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The Save Your Marriage by Restoring the Man podcast is a show that helps men restore their marriages by restoring themselves. Simply put, men are underserved when it comes to the need for marital guidance, especially when facing separation, divorce and/or affairs. We have not been given the skillsets nor have we worked on our emotional intelligence and Society wants us to "act" a certain way. And we soon find ourselves lost with the threat of divorce looming over our heads. This podcast is f ...
 
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A podcast listener (accurately) noted that I don’t talk too much about love. The listener wanted to just get back to the love they had shared at one time, and wanted to know how to fall back in love. I responded with, “What do you mean by ‘love’?” The response started with “I don’t know,” and continued with “but how do we fall back in love?” And th…
 
So many marital crises start with this phrase, "I'm not happy." In panic mode, a spouse reacts and things get worse.The next step is often, "I need space." But that is even scarier! And in panic mode, a spouse reacts and things get worse.Maybe an in-house separation. Maybe a full separation. Emotional separation becomes physical separation.All from…
 
“I’ll try,” my client said in response to multiple suggestions about actions to take. But each week, the “try” never happened. Just a couple of days ago, I got the same response to another suggestion. Before that, I had a client who had been “trying” to write the Apology Letter… but not a single word had made it to the page. There is no such action…
 
Roles. We all have them. We all play them.Some are "identity roles." They identify us in the role. For example, I am "son," "father," "brother," "husband."Some are "function roles." They identify what we do. For example, I am "coach," "therapist," "author," "speaker," and "podcaster" (among others). They tell you what I do, what role I play in life…
 
Do you ever start on some new habit you heard about, maybe about the best diet or exercise, only to find that it isn’t true later on? And have you ever discovered it was actually even worse for you? (Just think about margarine or “low fat” diets, or even diet drinks!) You think you are doing the right thing, and it turns out the “right thing” is ac…
 
Every marriage crisis starts as a crisis of an individual. As it expands into the marriage, the question is whether you, the spouse, will get pulled under by the crisis.Have you ever tried to save a drowning person?This can be kind of like that. Get too close, and they will drag you under with them. Their desperation will overcome any sensible deci…
 
“What can I expect from my spouse?” That was the lead question. Because over and over, her expectations had not been met. “Expectations,” I told her, “can wreck your marriage.” “Which expectations?”, she asked. I noted, “Any.” But shouldn’t you have expectations? Shouldn’t you be able to expect things from your spouse? Let me ask you question: How’…
 
There comes a time in lots of struggles in marriage where a spouse will say, “I don't love you, I will never love you again, I've never loved you, there's no way this marriage can recover, there's no way this will work out, we are finished” or some variation of this. There is a 7 parts strategy on how to deal with any of these and recover your wife…
 
You've decided to save your marriage. You start the process, maybe even make some progress.Then, BAM! You hit a wall.A wall of fear. Fears that sabotage your efforts, pull you back from your plan, get you to give up.But those fears do not have to be the end of your efforts. In fact, those fears need not do anything to your efforts. Fears and action…
 
Let’s turn to dealing with your spouse’s resentments. Resentment comes from anger, unresolved. Anger comes from hurt, unresolved and unaddressed. Which leads us back to helping your spouse find healing — tracking back to anger, but really back to hurt. If you want to reconnect, start with dealing with resentments. Otherwise, the hurt/anger/resentme…
 
What do you do when a spouse declares, “I’m not happy,” as the reason the marriage has to end? Or how about, “You’re not happy,” or “I can’t make you happy”? I have heard this reason given over and over. It is a common (but false) belief that a marriage needs to end because spouses can’t make each other happy. The fact is, you cannot make your spou…
 
Since Valentine's Day is passed and the hearts have come down in the stores (except in the clearance area), we can face a reality that confuses many people.“Our marriage is broken,” she told me. “We don’t have the passion anymore, so I don’t think we should stay married.”Missing passion… is it the end of marriage, or something else?Most relationshi…
 
It may not be on purpose. But many couples commit relationship murder. They kill their relationship by accident. So far, I have NEVER had someone tell me they intentionally set out to slay the marriage. But the result is the same. Voluntary or involuntary, the killing of the relationship is the same. Let me just warn you that these relationship kil…
 
Recently, more and more people have been asking about "Marriage Intensives." If you aren't familiar, these are often week-end (and sometimes week-long) events with lots and lots of (usually therapy) sessions. The theory is that an intensive treatment is needed to save a marriage.Often (but not always), they are run by therapists. Either they come t…
 
Yep. Just break your agreements. All of them. No, not your agreement to take out the trashcan, clean the house, bring home the paycheck, pick up the kids, or some other agreement you have WITH your spouse. Break your agreements you have ABOUT your spouse. Your agreements are your beliefs you have “agreed” with yourself about. They are beliefs you h…
 
There are lots of myths about marriage. But there is one myth that comes up over and over. In fact, the trap for this myth is set at the very early stages of every relationship.The question is whether you step into the trap or not. Will the myth trip you up and start the deterioration of your marriage? Or a better question: has it already damaged y…
 
Desperation. It is never a good guide. Desperation leads you down any and every approach. And in the process, you get nowhere. I know, because I have seen it happen. Someone will say to me, “I’ll try anything to save my marriage.” And they try everything. Book after book, resource after resource, and unfortunately, trick after trick. They leave the…
 
We’ve all felt that feeling of desperation. Everything seems to be closing in. Life seems to be flying along, out of control, dragging you with it. You feel breathless, anxious, out of control, fearful, and desperate. Whenever there is a crisis, desperation tends to be the default setting for humans. It is just the way we are wired. Not particularl…
 
It’s a partnership. Right?Right?Well, in any partnership, there has to be a way to make decisions. And how a couple makes decisions reveals how they balance power (or don’t balance it). Not every couple will balance it in the same way. But trouble comes when the two people in the couple are not both in agreement and on-board with how power is share…
 
We tend to love the “new.” A new outfit, new car, new year, new whatever. It always feels like a fresh start, full of possibilities. But the newness tends to fade fast. Then, it is just another outfit, just the car you drive, just another year. Take that car, for example. If you are like me, that first ding or dent changes something. That first sta…
 
A marriage crisis doesn’t ever start as a crisis. It may start as a deficit in action or understanding, inattention, neglect, or some small altercation. But it can spread over time, engulfing the entire relationship in crisis. Many times, people tell me, “I should have taken action long ago, but _______.” Fill in the blank with: · “I didn’t know wh…
 
You've been working on saving your marriage... and you aren't seeing the traction you want. Or maybe is just isn't moving as fast as you would like.Sometimes, it can take more time than you think or want.But are there times that your efforts are doing more harm than good?Are there times you are hurting, not helping, your relationship and your chanc…
 
Hurt. Blame. Hurt. Blame. The dance goes round and round, each person dancing the steps. That dance isn’t fun. But it certainly seems to be a popular dance for couples! Every relationship has its unique “dance,” and both people generally stick to the same steps. . . until it doesn’t work anymore. Then, the marriage can easily lapse into trouble. Un…
 
Desperation. It is never a good guide. Desperation leads you down any and every approach. And in the process, you get nowhere. I know, because I have seen it happen. Someone will say to me, “I’ll try anything to save my marriage.” And they try everything. Book after book, resource after resource, and unfortunately, trick after trick. They leave the…
 
You’ve been following my 4 C’s to work on the 3 C’s of saving your marriage, right? (Hang with me if that seems like gibberish — just me trying to make it simple. I explain it in this episode/)Maybe you can see some ground you are gaining, progress you are making.Which may lead you to wonder how this all turns around. Will it be all-of-the-sudden, …
 
A fight. An affair. An indiscretion. An argument. Some event. Suddenly, someone announces “this is over.” You may point to that event, the moment when things seemed to turn upside down. But that event was just that: an event. It was a “tipping point.” Almost always, there was a long, slow climb to the top before you “tipped over” the summit. The st…
 
I’ve been answering listeners’ questions on the Save The Marriage Podcast. And in this episode, I pull together a repeating question about “Should we stay together because of this Insert Bad Reason Here?"Several people told me they were still married, just for the sake of the kids. Several told me that their spouse was still there because they coul…
 
It matters. Your efforts to save your marriage. They matter. Your desire to work things through, to find a better way for your relationship. It matters. When you are in the midst of the struggle, it can feel horrible. You can get frustrated and discouraged, forget the reasons why you are doing it, and be ready to throw your hands up in the air in d…
 
Many times, I have someone telling me what their spouse should be. How they should act, what they should do… and what they should do, particularly, for the spouse. Rarely are they telling me what a spouse is, but should be.There is an immediate problem (or a few) right there. You see, “should” is based in shame and expectation. And we don’t use it …
 
Have you found yourself in the middle of an argument, toe-to-toe with your spouse, with that little part of your brain saying, “why am I even arguing over this? It doesn’t matter”? I ask, because I have had that experience MANY times in my life, both with my wife and with others. It is tragic that those arguments erupt in all our lives. They are no…
 
There are 5 very typical, and destructive, problems in many marriages. And yes, these are the problems that MANY people report. Yes, they are painful and hurtful. BUT, they are not really the problems. They are the symptoms of the problem. Let’s discuss how you can USE the symptomatic problems to move toward healing the REAL problem. If you don’t d…
 
Has the crisis in your marriage passed… but you aren’t sure where things are now?Well, that would put you in good company! I have been asking for listener questions, and noticed this was the theme for quite a few.What’s the theme? The immediate crisis has passed. The separation or divorce is off the table. The affair is over. The spouse has returne…
 
Have you ever noticed how often we want an easy answer? Sometimes, people ask for my help, and I start giving some guidelines. It turns out they didn’t want that. They tell me, “No, can you just give me a couple of tips?” I can give tips on how to boil an egg better, how to keep your charging cord from shredding, and even a tip on a simple exercise…
 
You probably know that I'm on the side of your marriage. I'm all about saving a marriage.But does that mean that EVERY marriage will be saved, or even should be saved?No.First, there are times when BOTH people want to leave the marriage. At that point, there is nothing that WILL save the marriage. There has to be energy from AT LEAST one person, in…
 
It's a false belief in our culture that we need to "trust our gut" and "follow our emotions." Emotions change. Feelings shift. And we can't even say what our emotions are, much of the time.Sure, you can feel an emotion. But tell me what it is? What it means? Why it is there right now... and might be gone in 5 minutes? Or tomorrow?Let's be clear: a …
 
Games should be fun. But the games we are talking about today are NOT fun. These are patterns of interaction and communication. The design is to get a need met. But behind it is a dysfunction. It may be a lack of clarity in what someone wants or expects. It may be an unwillingness to say what a person wants or needs. It may be a false expectation o…
 
Do you feel like you are stuck in limbo? That crazy spot where you can’t move forward, but aren’t ending things? Is it a spouse who has you stuck there?Well, that was the situation for “J.” He wrote me because his spouse could not decide on whether to stay or go, work on things or walk away.He told me he was stuck in Limbo, didn’t know what to do, …
 
Is your marriage on life support? You keep watching as the life slowly leaks away from your relationship. Maybe you feel powerless to turn it around. But is it too late? When a marriage gets into trouble, there are 4 distinct levels to the crisis. Here are the 4 levels: 1) Marriage Issues: This comes along early in the relationship, when the fundam…
 
Over and over, I see the same two Approaches or “modes” killing marriages — all without intention or maliciousness. The hurt and pain often lead to anger and resentment down the road. But it simply starts in innocence. Most people don’t even know they are operating in these modes. The first mode is “Pause-Mode,” thinking that you can hit pause whil…
 
It happens. In the middle of a marriage crisis, you can find yourself surrounded by negativity. A spouse negative about the marriage. Friends and family negative about your efforts to save your marriage. You negative, well, about everything you are doing (it is easy to slip into self-blame and self-doubt). Negativity comes from several sources: fea…
 
Mid Life Crisis… the butt of many jokes. And a crisis for many marriages! I have seen several studies that challenged whether there is such a thing as a mid life crisis. I don’t find many of my therapist or coach friends wondering that. We see it every day.And I see the strain a MLC can place on an already-hurting marriage. If the marriage is disco…
 
While some people have certain advantages that others don’t, it doesn’t come down to resources. The truth? You are responsible for your reality, so stop blaming anything else but yourself. Your current reality is a byproduct of what you’ve grown to accept in your life today. So a mere desire to improve your life doesn’t cut it. If you’re serious ab…
 
Are you stuck questioning whether your spouse is the RIGHT spouse, whether your love is REAL, whether there is someone ELSE, or maybe your spouse is being unfaithful?That is often very normal.To a degree.It is entirely normal for people in regular, normal, healthy relationships to have questions that just pop up from time-to-time. That is just what…
 
We as humans are supposed to be filled with gratitude, feeling thankful for those around us. Which may feel like a tall order if your marriage is in the middle of a crisis (or if you are in any sort of crisis for that matter!). What, gratitude when life stinks? In fact, gratitude is even MORE important when we are in the midst of a crisis. Yes, it …
 
I don’t know about you, but I just don’t do things perfectly. I make mistakes.Okay, I’ll admit it: I DO know about you. You make mistakes, too. And how do I know??We ALL make mistakes! Especially when we are doing things that are tough, important, and stressful. And when we don’t know what we are doing, anyway.And I’m pretty sure that saving your m…
 
Many marriages are ruined by 2 people, each wanting to put their fair share into it. “You put in your half, and I put in my half,” seems to be the thought. Sounds good. Fair. Equal. And destined for disaster. The problem is it doesn’t take long for one or both to say, “You aren’t putting in your ‘fair share.'” Which is quickly followed with, “So, n…
 
Hot and cold. That is often what I hear people describe. About their spouses. One minute/hour/day/week, there is warmth and connection… things seem to be improving. And in the next minute/hour/day/week, the cold returns. Distance and dread return. Are things going south? Is this the time when things don’t turn around?And then… the pattern repeats a…
 
When thehits the fan, how will you react? Will you allow your emotions to rule you, or will you make a conscious choice to respond with dignity and respect? We don’t choose what happens in life, but we are fully in control of how we react to it. In this new episode, we talk about how your interpretation of a situation holds massive weight and lays …
 
You’ve taken steps to save your marriage. And it seems to be working! Things are improving. The ice is melting. Perhaps you are treating each other better, maybe even laughing here and there.And perhaps YOU took some big step — like writing the apology letter the way that I recommend. But you also know that when to talk — when to address the issues…
 
It is natural for us to conjure up the past all the time. It is natural. The good and the bad. We all do it. We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us. When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times. When a couple is connected…
 
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