarios, I want to offer you some questions that you can use to challenge your current thoughts. And consider how you want to achieve a more motivating emotion and motivating thought pattern in this case. And as always, this podcast is not a substitute for personal therapy, where you feel stuck, or overwhelmed, or you just want to personally grow, bring these topics to your safe and trusted person. The first scenario that we’ll cover is here it is the inability to feel good enough at work or at home, the inability to properly balance either to the point of feeling like you could possibly be proficient in both. I get asked very often about balancing home and work and I’m going to do an episode on that in the future. But there are two components to pay attention to one is what you’re doing and to how you feel about what you’re doing. And we need to address both. When it comes to what you are doing. It helps to really audit and observe yourself. How are you spending your time? Where can you declutter your time? Where do you need to be more proactive? What needs planning in order to help you be more successful? This goes with number two because if you let’s say you never plan a meal and you get home from work, and you’re just rushing around the house and you’re not sure what to eat and like, we’re already feeling stressed out and hungry, and so is everyone else. That is probably a time that you are going to feel really defeated. And really like you can’t balance things. So what plans can you put in place in order to set you up for success in order to help you feel like you are managing things. The other part to pay attention to is how you’re feeling. In this example, we probably see the cognitive distortion of overgeneralization, which can be really normal. If you feel bad in one area, it’s normal to sometimes make a blanket statement on how you’re showing up poorly over all. The other cognitive distortion that we see here are some sneaky shoulds, the shoulds we all have these shoulds. These this checklist, and it might not be we’re fully aware of it is just under the surface, a checklist on how this all has to look what we should be doing or not doing. What we should be feeling even more how we think we should be feeling some questions to ask yourself here to challenge that overgeneralization are, what have I done? Well, what are three things I did? Well, today start looking for evidence challenge that confirmation bias your brain has, which is that strategy our brain uses to seek evidence to support its beliefs, our brain just wants to be right. And so if you have a belief, a narrative that you aren’t finding balance, you aren’t good. Your brain has that bias to filter out evidence to the contrary. That’s the confirmation bias. So you probably do have a lot of evidence that you are not proficient that you are not doing well that you are not balancing things. And part of us needs to take that counter position with ourselves and search for evidence that something else could be true. What did I do well to day and there is no small thing here small things matter. The next is to ask what are my shoulds? Get to know them? What do you expect of yourself? What should you be doing? How should you be feeling? Do you like your shirts Do you want to keep them and as a side note, something to always pay attention to is your stress level here. What is your window of tolerance, like right now that window of tolerance where we feel like we have capacity to deal with our day. If we are out of our window of tolerance, we’re either going up into hyper arousal or down into hyper arousal. And when we have a reduced window of tolerance, we feel less capacity, we feel lowered capacity, it’s hard to have a sense of resilience and capability. And we quickly and easily fall out of the window of tolerance. I’ll make sure to put some episodes in the show notes on that as well. The next example we have here is when you have many littles don’t get enough sleep often and are sleepy and grumpy during the day and can’t seem to shake it off. Right off the bat, I want to send you to Episode 74 and 73 those talk about the emotional struggles of being a mom and empowering mindsets that you can use in early mom life. In this question, I’m assuming that I’m talking to the parent who is the one that is sleepy and tired? Because I know it’s like to have more than one small kid I’m sure I was so sure they had secret meetings and would be like who’s taking the 1am shift who’s taking the 3am shift. And they would plan out which shift they would wake up to make sure their parents were not sleeping, those Sure. So let’s just stop and take a minute and validate how hard it is to not be sleeping. If you are not sleeping through the night consistently. That is hard. It reduces your window of tolerance. It changes how you feel it changes the amount of capacity you feel you have it changes your emotions. So I think just stop and give yourself some appreciation that you are doing a hard thing. And sure, let’s hope it’s a season. But sleep is very underrated. So I would go back and listen to those past episodes. I even talk specifically about the mindset of being tired. And I would also point you to the heart and awesome episode. If you feel like you’re not able to shake off that grumpy part of you. When you feel when you are in a state of feeling like you just can’t shake it off, you might have a couple of cognitive distortions going on. One could be emotional reasoning. I’m grumpy. So there must be all of these external things making me grumpy or I am just identifying like I’m a grumpy person. I’m feeling stressed. So I must be a bad mom. I must be unable to handle this. And my encouragement to you here is to get some distance from your emotions. Instead of just in that perpetual state of grumpy which just grows and grows just like even holding your hands out and saying I’m feeling grumpy because I’m tired. Like I I am experiencing grumpiness because I am tired and separate that emotion from you. And also acknowledge that your emotion Since are existing and create an experience in your body that is separate from the external things happening. The other cognitive distortion that might be going on here is all or nothing thinking, if you feel like you really can’t shake off this feeling, it’s that either or situation that all or nothing, either I’m grumpy or unhappy, I’m tired or I’m not tired, the day is good, or it’s bad. And I think that’s where the heart and awesome episode might really be helpful. A question when we have all or nothing thinking is to notice what’s in between what’s in between the either or the black or the white, the, it’s either good, or it’s bad. And as well, sometimes it can help to let both of those things exist in saying something like, even if I have hard parts of my day, there’s still some awesome parts I can have. Even if I am tired, there are still ways I can enjoy my day. So allowing that goodness back in. So a couple of questions to think about here. How can I separate out these emotions and let them exist without making it mean a whole lot of other things about me and my life. And challenge that all or nothing thinking the day can still have good parts in it. 16:10 I’m going to cover one more scenario. And then I’d encourage you to go over to the Patreon if you want to keep digging into more. This scenario is when you work so hard to get everything done just to start over again. And when you’re feeling annoyed at your family. And first of all, how relatable I know I feel like this. I feel defeated at the relentlessness of keeping a home and managing a family. A major cognitive distortion we often have here are the should statements, what are your shoulds for your standards in your home. And I’m not saying You’re unreasonable. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have standards. I’m just saying notice. Notice what you expect out of yourself and your home. What are your shoulds for the people in your home again, this can meet resistance. I am not saying that you should never expect your family to help out or that you should just expect your family to be doing what they’re doing. I’m not telling you to let go of this, I’m just saying notice. And I say notice it. Because I’m guessing your list of shoulds for how things should look and how people should act and how you should feel and how you should act. They’re probably different than your reality. And when our shoulds are different than our reality that becomes a source of suffering. Byron Katie is a really great resource on this topic. Some questions to ask yourself here. What are my shoulds? My shoulds for the house my shirts for how it should be maintained my shirts for what others should do my shirts for what I should be doing? And do I like them, you might decide some of your shoulds can be put aside for the season. Also ask yourself here very important. How do I show up when things don’t go how they should? I think that’s where we see the annoyance coming in. How do I want to handle the difference between my reality and my mental list of shoulds. Like I said, this is such a relatable example. I feel it too. It is frustrating to feel this way. And we can really get stuck in that spiral of defeat. It’s hard to come out of there. I know for me personally, this thought shows up most for me when I’m already overwhelmed. I feel an act and think differently. When I have had a maybe a crazy workday or I feel overwhelmed. There’s a lot of things on my plate. And I come into the kitchen and it’s just like a hot mess. And I just feel overwhelmed. And I get really defeated. Sometimes a little salty about how the house is kept. But if I feel like I am on top of things, I feel relaxed and I come into the kitchen, I just start cleaning it because I’m like, oh, like, now I can make the kitchen how I want it to look like I empower myself with that. So I know really how hard it is. And pay attention to how you’re already feeling and addressing that window of tolerance you’re in. And without specifically knowing your situation and how your home is run and what you want more of or less of. I just also point you to some episodes on involving kids with chores on Lincoln episode on that. An interesting book I had read that I haven’t really shared much on but I found it really interesting was hunter gatherer parent and they talked about different approaches that different cultures have to get kids involved with cleaning and helping out around the house. But I just validate you it is a frustrating thing. And sometimes the thought that helps me is we live here, we live here and acknowledging that it is by fact by nature, it is going to be a relentless is situated word, but it is going to be a constant cycle. There’s always going to be dishes, there’s always going to be laundry there’s always going to be shoes at the front door. And like weird stuff in the bathroom that doesn’t belong there that’s always going to exist as long as other people are living here. And that just helps me get some distance like just accepting, like, that’s reality. And now what do I want to do about it and not to say I still don’t get frustrated and defeated and need to do the work of getting everybody on board helping out a bit more. All right, friends, I hope that this has been a helpful episode for you, I hope that you are able to step back and think about what you’re thinking. Because how we’re thinking has a really big impact on how we’re feeling and how we act, how we show up. And my encouragement to you. My mission in all that I do is to help you show up how you want to show up in line with your values with who you want to be. And with the life that you want to build. I aim to help you live life on purpose by paying attention to these things. As I mentioned, there will be a Patreon community opening up called the life on purpose community. I’m gonna link in the show notes. You can go check it out if that’s something that you’re interested in. Have a great week. Transcribed by https://otter.ai…
1 200. Motherhood, decluttering, mindsets (the 200th episode, listener Ask Me Anything) 22:53
22:53
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Main Kemudian
Senarai
Suka
Disukai
22:53As a way to celebrate 200 episodes and 5 years together, I asked listeners for their questions on any topic. In this episode, I’m answering questions on the most important question to ask when decluttering, abundance vs scarcity mindsets, motherhood stages and seasons, and more from AMA (Ask Me Anything) questions Here are the questions that I answered in this episode, and related links to posts and episodes that you might like: DECLUTTERING 1. What is the most important thing to consider when trying to declutter as an Enneagram type 7? Enneagram 101 (what is it and what are the nine types) Enneagram + Motherhood Series 143. How to let go of IDENTITY CLUTTER 90. Declutter ‘what if I need it one day?’ items from your home with THIS shift 111. Decluttering decisions and guilt [Q+A] 110. Our relationship with stuff, and other decluttering questions MINDSETS 2. How to develop a positive mindset when dealing with a chronic illness or health worries of family members? 3. Did you always have an abundance mindset? If not, when did it change and how do you nurture it? (LISTEN) 40. Does the ‘not-enough’ mindset show up in your momlife? (Scarcity/Abundance) (READ) The ‘not-enough’ mindset (how to spot a scarcity mindset and shift it to an abundance mindset) 177. Understanding what is motivating you (chasing vs avoiding) SIMPLE ON PURPOSE 4. What has changed since starting the podcast? What is the purpose of the podcast now? 5. What is your main source of inspiration for your work? MOTHERHOOD 6. What’s something you’re loving about your family’s ages, stages and dynamics right now? 190. Planning the day: my weekly routines and rhythms for work, home and family 7. How can I best parent my middle child? 163. Have fun with your kids, on purpose + reasons we don’t have fun When Did I Stop Enjoying My Kids? (and my journey back to enjoying them) 8. How do I know if our family is meant for another baby? FUN AMA 9. What is your favourite book? Books mentioned: The Glass Castle , Outlander , The Nightingale 10. What are you manifesting right now? 11. What’s on your bucket list? Working with Shawna, learn more here The Simple Saturdays email, sign up here The Simple on Purpose Community, join here Instagram, come say hi! Full transcript (unedited) 0:11 Welcome to the simple purpose Podcast. Today is our 200th episode. And for this episode, I wanted to make it really collaborative. So I went to Instagram and Facebook and email. And I asked for questions. I wanted this to be a q&a episode, where you are kind of opening it up and asking the things that have been on your mind, things you’ve wanted to ask me things you are interested in. So we’ve got a range of topics. We’ve got decluttering, and mindsets and motherhood, all my favorite topics. And I couldn’t get to everything. So if you don’t hear your question answered here, hopefully, I’m going to address it in an email in the Facebook group or in a future episode. Let’s just jump in. The first one is on decluttering, what is the most important thing to consider when trying to declutter, I’m a type seven, and this person is referencing the Enneagram, that they are a type seven on the Enneagram. For those who have never heard of it, the Enneagram is a self discovery tool. It addresses our strengths, our stress habits, and something that makes it different is it addresses our motives as well. It’s a tool that I use with clients who are interested, I have a lot of posts and episodes on it, I’ll make sure to link those. A type seven is someone who avoids negative feelings and pursues the things that make them feel good. So it’s going to look a little bit different for each person. But that type seven does has have the stereotype of being enthusiastic moving on to the next thing. And if you’re a type seven, you might get distracted and never finish when it comes to decluttering. So in terms of decluttering, an important focus for a type seven would be having a bit of a plan, like slowing down, writing out maybe three steps and finishing finishing type nines the type I am, they’re guilty of not finishing to, you know, getting stuff into a pile is one thing, getting it out the door and another I rely on my type three achiever husband to generate the movement on that. Overall, to answer this question, though, I want to distill it down and I spent a lot of time considering what would I distill it down to would be the most important thing when trying to declutter. And here’s what I came up with, at this point in my decluttering journey, I would ask, What would my life be like without this item. So like I said, I’ve had years of decluttering, helping people helping family. And I know that we keep things because we think our future selves will need it, or we’re going to sell it for money, or we’re going to do something with it. But that thing just becomes an obstruction of space and mental energy, we never get around to fixing it or listing it online, or we did and no one came to get it. And or we listed it and no one wanted to buy it for what we think it was worth, we think it’s worth more money, or we never use it, we never cook with it, we never wear it, we never read it, we just never make a use for it. But there it is in our space, reminding us that we should use it, sell it, fix it, whatever. Every time we open up the closet, go to the basement, pass that room where the stuff just is. It’s almost shouting at us, you should use me, you should take care of me you should sell me you aren’t doing the thing you should do. And in my opinion, that clutter causes a lot of emotional and mental drama, that could all go away if we just let it go. Instead, we’re letting it take up space, we’re paying money to store it in our homes to heat it to cool. And that space we could use for living? What would my life be like without this item? What would my space be like without this item? What would my closet feel like? What would my kitchen feel like without this item? I have a couple episodes that I think relate to this on identity clutter? And what if I need it one day, I’m going to link those in the show notes. They were a couple of questions on mindsets. And the first one is a two parter. One part of that is how to develop a positive mindset perspective when dealing with a chronic illness. Also how to not spiral into constant worry about health, health of family members during difficult times. I’m going to try and address both of these in one notion. And remember, these episodes are never a substitute for therapy. They are ideas you can try. When you get to sit and talk with a professional one on one, you get so much more insight and tools that fit with your life and your circumstances. So if you are struggling, or you simply want a new way of approaching things and thinking about things, I encourage you to talk to someone one on one with answering this question. The thing that stands out to me is that it is hard to think positively about an experience that you actually feel is negative. So trying to shift into positive thinking it will feel fake your brain won’t buy it your mouth might say it but your body won’t sink into it. And in these cases I encourage you to meet yourself where you are at meet yourself in the worry in the defeat and validate those emotions validate how you’re feeling. It is defeating to have a chronic illness. It is a lot to be worrying about loved ones, these are hard things to carry. And it’s important that you acknowledge them. Rather than trying to jump into a positive mindset. And not to say you can’t shift into a positive mindset, but you have to meet yourself where you are at first. Start neutral. You don’t have to like your chronic illness. You don’t have to love life and feel totally great and feel totally peaceful with the health of everyone and yourself. But what would it look like to shift just up one level from where you’re at right now? This is a question that I think we could spend a whole episode on. And these situations are really great to bring into counseling, especially if you have a counselor who works with act acceptance commitment therapy. The next question is, did you always have an abundance mindset? And if not, when did it change for you? And how do you nurture this? What is an abundance mindset? I’ve got an episode on that. I’m going to link it. The abundance mindset is the flip side of the scarcity mindset. So it’s scarcity versus abundance. Where scarcity says there is not enough time there is not enough friends, there’s not enough opportunities, not enough to go around. If someone else is good at something, then somehow that makes me less good. Versus abundance, where there is enough what’s meant for you will always be available. And if someone is really great at something, there’s room for you to be great too. And this question when I read it, did you always have an abundance mindset? It almost made me snort, laugh? Because No, I definitely had a scarcity mindset. When it came to my abilities, my looks to opportunities to money for sure. I had scarcity of time. And this time in my mind that of how this timeline of my life had to go. And when it changed was when actually I just learned what scarcity and abundance was. I shared this in the Related podcast episode, I had first heard this concept in relation to the story of Rachel and Leah in the Bible, who were sisters. One was beautiful. One was not one was praised and revered for her beauty. And because they’re sisters, there’s this comparison thing that naturally happens to siblings, unfortunately, who is and who is not if you are this than the other one is not. And it hit me as one of three girls in my family noticing the ways that I felt like I was not because they were. And that’s really when I learned about this mindset, and how do I nurture it? I feel like I view opportunities as something that are always going to come back again. If I say no to things that don’t work well for me, I feel like I can have an assurance that if something is meant for me, it’s going to come back again, I have less FOMO if things are meant for me, they’re going to come back again. decluttering stuff is a lot easier. Again, if I’m meant to have that thing, I’m going to find a way, I’m going to find an alternative. If plans get canceled or a session gets canceled. To me that’s a gift of time that God has given me for a reason. And I try to view that as now I have this little abundance of time. If I’m holding an event or something and not everyone shows up. Well, I believe that the people who are meant to be there, they came and I go all in with them. There are other people doing things on the internet similar to me podcasting or counseling, and I think good. I think that’s good, because this stuff matters. And I know I’m not for everyone, but I’m here for the people who want to work with me. And then more people out there sharing the messages of intentional living and simplifying your life. That is good. Moving on, I had some questions about how I work do business do the podcast in the first one is what has changed since starting the podcast? What is the purpose of the podcast now? In man? Are you my business coach, I might need you. I’m reflecting back in 2018, the first episode of this podcast came out and back then it was called simple Saturdays and it was an audio form of the simple Saturday’s email. So it was a brief episode covering snippets of about three to four topics. And then I did the you can simplify your life series. And it became this format a 20 ish minute episode on a single topic. And so I’ve maintained that format. But of course I feel like I have changed, where I was focusing a lot on simplifying and decluttering I feel like that groundwork of doing those things has been laid. And as I’ve grown more in my own simple on purpose journey, I’ve grown more in counseling and coaching. I’ve been working with a lot of women and moms all over the world. My eyes have seen a broader range of topics or just different topics available to us as modern parents as modern women. Now I feel like the purpose of the podcast is to support you where you are at to To help you see new ways of thinking or approaching your life, to give you ideas and strategies to try and to normalize what is hard and let you know you aren’t alone. And really community. I personally love it when you treat this podcast as a conversation, and you share your thoughts with the Facebook group where you respond to me whether that is through Instagram or the Facebook group. I actually want the Facebook group to be your community. That’s my challenge for you from this episode, friends, go into the Facebook group after this episode or on Instagram and share something any thoughts? Keep the conversation going be that other part of the conversation for me here? What is your main source of inspiration for your work? Right off the bat, I’m gonna say I avoid listening to podcasts or reading Instagrams of people who are doing work very similar to mine, because that pulls me out of my own lane. It pulls me out of the things that are actually on my mind and on my heart to be sharing. And inspiration for me comes from my own life and working with clients. There are themes that come up over and over again, if you’re a client, if you have heard me share an episode about a topic that we just talked about, please no, it is not because of you. But it’s because it’s enough of a theme that if there were this handful of people who brought it up and needed it, I feel like it’s worth talking about more generally. And I also get inspiration from my life. Like I said, this is called simple on purpose. And it started with me sharing this journey of decluttering my house wrestling with being intentional after years of being on that autopilot. And I was processing with you sharing what I was learning and I still am I think that journey is still going I’m still processing still learning. 11:45 And of course, there are times where I doubt what I’m doing or it feels weird. To talk about my closet rental or intentional parenting. I don’t know how much to share. I don’t know if I’m sharing too much or too little. And then you guys send me a message of encouragement. And I write you back and tell you how much it means to me because it really really does. Your messages, your feedback. Those things really carried me through times of doubt. You guys are my inspiration. Oh, which also reminds me another huge source of inspiration is your feedback on the reader feedback survey the reader listener feedback survey that I usually send out in the spring. And any questions that you guys ever share with me when I asked for your ideas on topics and questions in the Facebook group on Instagram. Definitely you guys what you want to hear that inspires me. We’re gonna move on now to topics around motherhood, motherhood stages and motherhood seasons. The first question is, what’s something you’re loving about your family’s ages, stages and dynamics right now? And this question makes me smile because things are so different. That baby stage, that toddler stage, that elementary Primary School stage, it is so different. Those early stages, especially babies and toddlers, they are so demanding of your time and energy. If you are in that season, one of the hardest seasons of motherhood is that baby and toddler stage guys. Now my kids are almost 1311 and nine, and this season, there’s a lot more inside jokes. There’s a lot of music playing on Spotify, there’s a lot of refereeing how they’re treating one another how they’re talking to one another. I think it’s because they are all peers in the same middle school right now. They’re all going to the same school. So the way that they interact socially and try to like go to each other on I think that’s coming home. Some of the main themes at this stage of parenting are extracurricular activities. So between the three kids, they each have one activity. But that means every afternoon and most weekends, it’s practices and games. So that perceived free family time that we had when they were younger, you know, where the afternoons were really, whatever we wanted them to be the weekends were whatever we wanted them to be. That’s something we have to be so intentional about. And sometimes that means we all pile into the truck, and we go to an away game and another town and just be together because we’re family. So we really have to be intentional about family time. Other things are screen time. We have limits for Xbox and the iPad that we share as a family. Definitely more limits than we do on the TV because the TVs in the living room. We’re all watching it. It’s pretty social. I also have my soon to be 13 year old pitching me that they need a smartphone versus the flip phone that they currently have. So these are ongoing conversations that we’re having. Some of the things I like at this stage, they have more responsibility. They’re helping out more with chores. Of course that comes with a lot of talking to them about it and getting them involved and helping them see eyes for what needs to be done. I like that we can have more of a matured theme in the TV we watch or the movie movies, they’re not just cartoons. I really like that we can communicate through music. And we like to share new songs and artists that we found with each other. I like that they can make snacks for themselves, they can get themselves ready for school or activities ensure they forget to pack enough snacks, or when we go on a trip, they forget to pack themselves socks or something important. And yeah, I am the kind of parent who just kind of let them figure it out live with those consequences, because I want to keep encouraging them to grow in their independence and do these things on their own. At this stage, my favorite thing is at the end of the day, when everyone’s home from their activities, and they shouldn’t be getting ready for bed, but we’re all in the kitchen, because someone has to eat a late dinner. And we’re just kind of like in the kitchen living room. And we’re just chatting. I’ve never had this dynamic growing up, and just being in a space together, talking about nothing listening to music, it feels so healing and sacred to me. What matters to me, as a mum, is the relationship being a safe place for my kids. They don’t like all my rules, I have to choose my battles. But at the end of the day, at this age, it feels really important to me to just keep showing up each night asking what’s up if there’s anything on their minds. And usually it’s the night time where we have these conversations, there’s something about all of the distractions being gone. And they’re alone in their room with their thoughts, that they kind of want to talk about stuff at this point. And so they’ll call me back into their rooms. And I’ll always go they know that. And they’ll just kind of share what’s been hard for them. And, and to me, that is one of the things that matters the most to me as a parent. Moving on to the next question, how can I best parent My middle child, and this made me smile, because it’s something I asked myself. And just from my own experience, I think it helps to first notice your family’s dynamics. Where does the energy go? Where did the resources go? What does the family conversation focus on? In our family, I noticed we talk a lot about hockey. My daughter has a brother on either side of her that are in hockey. And if you have kids in sports, you know it takes over. So I try to be more mindful of that and bring a little bit more balance for her. Some ways are small, like changing the conversation topics away from hockey, turning off sports net, and some are bigger ways. Like at the end of the hockey season, I take her away on a getaway, I call it the hockey sisters get away and sometimes team up with other moms whose daughter had to sit through a lot of hockey games for their brother in that’s just a way to kind of honor the effort that she is putting into supporting her brothers and supporting the family. But as a middle child and the GIBBO. My own experience being a middle child, I think the best way to parent them is to notice them, to seek them out, talk with them, check in with them just go sit in their room, what are you doing what’s up. And most importantly, this has been a goal of mine this year, because I think about when I was at age, what would have made me feel more connected and seen. And that is simply to have fun. Just have more fun. sure our kids could be cleaning their room more and become more responsible. But really at this age to connect with them. I think the best way to do that is to just have fun. Another question was how do I know if our family is meant for another baby? And this is such a personal question. There’s so many layers to it. What was your vision for what your family would look like? What does it look like right now? What do you feel like another baby would bring in to your family? What would be hard all of these questions. And if you’re unsure, I think you need to sit and explore these things and honor the truth in your answers. I will say this is a personal question that only you can answer. And if I had one piece of advice it would be if you have a partner involved in this decision that you and your partner are really both on board. We’re going to wrap up with just a few questions about me and the first one is my favorite book. There are a lot of books I’ve liked. I don’t think I really have a favorite but three are sticking out to me as eras of my book reading life as an adult. And the first one is The Glass Castle by Jeannette walls for a long time. This would have this would have been top of my list. It was one of the first memoirs that I read that really had a peek into someone’s childhood and family and that really deeply impacted me to see the freedom in writing about actual experiences about one’s family. Then of course Outlander really guys It ruined all historical fiction romance novels. For me nothing will compare to Outlander. And finally, the most current one and this is maybe in the past 10 years is the Nightingale by Kristen Hanna, who was an amazing author but her books are off In tragic men really about the female bond, this book the nightingales, about two sisters during World War Two, and they’re very different experiences. And the reason why I picked this is because it’s a book that I did not stop thinking about long after I read it. It’s something that I would think about when I was outside laying on my grass is something I would think about cooking my dinner, because it had such a contrast to the freedom that was lost for the sisters to the freedom that I had in my own life. The next question is, what are you manifesting right now? And well, I picked a theme word. So I wonder if that’s the same. That theme word for me as deepen. And for this year, I am really thinking about deepening in my work, deepening in my relationships deepening in my community, it does feel a little bit overwhelming to think about these different aspects of my life and going even deeper. When I do feel like there isn’t a lot of time and energy for things. So trying to be really mindful of how that can be done while still honoring the balance that I seek. And kind of also pushing me out of my comfort zone a little bit. The last question is what’s on your bucket list? Such a good question, because I don’t think I consciously have a bucket list for my life. I have a lot of goals and purposes and visions for how I want things to be. But a bucket list. The first thing that came to mind is traveling to Europe with my husband. It’s something we talk about often just seeing the history in the buildings, the culture, eating the food, and going all the places definitely on my bucket list. 21:36 And the other thing that’s been on my bucket list since I was a teenager is to build my own home. When I was a teenager, I was like drawing out floor plans of the ideal home is something I had done over the years. So I like to think in my retired years that something that would be possible for me. We’ll see. So this wraps up our 200th episode, thank you so much for being a part of it. Thank you so much for being a part of simple on purpose. I am here because of you, you listening. I am here because of you. And I thank you for being here. In the last episode, I talked about cognitive distortions, and that’s going to be part of the next episode coming up on positive self talk throughout the day. A reminder, stop by Instagram and say hi, or stop in the Facebook group. If you’re there, share your thoughts, ideas, questions with the community there. And if you feel inclined, share a rating and review of this podcast in iTunes or your podcast player. Those always help out in that you appreciate them so much. All right friends, have a great 22:38 day…
1 199. Mindset traps to be aware of (cognitive distortions that might be holding you back in motherhood and life) 16:49
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16:49How we talk to ourselves matters. I was asked to share an episode on positive self-talk and want to open up with a review of the common mindset traps (cognitive distortions) we can have. By noticing these cognitive distortions we can better understand how we might be holding ourselves back and the impact our thinking can have on our lives and relationships. I will share the common cognitive distortions, what they are, and some examples that we might have in motherhood and life. Topics in this episode and related links you might like: Habit tracking for the new year Habit Change, for Moms Playlist is right here) Positive self-talk consider what story and emotion are you operating from Why it matters what you think (limiting mindsets in motherhood) What are cognitive distortions The negative filter we see things through How cognitive distortions impact our assumptions and view of things How they impact our behaviours, relationships and lives Common cognitive distortions (wallpaper download form is below) All or Nothing Our marriage was struggling, here are 12 things that helped us heal and strengthen it 162. Think the best of me, or not. Allowing the hard and awesome in ourselves and in our lives. Overgeneralization 158. MVP/ Do you typecast your kids? How labels impact our parenting and our children Catastrophizing Personalization Jumping to Conclusions Mindreading misFortune Telling Emotional Reasoning Should Statements Discounting the Positive Minimize the positive Focus on the negative How to handle cognitive distortions how to pay attention to your thoughts, challenge your thoughts, the power of noticing and naming The cognitive distortion downloads/wallpapers, if you can't see the sign up box then click here @import url("https://assets.mlcdn.com/fonts.css?version=1705921"); /* LOADER */ .ml-form-embedSubmitLoad { display: inline-block; width: 20px; height: 20px; } .g-recaptcha { transform: scale(1); -webkit-transform: scale(1); transform-origin: 0 0; -webkit-transform-origin: 0 0; height: ; } .sr-only { position: absolute; width: 1px; height: 1px; padding: 0; margin: -1px; overflow: hidden; clip: rect(0,0,0,0); border: 0; } .ml-form-embedSubmitLoad:after { content: " "; display: block; width: 11px; height: 11px; margin: 1px; border-radius: 50%; border: 4px solid #fff; border-color: #ffffff #ffffff #ffffff transparent; animation: ml-form-embedSubmitLoad 1.2s linear infinite; } @keyframes ml-form-embedSubmitLoad { 0% { transform: rotate(0deg); } 100% { transform: rotate(360deg); } } #mlb2-12138647.ml-form-embedContainer { box-sizing: border-box; display: table; margin: 0 auto; position: static; width: 100% !important; } #mlb2-12138647.ml-form-embedContainer h4, #mlb2-12138647.ml-form-embedContainer p, #mlb2-12138647.ml-form-embedContainer span, #mlb2-12138647.ml-form-embedContainer button { text-transform: none !important; letter-spacing: normal !important; } #mlb2-12138647.ml-form-embedContainer .ml-form-embedWrapper { background-color: #f6f6f6; border-width: 0px; border-color: transparent; border-radius: 4px; border-style: solid; box-sizing: border-box; display: inline-block !important; margin: 0; padding: 0; position: relative; } #mlb2-12138647.ml-form-embedContainer .ml-form-embedWrapper.embedPopup, #mlb2-12138647.ml-form-embedContainer .ml-form-embedWrapper.embedDefault { width: 400px; } #mlb2-12138647.ml-form-embedContainer .ml-form-embedWrapper.…
1 198. How to live each day with intention, as a mom (life on purpose and intentional living while in motherhood) 17:33
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17:33What does it mean to live on purpose? This is a question I get from listeners who want to live intentionally but aren't sure how to apply it to daily life (as a mom, because mom life has a lot of urgency and autopilot wrapped into it). I want to unpack how I approach intentional living on a daily basis as well as the bigger picture. This is a listener question: how do we live each day with intention and purpose? We will cover what holds you back from intentional living and how to get started with simple steps. Main topics covered in this episode (and related links): Feeling unmotivated with life For the mom who is ‘waiting’ for life to happen 177. Understanding what is motivating you (chasing vs avoiding) Feeling swept up in routine and living on autopilot 79. Six signs you are living your life on autopilot (and what to do about it) Deciding you are ready to make a change and pursue intentional living The Making Change Challenge Decluttering the distractions, to make way for living intentionally 189. Prioritizing the day: if everything matters nothing matters and how to apply this in motherhood 161. Why having LESS matters, the benefits of decluttering and minimalism Intentional Phone Habits Series The Eisenhower matrix (important/non-important, urgent/non-urgent) can help you set daily focus Looking out for all-or-nothing thinking when it comes to approaching life on purpose The power of small shifts done consistently, to help you shift into intentional living 78. Small things that can change your whole life (the compound effect) 133. 4 simple habits that make my momlife better Setting your intention starts with getting to know what you want your life to look like 176. When you don’t know what you want in life. Life on purpose for the non-dreamer Having a vision to be intentional towards, what this can look like and tools you can try Know Where You Are Going (why vision setting matters + free LIVE YOUR VISION worksheets) Deciding what your future holds, on purpose and not on autopilot 175. What will your future be? More of the same? Or will you turn off the autopilot? Having more fun with life on purpose 138. Is momlife UNFUN? How to be a more FUN MOM, stop withholding fun from yourself Knowing your values is key to feeling like you are living intentionally How to get that feeling (why values matter + free LIVE YOUR VALUES worksheet) 149. How to find what matters to you (uncovering your personal values) Aligning your action with your values 69. Will a simpler home bring me peace? Other tools you can use to help you live your life on purpose The Life on Purpose Workbook Life on Purpose Roadmap As mentioned in this episode: The enneagram was referenced, here is a series on the Enneagram + Motherhood Hygge was mentioned, here is a post called Hygge vs Minimalism The Spotify Playlists for all Simple on Purpose episodes right here. The Let's Get More Time Virtual Summit, registration opens in February The Facebook group, a place for you to share thoughts and questions and support Full Transcript 0:00 Hey friends, it's Shawna, your nerdy girlfriend and counselor from simple on purpose.ca. Welcome back to 2024 with the simple on purpose podcast. 0:09 So it's been a while I think my last episode was about a month ago. And I was in that winter break mode with the kids home and I took time off work. And it was really cozy and Heuga relaxing. We had lots of slow mornings, we had lots of stick and Puck that the kids were going to during the day and movies on the couch. 0:32 So coming back to the routine, the routine of school lunches, and after school drop offs and pickups and I tell you that like second shift for me that three to 8pm, maybe three to nine, by the time everyone's in bed,…
1 197. Holidays + Grief, Family Dynamics, Boundaries, Self-Care and Joy – tips from a counsellor 17:11
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17:11This is part 2 of the situations that can feel tough around the holidays. We explore how we deal with grief, family dynamics and clashes and ways we can take care of ourselves and look for ways to enjoy what is available to us. Tips from a counsellor to consider for the holiday season. Main topics of this episode: Part 1 unpacked topics like anticipatory anxiety, routines, loneliness, overspending and transitions 196. When The Holidays Feel Hard (stress, anxiety, loneliness, overspending, transitions)- tips from a Counsellor Dealing with grief over the holidays When you need permission to grieve The 4 tasks of grieving Canadian Grief Support mygrief.ca Family dynamics Owning your own values 149. How to find what matters to you (uncovering your personal values) Family roles 8 common family roles 134. Do you typecast your kids? (Labels + how they impact our parenting and our kids) Boundaries help maintain a relationship vs barriers which block a relationship Knowing when to use each one Coping well, taking care of your capacity over the holidays The Meeting Your Needs Series Bringing the fun with you, you are allowed to enjoy moments 162. Think the best of me, or not. Allowing the hard and awesome in ourselves and in our lives. Finding Joy In Your Every Day (#theperfectmomentsproject) 163. Have fun with your kids, on purpose + reasons we don’t have fun Five Tips to Make Your Christmas Simpler and More Enjoyable When Did I Stop Enjoying My Kids? (and my journey back to enjoying them) Sign up for the Simple Saturdays email here FULL TRANSCRIPT (unedited) 0:10 Hi, It is Shawna, your nerdy girlfriend counselor from simple on purpose.ca Welcome to the simple on purpose podcast. And I'm just going to jump right into it. This episode is a follow up to 196 When Christmas feels hard, in that we introduced the concepts of making one shift for yourself this Christmas in the US things that feel hard. And we talked about anticipatory anxiety that you might be feeling stressed around the lack of routine, the pressures that we feel on Christmas spending money, being alone at Christmas being in a time transition. So those were all really great intros in situations that were shared. And I'm going to pick up and continue on with the topics of grief, family dynamics and boundaries. So the topic of grief was shared in the scenarios that women shared about the things that feel hard at Christmas. So there are things that we are grieving, we might be grieving this deed of the world right now, we might be grieving, a loss of what we thought this year would be. Maybe we're walking through a loss a loss of a person that you love, a loss of a relationship, a loss of a family, or friends system as you knew it. And if if someone has lost someone in the recent years, they're going through these seasons of life without that person for the first time. If someone has had a divorce or changes in their family, even if it was wanted, they're still left with this blank space that was once filled with familiar patterns and people and traditions they could rely on. And they know there are people grieving losses that happened over the past few years and didn't really get a chance to mourn during COVID Things have gone unaddressed. And new griefs can trigger old griefs. I wanted to share an experience that I had with grief around Christmas time. A few Christmases ago, during COVID, my mom had what was suspected to be a mini stroke, and she already had dementia. So from this, she was put into the hospital and then moved into a care facility. But at that time when it first happened, and she was in the hospital, she couldn't talk. She wasn't very responsive. She had to be spoon fed, she was in a wheelchair. And this was such a dramatic contrast to where she had just been. I mean, my dad had taken care of her for years.…
1 196. When The Holidays Feel Hard (stress, anxiety, loneliness, overspending, transitions)- tips from a Counsellor 16:33
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16:33I asked listeners to share the tough scenarios they expect to encounter during the holidays and Christmas. I will start with Part 1, going through the themes of scenarios and sharing an idea on a shift you can try to make this season, from a counsellor's perspective. The goal is to give you some tools on how to handle the reality that life can still be hard and things can feel tough, especially around this time of year. The interview with Brandi Hofer of Colour Me Happy Community On Youtube - Brandi Hofer Studios On the podcast - Colour Me Happy Community Main topics covered in this episode: The expectations of Christmas/The Holidays vs the emotions we carry as humans 156. 3 things to know about feeling negative emotions Anticipatory anxiety, one way to deal with it 174. Christmas hygge ideas + understanding how the window of tolerance impacts your stress in motherhood Tough scenarios during the holidays, lack of routines 115. A Controlling mom, or a capable mom? Overspending to make the holidays FEEL good 141. When shopping isn’t making your life better (mindful and minimalist tips for shopping) Being alone or missing family during the holidays Times of transition during the holidays 67. Making motherhood harder than it needs to be (Mom Martyr) Simple Christmas (all posts here) FULL TRANSCRIPT 0:10 Hey friends, it's Shawna Scafe, your nerdy girlfriend and counsellor from simple on purpose.ca I thought I would add my last name in there because I never say it and you're probably reading it and don't really know how to pronounce it. So nice to meet you guys. My Instagram used to be Shawna Scafe. But the way it was written everyone thought it was Sean is cafe. And people were genuinely wondering where my cafe was. And that would be so dreamy to have a cafe so but I don't, I don't have a cafe. So I just changed my instagram name to simple on purpose. Anyways, here you are, you're at the simple and purpose podcast. Welcome. And today has been a really busy day. This morning, I did an interview with brandy Hofer. She is a Canadian artist. She's a muralist. She's a portrait artist. She's an educator, she's a speaker, and I have followed her work for actually a lot of years now. And I just love her work. It's so beautiful. It's like a feast for the heart. It's just so wonderful. And I recently had commented on one of her Instagram posts, and she wrote me right back, and she asked me to come on your podcast, which was so cool. On one hand to be asked, because I just admire her so much. And on the other hand to realize she had a podcast, I hadn't missed that in the Instagram algorithm. So I said, Yes, I started listening to her podcast, it's called Color Me happy, which is also the name of her book that I just ordered. I'm excited about it. Because the more you talk to her and the more you listen to her podcast, the more you see just how have a real deal. She is like genuine, honest, open and passionate, like you can feel her passion for what she does, and for empowering other women. So her podcast is about being a community for motherhood and art, you don't have to be an artist to listen to it really like I listened to it. And it's women talking about issues that women deal with in different areas of entrepreneurship and motherhood. So I'm gonna link her in the show notes, I recommend following her everywhere, and getting your book in follow your podcasts, especially because she's Canadian. And we let just love fellow Canadians around here, don't we? So then, after I did that, I went to put on my long johns, because there's snow here today walk down to my kids school, because they're all in the same school this year. And because they're in the same school, I thought I should probably help out, I should be more involved. So I signed up to become a noon hour supervisor, which as I say it, I'm like,…
1 195. The cost of ‘earning’ your rest 12:19
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12:19A major hurdle that many of us moms to rest is the underlying belief that we need to 'earn our rest'. In this episode, Professional Counsellor and mom of three unpacks how this belief impacts our abilities to rest well, our relationships and our coping habits. This episode is in follow-up to Episode 194. I stopped calling myself a lazy mom In this episode, we discuss topics such as: relaxation vs pseudo-rest, burnout opportunity costs, and how we insert ourselves into the equation 188. Motherhood & Instagram Culture (how online communities impact your motherhood experience) 189. Prioritizing the day: if everything matters nothing matters and how to apply this in motherhood the cultural views on motherhood, being lazy, and earning rest how we apply the logic of 'earning rest', seeking external validation, martyrdom 67. Making motherhood harder than it needs to be (Mom Martyr) 192. Who are you when I’m not looking (internal vs external validation) the escape hatch, dealing with our feelings 185. Emotional needs in motherhood (what they are and how to meet them) 142. What will change cost you? (Paying the status quo or investing in change) Show up for your life getting the cycle backwards between rest and hard work the Instagram post you all loved about rest the cycle of hyper-productivity then crashing meeting your needs the series is right here Join the Simple Saturdays newsletter right here FULL TRANSCRIPT 0:00 Hey friends, it's Shawna, your nerdy girlfriend counselor from simple on purpose.ca. Welcome to the simple and purpose podcast. 0:17 So if you're new here, welcome. I am Shawna, I am a mom of three kids in Canada, I am a counselor. And my aim is to equip you with tools and ideas and insights that help you live more simply and more intentionally, in all the areas of your life. 0:31 So this episode is a follow up to the last episode where I was unpacking that concept of asking yourself in moments where you are finding yourself with a desire to relax, am I being lazy? Or am I overwhelmed, because when we can differentiate between the two, we can handle it accordingly. 0:48 When we're overwhelmed, we've maxed out we've reached capacity. And I've talked about that window of tolerance. That's that range where we feel a sense of resource and ability to deal well with the day in all its demands. being overwhelmed takes us out of that window of tolerance. And we have this dilemma of actually being worn out and needing rest. But then that voice comes in that says, if you're resting, you're lazy, you should be doing this or that. 1:09 So in that moment, we have a choice, we can be lazy, or we can go and get more things done. One leads to guilt fueled pseudo arrest, the other leads to even more burnout. 1:20 A concept I've shared over the years is the concept of opportunity cost. And that is the acknowledgement that when we say yes to one thing, we say no to the other, and vice versa. 1:30 For example, if I say yes to a day of work, and all that comes with it, career advancement, maybe job satisfaction, a wage, etc, then I say no to maybe being a stay at home, parent, and all the stuff that would happen then if I was a stay at home parents, someone's there to do chores, make meals, childcare, whatever, vice versa, there's no wrong choice. I'm just saying these simple choices, we are weighing against our own values and goals have a cost on either side. 1:56 But as moms when it comes to the opportunity cost of rest. We live in a culture where we have put ourselves into the transaction. 2:04 We tell ourselves this math, if I say no to me, resting, I say yes to getting more stuff done. And since I live in a culture where busy is glorified, I should choose that. Or vice versa. If I say no to getting stuff done, I'm saying yes to me being a lazy mum.…
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