A group of Satan worshippers (lead by Ernest Borgnine) are searching for an ancient book. Within this tome lies the secrets behind hatching a giant egg. The egg contains a mixture of human souls and unholy precipitation. Only William Shatner and Tom Skerritt can protect the world from choking on a soggy omelette of agony and despair. Be sure to che…

A creepy child and his demonic teddy bear friend stumble upon a pit full of monsters out in the woods. It's your average coming of age tale involving sexual harassment and human sacrifice. Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!Oleh Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.

5 score and 7 years after the abolishment of slavery, a small marsh land in Florida is infested with psychic frogs. Will the inhabitants of the planet learn to reuse, reduce, and recycle to stay alive?! Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!Oleh Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.

Anthony Hopkins is 50% magician, 50% ventriloquist, and 100% crazy in this unsung 1970's gem called Magic. If you weren't already creeped out by ventriloquist dummies, you will be after listening to this episode! Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!Oleh Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.

Bill and Bernadette are an unhappily married couple, living a complete lie in almost every respect. They reside in a fabulous mansion, and drive a flashy car, but they're flat broke (and living on credit). Their miserable lives take an even bigger turn for the worse when a criminal named Bone attempts to rob them blind Right-Click "Save As" to down…

The term "very special episode" translates to "absolute trainwreck" in this extremely hard to watch episode of All in the Family, where Edith Bunker gets sexually assaulted (while the live studio audience laughs uncontrollably)! Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!Oleh Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.

When Kate's marriage to her husband Jack falls apart, her sexual interests sway toward the female persuasion. Attracted to a woman named McNally, Kate fires up a lesbian relationship that sends shockwaves throughout her personal life. Also, actor Brent Spiner makes an appearance as a man who has even less emotions than Data from Star Trek. Right-Cl…

One fateful day, happy housewife Connie Loftis went to the dentist's office to get an oral check-up. Unfortunately, her pervy dentist was more interested in exploring a different orifice. A few months later, Connie discovered that she was impregnated while passed out on anesthetic! This is the Lifetime movie that stresses the importance of good ora…

On September 30th, 1990, writer/producer Geoff Atkinson gave the world a sitcom nobody wanted. It depicted Adolf Hitler in a similar fashion to shows like “The Honeymooners” and “I Love Lucy.” Titled Heil Honey I'm Home!, this ill-conceived “spoof” of 1950's sitcoms was cancelled after its very first episode. On this episode of TortureVision, we an…

When a closed-minded segregationist group, The Feathered Friends, learns that Big Bird is living amongst mixed races (and species) on Sesames Street, they scramble to find him a “proper” birds-only home. Once relocated, Big Bird gets homesick and attempts to find his way back to Sesame Street. TortureVision Rating: BADGood features were better than…

TortureVision Presents Volume #2 of Minis, a compilation of episodes 8-14, for your consumption [Remo Williams (1985), The Baby (1973), American Gothic (1988), The Incredible 2 Headed Transplant (1971), Black Moon Rising (1986), Starcrash (1978), and The Twilight Zone S03E08]. Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!…

High school student Scott Howard (played by 23 year old Michael J. Fox) finds himself going through some very unique life changes. At first he believes his troubles to be (late) puberty, but they're soon revealed to be hereditary lycanthropy! He tries to hide his condition, for all of two minutes, but an unexpected transformation on the school bask…

Actor Julian Sands plays Dr. Nick Cavanaugh, a man who's sickly obsessed with a beautiful, but bitchy, woman named Helena, played by actress Sherilyn Fenn. Helena wants absolutely nothing to do with Nick, but fate sticks them together under the most bizarre circumstances. TortureVision Rating: BADGood features were better than expected. Bad feature…

Sylvester Stallone plays Gabe Walker, a park ranger that's part man and part mountain goat. Gabe works in the field of technical rescue, tasked with ensuring the safety of all mountain climbers and outdoor sportsmen within his jurisdiction. One day, while responding to a phony rescue call, Gabe (and his best enemy-friend, Hal) unwittingly become pa…

Regretfully, we don't have time to write a summary for this week's episode. An earth-wide state of emergency has been declared, as water, power and many other civil services have been disrupted across the globe. The utter devastation caused by Kryptonian hands is still being assessed, as millions are presumed dead and early financial losses are est…

It took several decades, but little Ralph Macchio finally grew up! Too physically mature to continue playing a child in The Karate Kid films, the franchise had to revamp itself with Hilary Swank (as character Julie Pierce) in the titular role. After the death of her parents, Julie moves into her grandmother's home, only to be abandoned shortly ther…

Today we take a look at "7th Heaven," in light of Stephen Collins' recent child molestation allegations. TortureVision Rating: ABORTION Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through. Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3! Penance (I) (2014) 100% of all proceeds fr…

ABC Afterschool Specials S16E03 (The Day My Kid Went Punk) Terry plays violin in his high school band, but it's the 1980's and classical music hasn't been cool for roughly 200 years. Terribly unpopular and desperate for some tail, Terry decides to trade in his ancient instrument for an electric guitar, and spruce up his dweeby appearance with a pun…

TortureVision Presents Volume #1 of Minis, a compilation of episodes 1-7, for your consumption (Linda and Abilene, Not of this Earth, Humanoids from the Deep, Urge to kill, Automan, The Gary Coleman Show S01E01, and Dinosaurs S04E07). Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!Oleh Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.

A few characters you grew to love in Jurassic Park have returned for an unnecessary sequel, determined to ruin your opinions of them and shit upon your fond memories of the original film. In this dino-sized episode we take a look back at The Lost World, as well as discuss the JP franchise as a whole. TortureVision Rating: ABORTION Good features wer…

In matters of equality, public opinion in the 1980's was open-minded enough to give us a female superhero movie, but unfortunately our heroine was forced to act like an empty-headed bimbo. Actress Helen Slater plays Supergirl, the cousin of Superman, who comes to earth and battles a witch for the most important thing in the universe... the love of …

Joel Schumacher certainly deserved all the harsh criticism he received after his gross mishandling of the Batman franchise. Both of his Batman movies were overly colorful, campy, kid-friendly piles of crap. It should be noted, however, that Schumacher didn't exactly inherit a flawless property. When viewed through modern perspectives, pushing all n…

Violently struck by lightning, saxophone sensation Johnny Domino acquires the psychic ability to “tune into the frequency of evil.” This means he can receive audio and visual transmissions of criminal activities. If you think that sounds ridiculous, just wait until you heard the story behind his crime-fighting super-suit! TortureVision Rating: BAD …

When comic books are adapted into live-action adventures, the audience often prefers a certain amount of realism be inserted into the situation- even if it doesn't necessary exist in the source material itself. Too much realism can kill off all the fun, however, just like it did in the 1970's Spider-Man television show. In this horribly boring prod…

“Nathaniel Demerest”, the evil djinn, is once again released from gemstone quarantine- and this time his plans for world domination are completely different! Nathaniel worms his way inside a maximum security prison where he proceeds to trade wishes to hapless inmates in exchange for their souls. Upon collecting 1000 souls, Nathaniel aims to trigger…

“Nathaniel Demerest” is a djinn, or evil genie, who deviously uses semantics to turn peoples deepest wishes into deadly nightmares. When Alexandra, an auctioneer-slash-gym coach, unwittingly releases Nathaniel from his gemstone prison, she finds herself the target of his grievous generosity. Armed with a sharp mind, and a shitload of textbook resea…

A TortureVision Holiday Special: William Halleck is an obese lawyer who accidentally runs over a gypsy woman with his car. Calling upon friends in high places, William manages to walk away from the incident Scot-free, angering the gypsy clan. Seeking revenge, the gypsy leader curses William and his friends, forcing them to suffer for what they've d…

Hollywood has introduced us to some really stupid characters throughout the years, but Jim Halsey might just be the worst of the bunch. While traveling out of state one day, Jim picks up a murderous hitchhiker- and Jim's piss-poor decision making skills enable these two adversaries to stick together for 97 long, insufferable minutes. TortureVision …

Jack Nicholson plays Will Randall, the chief editor of a prestigious publishing company. His job is very strenuous, being an environment full of high-stakes drama and politics. Oh, and Will's also a werewolf... but that aspect of his life is more-or-less treated like an unimportant side-story. TortureVision Rating: ABORTION Good features were bette…

A TortureVision Holiday Special: Peter Cushing was born on May 26, 1913, Vincent Price was born on May 27th, 1911, and Christopher Lee was born on May 27th, 1922. In celebration of these classic horror movie legends, we watched one of only two features in which they all appeared together, Scream and Scream Again (1970). If the plot made any sense, …

As the world succumbs to a zombie outbreak, four survivalists take refuge inside an abandoned shopping mall. They live in relative luxury, dining on wine and Spam like kings, until a roaming gang of bikers invade their peaceful kingdom. This movie is guaranteed to get your blood pressure rising and make you hungry for whipped-cream pie. TortureVisi…

A TortureVision Holiday Special: Betty's an irrational woman who treats her husband badly, so he ultimately files for divorce. Feeling spurned by the split, Betty makes it her full-time job to stalk and harass her ex-husband (as well as his new love interest). Unfortunately, this game of bitch-and-mouse ends in tragedy- a classic trademark of your …

Here at TortureVision, the manner in which we rate media is fairly simple. We reserve the “Good” rating for features that were better than expected. We deem “Bad” features as awful, yet still enjoyable productions. Lastly, we disregard painfully miserable features as “Abortions.” When devising this system we had no clue we'd ever encounter sufferin…

The TV show ALF was a cheerful little sitcom about a short, furry alien who secretly lived with the Tanner family. The troublesome, yet humorous, circumstances that arose every episode were usually resolved in full by the time the end credits rolled. In the final episode, however, the series took an unexpectedly dark turn. Our titular character was…

Official Movie Poster Spoiler Alert: Soylent Green is made of people! Soylent Industries is grinding up the corpses of our neighbors and loved ones and feeding them to us in green, food-cube form! Having said all that, the whole ordeal still seems more ethical and respectable than the shenanigans you hear about from Monsanto. Good features were bet…

Uncle Arthur is a sad little man who's mentally confused. He's simultaneously suffering through divorce and midlife crisis... or at least that's his pathetic excuse for why he made unwanted sexual advances toward his young niece, Mallory Keaton. Okay, so “Uncle Arthur” isn't actually related by blood to the Keaton family, but by accepting their fri…

The beaches of Los Angeles might look appealing in the sunlight, but after sunset they contain more rapists than sand-grains! These sexual deviants are so horny, they'll attack any female within sight... even if she's part fish! Thankfully, famed lifeguard Mitch Buchannon moonlights as a freelance detective, solving crimes in the late-night hours, …

In a world where no one has any concept of “the rapture”, those left behind in its wake are completely dumbfounded when much of the world's population simply disappears. Kirk Cameron plays the part of Buck Williams, a perfectly nice and friendly guy who fails to get raptured. Buck quickly accompanies a good-natured pilot and a neighborly priest, al…

When a rural town is overtaken by tiny mutant slugs, both the Sheriff and the Mayor refuse to acknowledge their existence... despite the influx of numerous strange and unexplained deaths. Only Mike Brady, a local health inspector, and Don Palmer, a local sanitation worker, are willing to face the mutant menace head-on. One can only wonder, in the s…

A TortureVision Holiday Special: We decided to celebrate St. Patrick's Day by watching Jennifer Aniston's career-defining achievement, the 1993 horror movie masterpiece, Leprechaun. Joining us on this momentous podcast is a very special guest, the world-famous Indian mime, "Adi"! (Please excuse our appalling lack of geographical knowledge. At one p…

Professor Jonathan Chase has the amazing (and completely mysterious) ability to transform into any kind of animal he wants... though for the most part he usually just chooses to be a panther. He uses this unique power to fight crime, and violate the privacy of unsuspecting women. We watched this mighty morphing panther pervert's very first adventur…

The dwarves delved too greedily and too deep. You know what they awoke in the darkness of Khazad-dum... shadow and flame. Wait. I'm sorry. That's the wrong movie. The humans were the ones digging in this film, and they released a plague of fire-breathing dragons upon the world. Now, the whole of Azeroth will break, and all will burn beneath the sha…

Went down to China, got addicted to speed. Who cares? When the pills became a habit, I nearly OD'ed. No one glared. 'Cause sometimes cravings get out of control and no ones spared. All the drugs went down below- through my guts and into my soul... gonna need the best rehab that we can get. According to the sober bible, life is more than meth reviva…

New York City is crawling with various street gangs, all hostile to one another, but Cyrus, the charismatic leader of the Gramercy Riffs, wants to set aside all differences and create one gigantic mega-gang. Once united, Cyrus hopes to wage war against the local authorities and claim the city as his own. His glorious plans of conquest are foiled, h…

At the age of 17, Abigail Foster slips into an unexpected coma. 20 years later, she awakens to a “futuristic” world where nothing is the same. It's 1984. NASA has launched the last of America's deep space probes, her sister has married her boyfriend, and malt-shops have turned into 8-bit arcades. Cosmic forces beyond all comprehension have brought …

Maude Findlay's a strong, mature, 47-year-old woman- an independent thinker with both razor-sharp wit and liberal sensibilities. One might even say her only flaw is her rigid revulsion to condoms. One night, after some wild, unprotected sexcapades with her husband Walter Findlay, Maude discovers that she's pregnant! Now, Maude must struggle with th…

The polar ice caps have melted, causing a great flood that has swallowed the earth. The few unlucky survivors of this cataclysm live upon the enormous spherical sea like rats upon rafts, trying desperately to remain afloat. Our hero, the nameless mutant fish-man known only as “Mariner”, must find dry land by deciphering a crude map inked upon the b…

Made 40 years after the original, this film certainly looks better, but the basic storyline remains dull and uninspired. You can splash perfume on a pile of shit, but it's much more logical to flush it down the toilet. Perhaps in another 40 years we'll try again. Coming soon to theaters: House on Haunted Hill (2039)! TortureVision Rating: ABORTION …

A TortureVision Holiday Special: Abraham Lincoln was born on February 12th, 1809, and in honor of his birthday we watched the atrocious distortion of his real life story, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Becoming super-human by means left wholly unexplained, Honest Abe battles against an army of Confederate vampires for the fate of our great nation…

McLean Stevenson is a 52-year old actor playing Larry Alder, a 44-year old radio psychologist. Recently divorced, and retaining full custody of his two teenage daughters, Larry has moved from Los Angeles to Portland, turning the trios life completely upside down. One night, Larry's oldest daughter, Diane, is overcome with homesickness and decides t…